Pop Goes Canberra!

Visit to Canberra (by guest Qld-based blogger)

2008-11-23T14:56:00.003+11:00

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As PopGoesCanberra is well aware (but has sworn, on his laptop’s life, not to disclose), there is a tiny part of me, somewhere behind my left ventricle, which secretly misses Canberra. Yes, scoff if you like. Lay out your arguments with the giddy confidence of a jumped-up private school mock-mooter at the national finals. Play back to me secretly recorded audio-files of my own incessant whinging sessions. Remind me of that phrase I once uttered emphatically: Canberra is to a person’s soul what Facebook is to blogs like this one. (OK, so I never uttered that particular phrase, but I’m sure I thought it in your presence, PopGoesCanberra – that makes you an accessory [editor: what on earth are you on about?]). Let’s just say, from my Uncle Travelling Matt vantage point, there is something unique and enticing about the chance to visit the ACT – a chance I recently grabbed with both hands.

My facial reaction at receiving my e-itinerary

Mindful of the rights of landlocked states to protect their borders from unauthorised immigrants (whether arriving by rickety fishing boat along the Murrumbidgee River, or being smuggled in on a short-stay visa with a troupe of Ukrainian folk dancers), I tread carefully through customs control at Canberra International Airport, having hastily discarded the thirty kilograms of citrus product I’d brought with me to ward off scurvy. (it was going cheap at the Big Orange firesale, alright?) Let’s face it, the last thing I wanted was to draw attention to myself and end up on an episode of Border Security. We’ve all shuddered at those clips of innocent holidaymakers returning from the coast being approached outside petrol stations in Queanbeyan by DIAC officials posing as coyotes. So naturally, I was alarmed when a woman approached me clutching what appeared to be an over-sized clipboard. Of course, I had heard about the ruthless tactics employed by undercover Tourism ACT representatives, these ‘honey-pots’ posing as federal officials, wielding an array of coercive questioning powers and a dazzling knowledge of cold climate wines. The clip-board gave it all away, though. ‘Here on public service business’ I mumbled, eyes cast downwards in shame at the oxymoron I’d just uttered. And she let me pass.

The ultimate ruse: casual talk of botrytis and well-drained granite soils are familiar lead-in to a short period of detention for new arrivals to Canberra, often forced to fill out a survey before being allowed to go free.

Like any modern traveller, I was keen to blend in with the locals, and obtain the most authentic experience possible. So after meeting my travelling companion at the baggage carousel, we made our way immediately towards the largest, most uninviting building we could find and sat there, motionless, for most of the day. If the rights of landlocked states to protect their sedentary organisms extend to temporary visitors, we certainly enjoyed all the indulgences Jervis Bay has to offer. This unique juridical structure, I later learned, is the model (some jurists claim) for the laws now applicable in Summer Bay. These entail, of course, the right to summons a grand jury of twelve extras to the Diner to drink milkshakes. And the right to bare arms.

Spaghetti straps, complex woven hair arrangements, and cropped tees. All permitted items of female leisurewear in the liberal enclave of Summer Bay, known in legal circles as the ‘New Amsterdam of New Holland.’

Fortunately, I had consulted my Wallpaper Guide to Canberra before leaving home, so I knew just where to go to experience the ambience and bustle of the ACT fine dining circuit. And, despite not having a reservation, my travelling companion and I were lucky enough to score a rickety stool at the Qantas Club at Canberra Airport, uncomfortably close to a woman with a Frente-sized clipboard, and flanked by a security detail of drug scenting cocker spaniels named ‘Lightning’ and ‘Dianne.’ And so, as we toasted the glorious Territory sunset, and considered moving outside to the spacious conditions of Gate Lounge Twelve, we truly agreed that if you never never know, you’ll never never go...

Scenes of casual, long sleeved elegance at Canberra’s exclusive Qantas Club, open 0515 to last departure. Located at Level 1, next to Gate 12. Reservations not required, provided you have a large clipboard, inappropriately sized laptop satchel, or festive lanyard.

Australia Day Live 2008: review

2008-01-26T15:16:00.000+11:00

Australia Day Live is over for another year.

Let's review it in pictures!!...

"I'm not Sandra Sully, nor Gretel Killeen, nor Andrew G."

This is just nice.

"I really should be assisting Karl and Lisa in the ratings battle with Sunrise but right now I really can't be fucked"

"The cigarette and the collar only accentuate my shit-hotness"

"Wear a belt, boy" - concerned parent

"Yes, along with making amazing pop music, I do a bit of pickpocketing on the side" - random Veronica

"Hey, security dude, hook me up, I wanna feel a drumstick in my tummy" - Veronica 1 to Veronica 2

The Veronicas hard at work.

"Why am I here?....Canberra fans are such bogans..."

"I wasn't alive when Blockbusters was on the television, so I have no idea who the man on the big screen is" - guy wiping his nose
"I look like a bit like Boyd from Neighbours, except my muscles aren't as big" - guy in singlet

"I have two plastic phalli jammed between my legs"

Testosterone-fuelled, 'yoof' rampage while Indian sex guru Ben Lee sings on.

"I'm not really into Ben Lee either"

Oestrogen-fuelled 'yoof' rampage

PopGoesCanberra = lost for words

"Hello! Hello! Nice to see you!"

"Take a walk along the beach? Sure...but don't try to touch me, don't try to touch me" - Girl with pink handbag to man in jeans

"I prefer to rampage, fuelled by testosterone, and make strange signals to bloggers, rather than watch a man with curly hair and facial hair 'sing' "

Need we say more?

Pretty lights on Parliament House!!!

"My name is Ricki-Lee Coulter and I am disgusted that Channel Ten choose to censor my 'Love is all around' video by removing the loving gay kiss on Sunday mornings."

***********
Totally not-thought out rating for Australia Day Live 2008: 5/10.

"My Family": Worst British comedy ever?

2008-01-23T21:29:00.000+11:00

"My Family" is awful! It is even worse than "No Job For A Lady", a hideous sitcom starring Penelope Keith where she plays a lady parliamentarian.

Meanwhile, "The Complete Guide to Parenting" is very good. Very good indeed. Best line tonight was when the New Zealand Au Pair was complaining/crying about her boyfriend dumping her "this girl who works there, she's a trainee baRIsta, she tixted me and shi said 'fuck off you kiwi slag". !!!!!

Seen at Coles Manuka.... (#2)

2008-01-14T22:05:00.000+11:00

...a guy who looks just like the actors they use in The Bill to play pedophiles. I would say he looked like a pedophile but we are not sure we've ever seen one.

"Phil! Neil! I know his psychological profile. I will get him"

Seen at Coles Manuka...

2008-01-14T21:53:00.000+11:00

...a checkout operator who looks just like Ben McKenzie!!!!!!!!!!!

Coming to you from a hot and steamy Canberra couch....

2008-01-13T18:57:00.001+11:00

Happy New Year all!

Due to popular appeal (from the likes of the wonderful CFBGoesPop - coming soon with a new Nikki Webster telly show - and Eurotrash) PopGoesCanberra is back, with a new camera too, so it'll be quite a multimedia affair, in theory.

Coming up, we hope to bring you reports from Darwin and Kazakhstan.

For now, a quick restaurant review wrap-up from around Canberra.

Cape Cod

Clever seafood, friendly and professional (and HOT) service, great wine.....this is a great Canberra restaurant.

Cream

A case of all style and no substance. These try-hard, bland, up-themselves-with-their-icky-hair-and-average-food-at-above-average
price restaurants are just becoming all too common around Canberra these days. Nice toilets though.

Babars

Babars new premises in the Canberra Centre are open and I wasn't tempted to go and try the food because of the truly hideous colour scheme. Cool in summer perhaps but the red, black and the white are totally unwelcoming.

I can't be bothered doing any more, because PGC hasn't been able to afford eating out much lately.

On a dining related note, what is with the throngs of people all sitting there eating at Cream, Sammys and Wagamama in the Canberra Centre. The food is sort of alright, but where do these people get the money and the impetus to sit there up there like stuffed monkeys with bogans driving around in cars all around them, on a weeknight? Seriously!

This is quite amazing

2008-01-13T18:52:00.000+11:00

Can you ever imagine Celine Dion boogieing while Rihanna sings with a contestant on Australian Idol?

Rihanna Feat. Claudia - Don't stop the music [Live]
Uploaded by wonderful-life1989

Callum off "Are you smarter than a 5th grader?"

2007-10-05T16:07:00.000+10:00

Note him.

Bet you he's the next Matt Corby! He's got the hair, a better personality, and he's even got the flanny!

PopGoesCanberra's famous mega chart rubbish wrap-up

2007-10-05T13:36:00.001+10:00

1 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS Sean Kingston Bogan Rubbish
2 IN THIS LIFE Delta Goodrem Absolute wonderfulness
3 THE WAY I ARE Timbaland Feat. Keri Hilson This is actually quite good
4 STRONGER Kanye West Boring rubbish
5 HOOK ME UP The Veronicas Disappointingness
6 BIG GIRLS DON'T CRY Fergie Cringeworthy baby missing blanket rubbish
7 HEY THERE DELILAH Plain White T's No idea, probably rubbish
8 SHUT UP AND DRIVE Rihanna Really quite good
9 CAN'T TOUCH IT Ricki-Lee Really quite amazing
10 HOW FAR WE'VE COME Matchbox Twenty Probably rubbish
11 THNKS FR TH MMRS Fall Out Boy Sounds good on a footy advert
12 THE PRETENDER Foo Fighters Rubbish
13 LOVE TODAY Mika Scissor Sisters wannabe rubbish
14 DANCE FLOOR ANTHEM Good Charlotte Rubbish
15 WHEN YOU'RE GONE Avril Lavigne Rubbish
16 AYO TECHNOLOGY 50 Cent Feat. Justin Timberlake Rubbish
17 THE TAKE OVER, THE BREAKS OVER Fall Out Boy Rubbish
18 LOUD Shannon Noll Disappointingness
19 DESTINATION CALABRIA Alex Gaudino Feat. Crystal Waters This came out four years ago, it was good but did nothing, they add some annoying horns, and Australia loves it
20 I GOT IT FROM MY MAMA Will.I.Am Rubbish
21 TEENAGERS My Chemical Romance Rubbish
22 WAKE UP CALL Maroon 5 Rubbish
23 1973 James Blunt Total rubbish
24 OVE ME LIKE THE WORLD IS ENDING Ben Lee Tibetan rubbish
25 UMBRELLA Rihanna Feat. Jay-Z Still brilliant
26 KISS YOUR MAMA! Vanessa Amorosi Again, more disappointingness
27 BLEED IT OUT Linkin Park Rubbish
28 DEAR MR. PRESIDENT P!nk Sentimental rubbish
29 JUST A SONG ABOUT PING PONG Operator Please Assuming it's rubbish
30 WALL TO WALL Chris Brown Rubbish
31 CLOTHES OFF!!! Gym Class Heroes Possibly rubbish
32 SOUND OF FREEDOM Bob Sinclar & Cutee-B Feat. Dollarman & Gary Pine Probably rubbish
33 OPINIONS WON'T KEEP YOU WARM AT NIGHT Kisschasy No doubt rubbish
34 LOVESTONED Justin Timberlake Dido's song was better
35 WHAT TIME IS IT? High School Musical Cast Christian Fundamentalist rubbish
36 NO LONGER THERE The Cat Empire Trendy left-wing Adelaide rubbish from Melbourne
37 GIRLFRIEND Avril Lavigne Annoying rubbish
38 UFO Sneaky Sound System Brilliance
39 F.R.E.S.H. Scribe Kiwi Rubbish
40 DON'T MATTER Akon Rubbish
41 ONE MINUTE Kelly Clarkson Probably rubbish
42 SONG FOR MUTYA Groove Armada Alright.
43 INCONSOLABLE Backstreet Boys Alright.
44 BUY U A DRANK (SHAWTY SNAPPIN') T-Pain Feat. Yung Joc Definitely rubbish
45 GIVE IT TO ME Timbaland Feat. Nelly Furtado & Justin Timberlake Rubbish
46 BETTER THAN The John Butler Trio Truly awful rubbish at its worst
47 GLAMOROUS Fergie Feat. Ludacris Rubbish
48 GRACE KELLY Mika God-awful rubbish.
49 CANDYMAN Christina Aguilera Annoying rubbish.
50 NEVER AGAIN Kelly Clarkson She was good on Australian Idol this week wasn't she!

Great stuff: Fireman Sam

2007-10-05T13:24:00.000+10:00

Possibly the best kids show currently screening on ABC TV? Not that I see many. And it's not in the calibre of Astroboy, Belle and Sebastian, Superted, etc...but it's darn entertaining and has a great theme tune.

And do you realise, it has a character called Bella Lasagne? It's true! She's Italian! Isn't that wonderful.

Great stuff: The Flying Doctors

2007-10-05T13:19:00.000+10:00

This is being repeated at the moment on WIN TV. What a great show. There was an awesome episode once when they were in the plane and encountered UFO activity! So exciting.

You know what is missing from modern Australian dramas? Heart. What was the last Aussie drama to have heart?

The Public Sector Informant - the most boring newspaper ever?

2007-10-05T13:12:00.000+10:00

'nuff said.

Summer is coming - Mamma Mia, give me a sangria!

2007-09-20T14:15:00.001+10:00

Here at PopGoesCanberra we are huge Gunther fans, and were quite late to discover this video of his that came out in June or so...it's AMAZING! This may well be our summer 07/08 theme!

Ola Ola...ra ta da ta da!

What's Not (hot)

2007-09-08T21:45:00.000+10:00

Many things are not hot at the moment in Canberra.

First things first.

BMWs. What were once nice cars have been taken over by total and utter bogany types with hideous mullety hair who want to show off a lot and be very silly, really. And they usually have silly customised numberplates too, and drive too fast.

The staff at Fitness First Deakin - they have all changed - why so? The old ones were nice. These ones are all young and quite unhelpful. PGC prefers young and quite helpful.

Young men at Coles Manuka buying condoms excitedly at 6pm on a Saturday night. We don't want to know that you are having sex tonight, lest you set off our envious sexometers!

The Sideshow on the ABC. It's not very good really.

Air Crash Investigations being on at the same time as Summer Heights High.

Traffic lights along this section of Ballumbi St, Civic:

View Larger Map

They are terrible! They are not sychronised at all and once can be quite possibly caught by five in a row turning red one after the other!

Lack of street sensuality by Canberran folk.

Gatherings of young men in hoodies, smoking, outside McDonalds Manuka.

What's Hot

2007-09-08T21:27:00.000+10:00

Facebook (that's where we've been for the last four months - sorry)
Australian Idol, just so you can watch it and then go to Scott to be Certain's HILARIOUS commentary
Summer Heights High. A taste:

BWO. Look! Their new album is out shortly!!!!!
Neighbours. It's quite good, with its fancy new look and quality actors like Jane Hall, Steve Bastoni and co.
Hoodies. Nice ones. Not ugly ones.
APEC Australia 2007. Something interesting on the news for once!
The ski season. It was cold! But now it's hot, so the snow is melting :(
The weather - warming up, a little
Robyn - gracing Australia with her pop presence. Look at her hair!

What's Hot

2007-09-08T20:07:00.000+10:00

Yellow. Yellow is hot. Evidence?

The new Sugababes video "About You Now":

Verona's amazing "La Musica" from this year's Melodifestivalen:

What if Canberra were actually Poland?

2007-06-25T22:00:00.000+10:00

It would be something like this maybe! Or not...

Coles Manuka: Worst supermarket in Canberra?

2007-05-24T20:29:00.000+10:00

The answer is surely yes.

For the person who has just moved to the inner south of Canberra, Coles Manuka at first delights the senses. It is central, accessible, and stocked with a wide range of grocery items. It even has a little Asian and special foods section. Wowee.

But it starts to tire very quickly.

Most noticeable at first is the bizarre smell when you walk in. It's a complex blend of checkout staff greasy hair, doughey bread, half-cleaned floors and almost-off fish. Even Monsieur Grenouille from Perfume: The Scent of a Murderer would be disgusted.

Next, the prices. There are some decent specials, but the fruit and vegies are nowhere near the taste and good value that you'll find at Fyshwick markets. The breakfast cereal PopGoesCanberra prefers, Carmans, is approximately $0.25 dearer than at Woolworths. Nice eggs are ridiculously expensive.

Finally, the checkout operators. While there is the occasional stunning one who really should be in an Eastern European gay porn film, the vast majority have absolutely no charisma, dry, flaky lips and a weak "how are you" and "mind if I put the meat in the same bag?" They also have no idea how to work fast (obviously never been to Aldi) and tend to pack your bag in a way that makes it topple over as you are picking it up so your eggs all break, or just as you are getting out of your car at home the bag collapses because it is so weak and your yoghurt goes EVERYWHERE.

It's great that it employs local young people, but like, WHATEVER, how about sending them on some kind of course and developing their service skills? For fuck's sake...

I won't mention the decidely middle of the road soundtrack, that fails to inspire, apart from the occasional slice of Bardot or Shania Twain. BWO would NOT go astray.

As It Is In Heaven

2007-05-19T13:24:00.001+10:00

You've all got to see it! Look! This is the trailer! It's Swedish and perfect and wonderful! It's on at Dendy now!

Can you see why PopGoesCanberra loves the Gold Coast?

2007-05-19T13:13:00.000+10:00

I mean, it's a bit different to Canberra, isn't it?

Epic new BWO video

2007-05-10T20:51:00.000+10:00

PopGoesCanberra has returned from Brisbane (report coming soon, features photos from PopGoesCanberra's amazing Robyn - including a Nicole Ritchie lookalike up-close and personal on the Gold Coast) to find the amazing new BWO video has landed. Look at it!!!!

Just in case you are blind and can only listen to the song, which you will hear is amazing, the video features Martin looking amazing, Marina looking amazing, Alexander looking as silly as usual, plus loads of animal-like creatures, including a cute little mousey one! Oh, and lots of lovely lasery light beams!

Meanwhile PopGoesCanberra is impressed with this new Canberran blog which transplants all the good stuff in PopGoesCanberra and puts it on an enviable trip to the Eurovision Song Contest.

Natalie Barr from Seven Sunrise gropes budget airline guest

2007-04-25T20:23:00.000+10:00

After the Long Tan delayed ANZAC dawn service/Keven Rudd fiasco, another scandal has struck Channel Seven's Sunrise program.

A video that reveals newsreader Natalie Barr's previous life as a budget British airline flight attendant has come to light on YouTube. Watch at the 2 minute countdown mark as she goes too far with a security check on a young gentleman patron!

Napisan Tragedy

2007-04-22T15:43:00.000+10:00

Disaster struck at PopGoesCanberra headquarters today when a wonderful stripey jumper from Retrostar in Melbourne was dunked in Napisan without being colourfast tested. Stripes are now gone and pinkypurpleness is spread throughout the jumper. Absolut tragedy.

Good news? Ausculture Jess has got a JOB spouting the nonsense that she sprouts, here.

BWO are launching Chariots of Fire in the UK and did an amazing performance at Popjustice Live 2.0 in London of their brilliant cover of Alcazar's Saved My Pride. Cheer yourself up by watching here. Note Martin's nice singlet, hair and arms, Alexander's facial hair and don't note Marina because you can hardly see her in the dark.

Crap Food on Qantas flights: an update

2007-04-14T22:26:00.000+10:00

You know how we were saying that it's good how on the Dash-8 services you sometimes get nice crackers with nice cheese and nice wine? Well apparently that's only after 4pm. Before 4pm, you just get crap paninis, as per usual. I made it quite clear to the male trolley dolly (sorry, been watching too much Mile High) that I was not happy with this situation:

- Do we get nice crackers on this flight?
- No, that's only on flights after 4pm.
- Oh.

10 minutes later while he is serving tea and coffee:

- Do we get nice wine on this flight?
- No, that's only on flights after 4pm.
- Oh.

Lovely Canberra Autumn Evening - a haiku by PopGoesCanberra

2007-04-14T22:20:00.000+10:00

Acorns fall around
Dido drifts across the night:
While Flag meets black cat

Well, do you like it?

Would you just look at Tina Arena!

2007-03-25T00:13:00.000+11:00

I mean just look. Look at her! She's getting around France like she bloody owns the place!

Crap food on Qantas flights

2007-03-19T13:12:00.000+11:00

It's really just getting ridiculous how bad the food is on short sector Qantas flights. Namely Sydney-Hobart, Melbourne-Canberra. Just awful. It's all epitomised by the "Chicken panini". It is a hideous fat bread concoction "filled" with "chicken" in a "dijonnaise" sauce thing. Little cubes of "chicken" in this icky sauce, a few limp pieces of carrot or other vegetable type ingredient, and there's your meal! If you're lucky, you get a cube of Cadbury chocolate. Does Qantas seriously think these "meals" are a selling point for them? Is this what they call "full service"? Long live the days when you would take Ansett and be presented with a steaming hot, foil-covered meal that you peeled back to be met with a woosh of vapour smelling of little boiled potatoes, some kind of meat, and a tasty sauce.

So anyway, back to the paninis, they are crap. I don't have a problem with sandiwches per se. But when the bread is too thick and dry and tasteless, and the contents are smoodgy and icky and limp they are no fun at all.

And another thing. These horrible paninis, or as my one the other day was called "French Connection" (France should sue), have ridiculous lists of ingredients. This was a ham, brie and lettuce one. The ham wasn't bad. The brie was a bit tasteless, but hey, at least it's brie. Lettuce consisted of three stalks of limp baby spinach. So the ingredients should be bread, ham, brie and lettuce. Check out the actual list of ingredients:

Sandwich pain de mie (white flour (wheat flour, thiamin), water, butter, milk, sugar, yeast, salt, soy flour, emulsifier 472e, amylase, stabilizer 412, flour treatment agent 300, sesame seeds)
honey ham (soy protein, food acid 325, honey, maltodextrin, vegetable gum 407, mineral salts 451,452, antioxidant 316, flavour enhancer 637, sodium nitrate 250
brie
lettuce

What the hell was wrong with the flour in the first place such that it needed a flour treatment agent? And why was it unstable? And why did it need soy flour in it? And sugar? And thiamin? I take a multivitamin, I don't need an airline to further dose me up.

Why is there soy protein in ham, and maltodextrin, and frigging sodium nitrate? That's a well known allergen. Then you've got some kind of relative of MSG to enhance the flavour...how about using a decent tasting ham in the first place.

And then they go and call this French!

Oh, and another thing, on a bloody Dash 8 they manage to serve way better food (well, snacks) than on the mainline Qantas jet services. Launceston-Melbourne service, we got crackers with a very tasty sundried tomato dip, King Island Camembert, drinkable red wine, and an after dinner chocolate mint!

Bogans in a park

2007-03-18T18:47:00.000+11:00

There are some bogans in a park across the road from my house. They've set up on a park bench with a box full of beer and are yelling such things as "fuck you then" and they are throwing sticks at each other.

Why aren't they at their homes watching Australia's Got Talent?

Would you like something to suck on?

2007-03-18T18:36:00.000+11:00

The UK has said "let's regress 10 years and send this bunch in to Eurovision 2007!" Admittedly they've got uniforms (they're a bit "Deeper Shade of Blue" though aren't they), and it' much better live than in the studio. To use a Fop term, "as a general proposition Schooch are to be supported"

Måns Zelmerlöw Fever

2007-03-14T15:50:00.000+11:00

Canberra, or more precisely, PopGoesCanberra headquarters, is in Måns Zelmerlöw fever. In case you don't know (where have you been?), Måns came 5th in Swedish Idol and won Swedish Dancing with the Stars and has just come third in the final of Melodifestivalen 2007 with the AMAZING song Cara Mia. I have no idea what Cara Mia means, but it has appropriate lyrics like:

"Oh Cara Cara Mia/Cara Cara Mia/Love is all we need/I swear I'm never gonna leave you/Cara Cara Mia you're the one for me/when someone loves like I do/dreams can come true/so tell me tell me now/oh cara cara mia/how can you leave me now"

It's all just amazing and to top it off, Måns is incredibly good looking (in a fairly ordinary but a bit posh kind of way). You can see the official music video and the performance from Melodifestivalen below.

The song/music video features an old fashioned phone (fuzzy sounding bit!) gregorian chants, storming chorus, huge key change, a bit at the end that seems totally out of the place from the rest of the video, nice salsa-like dancing, fuzzy over the top clubby dancing, and a big pull the chick close to your chest so her boobs look hot bit!

And the Melodifestivalen performance has big Nanne Gronvall style fans and Nanne Gronvall style dancers!

NOTE that the crowd goes wild at the exact right spot, the big clappy bit! AND they have big balloons! And there is lots of smoke! And he dances in a very stilted but horny way! I could go on forever....

And to top it off, Måns likes planes, because he says in an interview that before Idol, "I thought i was going to be a pilot"!!!!

Dream (but realistic) Australia Day Live Concert

2007-02-03T22:56:00.000+11:00

Live from the lawns of Australia's Parliament House!

Hosted by Andrew G and Gretel Killeen!

With Sandra Sully and new Neighbours star Sam Clark on roaming mics!

Warm up act: Sonya (Shirley Clamp's best friend) & buff dancers

Warmer act: Candee Jay
(including special "duet" of If I Were You with Young Divas)

Hot act: Martin Stenmarck
(Canberra has forgiven him for what he did to Nanne)

Stupendous act: t.A.T.u.

Setlist

All About Us (with special guests The Veronicas)
Loves Me Not
Stars
Ya Soshla S Ama
Outer Space (as Comet McNaught flies over Red Hill)
Not Gonna Get Us (with special guest the goth from Australian Princess)

Enjoy.

Things I love #1

2007-02-03T22:47:00.000+11:00

Swedish people:

Such energy!

Always nice hair and clothes (though not sure about the tie)!

Things I hate #1

2007-02-03T22:42:00.000+11:00

The sound of car brakes in underground car parks
Walking up dodgy grungey staircases in underground car parks
When old blokes position themselves and their bench less than a foot away from the little dumbell stand at the gym so that you have to squeeze past them all the time

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer

2007-01-28T20:03:00.000+11:00

Just went and saw this. It's awesome. Smelly. Beautiful. Ben Whishaw is a beautiful actor. Beautiful. This is him smelling a chick he then kills. It's all just wonderful (except the killing).

Cheesy Italian Crime Show on SBS this summer

2007-01-04T18:39:00.000+11:00

It's called Don Matteo and I've seen the first three episodes and it's just WONDERFUL. The lead character is a Catholic priest who is blonde and rides a bike and wears a funny hat and fancies himself as a bit of a policeman WITHOUT FORGETTING HIS PRIESTLY DUTIES and he's played by a guy called TERENCE HILL which doesn't sound very Italian BUT SPEAKS GOOD ITALIAN (though what would I know) and there is a "Capitano" who is the police captain and there is a "bumbling" Seargent who wishes he could get promoted but he can't because he's "bumbling" and there is a good looking young cop who doesn't get much of a look-in and there is a female MAYOR who is the Capitano's possible love interest, if this weren't a PG rated show (Mild violence) and she is quite "bumbling" too because she isn't very good at driving cars, and it's all set in a BEAUTIFUL little Italian village where lots of crime happens oh and the policemen always go and ask Don Matteo for help and he has this woman living with him who I don't think it's wife because he's a priest but she's very "nervy" and bakes a lot!

Whew!

It's like Blue Heelers, but ENTERTAINING and NOT AUSTRALIAN and NOT DODGY and GLAMOUROUS in a GOOD WAY.

It's all a great lead-in to an Adults-Only episode of Inspector Rex. The other day it was about this horrible sexual predator who had it in for Rex and wanted to kill him, but in the end, Rex got him! :)

Meanwhile, listen to this! (Real player streaming audio) It's a song I've just noticed in the Swedish charts called "Forget me forget me not". It's quite good. (But nothing to do with Don Matteo)

http://www.sr.se/cgi-bin/p3/topplistor/createsmil.asp?plac=36

Lazy ARIA Top 50 round-up

2007-01-03T22:27:00.000+11:00

1 NIGHT OF MY LIFE Damien Leith
It works I suppose. But it's not very EXCITING is it.

2 DON'T GIVE UP Shannon Noll & Natalie Bassingthwaighte
Well it's nice that it's about reducing suicide and STUFF but I think Natalie puts on a bit of a silly voice. Or is that just how she sounds when she sings slow songs?

3 SMACK THAT Akon Feat. Eminem
I'm assuming this is awful.

4 WIND IT UP Gwen Stefani
Well the goat bit is good but the rest is a bit unlistenable.

5 IRREPLACEABLE Beyonc
The "to the left" rubbish drives me NUTS!

6 I WISH I WAS A PUNK ROCKER (WITH FLOWERS IN MY HAIR) Sandi Thom
Who is still buying this?

7 MY LOVE Justin Timberlake Feat. T.I.
Toes in the sand. It's great.

8 I DON'T FEEL LIKE DANCIN' Scissor Sisters
Amusingly popular. I never liked it much to begin with, and still don't.

9 FERGALICIOUS Fergie
What rubbish.

10 SAY IT RIGHT Nelly Furtado
Lovely, just lovely. So pretty.

11 ELEVATOR LOVE Guy Sebastian
You know what I think about this.

12 LIGHT SURROUNDING YOU Evermore
Pretty, very pretty. Not as pretty as Nelly though.

13 TOO LITTLE TOO LATE JoJo
What generic rubbish. Just AWFUL.

14 HAPPENIN' ALL OVER AGAIN Young Divas
Good on you, you "middling foursome" (Sun Herald quote)

15 I DON'T NEED A MAN The Pussycat Dolls
Well it's not that bad is it? It's not Steps though.

16 U + UR HAND P!nk
It's about masturbation. That is a good thing, surely.

17 HURT Christina Aguilera
She's disappointing these days.

18 ROCK THIS PARTY (EVERYBODY DANCE NOW) Bob Sinclar
What a load of codswollop.

19 FUNKY TONIGHT John Butler Trio
Oh Gosh, I forgot these guys when I did my "scourge on pop music" post.

20 WELCOME TO THE BLACK PARADE My Chemical Romance
Assuming it's awful.

21 WE RIDE Rihanna
Assuming it's awful.

22 PAC'S LIFE 2Pac Feat. T.I. And Ashanti
Ashanti! Is she still around? Definitely awful.

23 JOKER & THE THIEF Wolfmother
Definitely awful.

24 CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE SOBER Evanescence
Disappointingly awful. Their first album's singles were so good and ideal for belting while cruising up Bermuda Street and this is just....unlistenable.

25 SEXYBACK Justin Timberlake
It is.

26 PUT YOUR HANDS UP FOR DETROIT Fedde Le Grand
Pretty sure it's awful.

27 Eskimo Joe
Not that bad actually.

28 COME TO ME P. Diddy Feat. Nicole Scherzinger
Awful.

29 WHAT IF I'M RIGHT Sandi Thom
Unsure.

30 MANEATER Nelly Furtado
Quite perfect really.

31 TIGHTROPE Stephanie McIntosh
Nice synths. And bosom.

32 LAST CHRISTMAS (WITH FROG) Crazy Frog
Reserving judgment. But I do not dislike the Crazy Frog phenomenon. The power could be chanelled in other directions though.

33 LEAVE ME ALONE The Veronicas
Pretty harmonies.

34 LONELY Shannon Noll
Wonderful for doing the shopping to.

35 LOVELIGHT Robbie Williams
I just don't get it. Nothing special for me.

36 THE KILL (BURY ME) 30 Seconds To Mars
Oooh aren't we popular now. I can see the appeal, I don't like it though.

37 ME & U Cassie
Who is Cassie?

38 LIVE FOR LOVE Anthony Callea
Go to SWEDEN, not ITALY, Anthony!

39 SNOW ((HEY OH)) Red Hot Chili Peppers
Definitely awful.

40 PICTURES Sneaky Sound System
Quite good really. I like their sound.

41 LONDON BRIDGE Fergie
Yeah whatever.

42 WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG The Killers
Unlistenable.

43 TALLER, STRONGER, BETTER Guy Sebastian
Unlistenable.

44 YOU GIVE ME SOMETHING James Morrison
Mediocre.

45 IF EVERYONE CARED Nickelback
They make me want to slit my wrists (not really).

46 LOVE LIKE WINTER AFI
Australian Film Industry? WTF?

47 BUTTONS The Pussycat Dolls feat. Snoop Dogg
I preferred the Bleep one.

48 BUT IT'S BETTER IF YOU DO Panic! At The Disco
Reserving judgment.

49 UNFAITHFUL Rihanna
God, who is buying this. It's just AWFUL. Strangled cat.

50 THE SAINTS ARE COMING U2 & Green Day
Awful.

Not as bad as when we did this a few months ago really!

Lyrical analysis of Guy Sebastian's "Elevator Love"

2006-12-30T17:29:00.000+11:00

Prompted by the ridiculous faux-Swedishness of Guy Sebastian's latest effort, I was spurred into listening to the lyrics after trying to sing Since U Been Gone/4 Ever/Just Want You to Know/U+Ur Hand over the top of the melody.

I ripped these lyrics off a Christian blog that is quite popular (if only mine were so) and is quite a fan of Guy.

This isn't going to be very in-depth, I warn you.

If I could, I would
Do it again, I’d do it again

Catchy!

I wouldn’t change a thing

Kylie reference!

We have love, and lose love
And do it again, and do it again

Catchy bit again!

But that’s just how we are
We come back just to throw it all away

Delta Goodrem reference!

Tell me it’s over
So we can do it all again
I’m addicted to this elevator love

First reference to an elevator! Strange given that the video is set in an elevator, and the name of the song revolves around the elevator. Makes me think of that great episode of Police Rescue where there was a small earthquake in Sydney and the whole episode was set inside a lift shaft and it made my palms and feet sweat as a 10 year old!

Tell me you miss me
And I will come back for one more day
I’m addicted to this elevator love
Elevator love

Well he certainly loves his elevator lovin'! Good on you, Guy. Nothing wrong with public places. But there certainly is no graphic detail of your elevator love...

We laugh, we cry
And do it again, do it again
We go to hell and back
But there’s something ’bout you

Jamelia reference!

I can’t keep away
Just can’t keep away
We know we’ll crash down
But I don’t want it any other way

Over and over and over we fall
We go up to come down, just to turn it around
And face it all again

Boring bit...

REPEAT CHORUS

Well that's all a bit boring isn't it! Reminds me a bit though of a great scene where Phil and Debbie were getting it on in the lift at St Hughes on The Bill. It was HOT. Guy should have done something like that in his clip. Or described it in the lyrics.

Really, this song is just a big disappointment. It attempts to be Swedish, yet fails in its mediocrity. The lack of depth in the lyrics points to crapness.

Like Anthony Callea, who for some silly reason went to Italy to write songs for his album, Guy should book a flight to Stockholm immediately. Or not, so as to leave space in the writing huts for Shirley Clamp, Linda Bengtzing, etc, etc.

Jangly piano appreciation

2006-12-30T17:19:00.000+11:00

Ten Miles by Infernal - it feature's some great jangly piano!
Keane's album Hopes and Fears - wonderful jangly piano! I'm not sure if their second album features as much, but I hope so!
ABBA's If It Wasn't for the Nights - absolutely chock full of jangly piano!

Why not post your favourite jangly piano as a comment?

Things that have been exciting this year

2006-12-29T15:12:00.000+11:00

I simply can't do the amazing sort of lists like I'm Always Right and Popjustice because a) I can't be bothered and b) I don't have enough money to buy loads of music and c) I no longer work in the music industry in any way, shape or form, so I a) haven't really got into music as much as usual this year and b) there hasn't REALLY been that much good stuff around. IMO.

So I thought I'd do a very casual little list about exciting things. And include movies. Yeah, that's a good idea.

BWO

Halcyon Days is an awesome album. It's not as exciting as Protoype, mainly because I find tracks 6, 7 and 8 to be a bit shit. But the rest is just amazing and they have kept coming up with some incredible videos. This is why they are greatest pop band around at the moment (click play!)

It has flying dogs and other cool stuff! Just amazing.

What's something else I enjoyed this year. Well Infernal were really slack and cancelled their tour to Australia, instead deciding to stay and promote From Paris to Berlin in the UK. Bastards. But they did come up with an amazing new cover of Self Control which has a great video featuring lots of liquids and things:

It's quite wonderful.

Oooh and I almost forgot - Lucky by Lucky Twice! Two random Swedish girls singing a happy song, and the video features glow-worms! And it features a great lyric: Even though you said it would never end it's over/You were smiling on my arm now you're crying on my shoulder, and "over" and "shoulder" is pronounced in that wonderful Swedish/American accent!

What else.

Girls Aloud, September, Da Buzz, Marie Serneholdt, Dannii Minogue etc were all still rather good, but everything I've listened to this year and really got into...was from last year. How disappointing really. I've just bought a Sony Walkman MP3 player, so maybe that will get me a bit more excited. But I can see myself listening to lots of old music really!

Well what's reasonably exciting at the moment. How about this song:

My Love by Justin Timberlake. It has all these little synthy sounds in it that just sound very cool. And it also has a line about Justin's toes in the sand! That would get any person who is into feet going for days, especially given that he brought sexy back.

MOVIES!

I saw loads of good movies this year.

Matchpoint: this was quite sexual. Look at the photo! It was my first Woody Allen movie.

Jindabyne: it was quite exciting to see this movie, because I know the actual place Jindabyne quite well. It was very dreamy and made me feel all funny. Could have had a better ending. It was very exciting and now every time I see a horrible looking man driving a ute, I say it looks like a Jindabyne Car!

Over the Hedge: the first kids' movie I'd seen in AGES and I really enjoyed it. Despite the presence of Avril Lavigne.

The Da Vinci Code: yeah it wasn't as good as the book, but it really wasn't that bad. I hope they do Angels and Demons soon, because that should be way better.

Borat: very very very very funny. "Orange water panties" is my favourite line.

Little Miss Sunshine: oh gosh, this was just beautiful. Beautiful! I just BURST out crying when the guy finds out he can't be a fighter pilot because he is colourblind, because I would love to be a pilot and am also a bit colourblind.

Brokeback Mountain: well this made me cry when Heath smells the other bloke's shirt. So sad.

Charlotte's Web: I cried for half the movie. I just couldn't help myself.

Hidden: This was mysterious.

Flightplan: Ooh now this WAS enjoyable. I love planes.

Volver: This was just LOVELY and makes me want to go to Spain and tend my grave.

The Black Dahlia: I didn't understand HALF of it. But it was still quite good.

The Prestige: Oh now this was VERY good. Thoroughly enjoyable.

C-R-A-Z-Y: Now this was AMAZING. Loved it. Except the bit in the desert. That was silly.

Friends with Money: This was LOVELY. Not really a cinema movie but it was a lovely little tale.

V for Vendetta: Thorougly enjoyable!

Transamerica: Just LOVELY.

I've just realised I'd be a really CRAP film reviewer. But you get the gist surely?

Scourge of popular music

2006-12-29T12:31:00.000+11:00

Sorry to be so negative, but really, I've had it up to here with these awful artists, they are desperately attempting to spoil my listening of the local radio station. They can all be lumped into the same category of hideousness:

Ben Harper

What a wanker. As soon as I hear a radio announcer say "here's a great new song from Ben Harper" I switch to ABC Newsradio. Ugh. Why listen to him when you could listen to Natalie Imbruglia's Come September?

Jack Johnson

Ugh. His cruisy laidback tones infuriate me. If someone offered me a free ride from Sydney to Brisbane and they said the soundtrack would be Ben Harper, no way would I accept. I have nothing against surfing mind you. His music is just awful. And he's so povo that he couldn't put off the photographer until a day when the weather was fine. Why listen to him when you could listen to Lisa Miskovsky's Sing to Me?

James Blunt

Just hideous. I mean really. Why listen to James Blunt when you could listen to Girls Aloud's Watch Me Go?

2006-09-28T18:28:00.000+10:00

This....
+

This....

+

This...
=

A WEIRD POPGOESCANBERRA DREAM

Dannii Minogue and Andrew O'Keefe, acoustic version of You Won't Forget About Me in front of Casino Canberra!

Selections for your viewing pleasure

2006-09-03T20:29:00.000+10:00

The ultimate in lazy blogging - picking a whole bunch of video clips for you to watch....

BEWILDERED LOOKING PRETTY FRENCH BOY WHO IS PROBABLY A BIT TOO SKINNY (YES, I KNOW HE ISN'T WELL)

Dramatic production but what annoys me about this is that you hardly see his feet. It's just WEIRD.

THIS GIRL SHOULD HAVE MADE IT THROUGH - WHAT A PROFESSIONAL - PLUS HER SONG "ONE PERFECT DAY" IS GREAT

THIS GIRL IS BLOODY AWFUL - WHAT'S THE FUSS?

She sounds like a hideous lazy mutant of Missy Higgins and Kasey Chambers. Just hideous.

Sydney-Canberra trip

2006-07-19T23:15:00.000+10:00

What's good:

Great snack on the Dash-8 - King Island Camembert, Sundried tomato dip, biscuits, red wine and water.
Getting there fast.
Awesome Italian bistro in Surry Hills: cheap, amazing, homely food. Can't remember the name of it.
Bills Woolhara for breakfast. Yummy scrambled eggs.

What's shit:

Horrible snack on the jet - pretzels and rice crackers. Ugh.
Planes with not one single person on it who you find sexy.
Idiot travellers with huge cabin baggage meaning it takes ages to get on the plane.
Funny smelling taxi drivers.
Rain.

Mile High: in the air and up the mountain

2006-06-14T21:19:00.000+10:00

On the coldest Canberra night in two years, the amazing UK drama/comedy Mile High returned to Australia's screens. What a pleasure.

Thank you Channel Seven for bringing this little touch of the wonderful FRESH lifestyle to us over this cold period. But why so late at night? This should be prime time viewing.

Meanwhile the ski resorts are finally open. Hurry up and open up Blue Cow and Guthega dear Perisher and I will be up there in a flash.

What's hot and what's not in Canberra food and drink

2006-06-03T16:15:00.000+10:00

What's HOT

Deek's Bakery. Awesome grain-free, tasty, high protein breads, fresh pasta, lovely warm wooden feel, young multicultural looking, professional staff and all blessed by Robert deCastella.

Sabayon. Third in the Aubergine and Courgette restaurant trilogy, it offers beautiful food, beautiful (spunky staff) service, beautiful white tablecloths at value prices. Best place for guaranteed great experience in Civic.

Happys. Best after a few drinks on a Friday night and a little banquet with people you don't really know. Try not to start a food fight.

Jim Murphy's Market Cellars. Jim Murphy on the ad seems as though he's enjoyed quite a bit of his own wares. Great prices and spunky, genuinely friendly and helpful staff.

Gus'. Awesome soup, great on a winter's night, spunky, flirtatious staff.

What's NOT

Figaro. We had horrible food and horrible service there last year. Now the fact that it is awful has been picked up on by the fabulous Wendy Johnson of CityNews magazine. Word is spreading.

Canberra Centre Food Court. So sick of it. Lower the prices and up the choice please.

Ardeche. I felt sick after eating here. Icky. And it aint French.

Belgian Beer Cafe. Overpriced food and standoffish service.

MeccaBah. Nowhere near as much fun in the winter as the summer, the staff are a bit too friendly and the food is overpriced.

Basa fish. Anywhere. It's from the Mekong River and tastes like mud. And it's the only sort of fish you can get at most takeaway shops in Canberra. Disgusting.

Why don't pool parties like THIS happen in Canberra?

2006-04-18T11:02:00.000+10:00

Well, probably because:

Canberra isn't exactly the Cote d'Azur
There aren't that many hot Swedes in Canberra
Canberrans don't listen to quality pop music like this (except PopGoesCanberra)

Here's a call for any Canberrans who have a pool like this and who love Da Buzz, do you wanna make tonight the night?

Rant rant rant: vintage cars and the Top 50

2006-04-17T10:26:00.000+10:00

First of all, vintage cars SUCK. Yes they really do. I was trying to get home from the south coast yesterday in a decent amount of time, no intention of speeding, just a safe speed slightly under the limit to save petrol. There was this really annoying non-descript truck (with a concealed number plate I might add) that went at a decent speed on a straight flat bits, then crawled up hills. There were about twenty cars behind it, mine being one of them. So, to replicate the success of a short-cut I had taken coming down on Thursday, I zipped off through a side-street in Braidwood.

BAD MOVE!

Worse short-cut ever!

I, along with several others who decided to follow, got stuck behind a horse and carriage! Hello! Why the HELL would you go on a horse and carriage in BRAIDWOOD???? Why? We have cars! It'll spoil the experience for you when you really want to go on a horse and carriage in Vienna (home of Inspector Rex), Salzburg, or somewhere equally romantic and Austrian, when you are pining for some clop clop on cobblestones.

To make it worse, being stuck behind the horse and carriage gave time for a whole FLEET of VINTAGE CARS to pull out onto the single-lane highway between Braidwood and Canberra. What is WRONG with these people? These cars are DANGEROUS. Go and drive on your own roads!!! What if I was trying to ge to the airport on time? What if I had a woman in labour in my car? You get in the way and people are already driving like nutcases on Easter Sunday and here you are, getting in the way in your little "hobbies." You might say I like vintage cars, you like Swedish pop music, each to their own. Well no, it doesn't work like that, because your hobby annoys thousands of other road users. Mine doesn't, I have the windows shut, thank you very much.

Now for the Top 50. I've decided to class the current ARIA singles chart into "Shit", "Not quite as shit" and "Not really very shit at all" categories. Just for fun.

SHIT

FOREVER YOUNG Youth Group
LOVE GENERATION Bob Sinclar (derivative shit)
SO SICK Ne-Yo
PUMP IT Black Eyed Peas
GRILLZ Nelly featuring Paul Wall, Ali & Gipp
ALL I HEAR Kate Alexa (you're not very good you Australian girl)
GOODBYE MY LOVER James Blunt (ultimate in shit)
NASTY GIRL Notorious B.I.G.
THUNDER IN MY HEART AGAIN Meck Feat. Leo Sayer
GASOLINA Daddy Yankee
ANYTHING FOR YOU Lee Harding (my WORD you are unattractive)
LIKE YOU Bow Wow
JUST FEEL BETTER Santana (just unbelievably hideous)
THEY DON'T KNOW Savage
BIG CITY LIFE Mattafix
RUN IT! Chris Brown (you are too young to "run it", whatever that involves)
IF IT'S LOVIN' THAT YOU WANT Rihanna
OPPORTUNITY Pete Murray (Jamie Durie wannabe)
WASABI Lee Harding (my word you are ugly, what is wrong with you little girls?)
GET YOUR NUMBER Mariah Carey
WHEN I'M GONE Eminem
FAR AWAY Nickelback
PUT YOUR RECORDS ON Corinne Bailey Rae (just because the papers say you are good doesn't mean you are)
IS IT JUST ME? The Darkness
WAKE UP The Living End
SUNSHINE OF YOUR LOVE Cream Vs The Hoxtons
THE RIVER Live
ONE CROWDED HOUR Augie March (Augie. Imagine being called Augie.)
THERE IT GO (THE WHISTLE SONG) Juelz Santana
CONFESSIONS OF A BROKEN HEART (DAUGHTER TO FATHER) Lindsay Lohan
DON'T LISTEN TO THE RADIO The Vines
GET UP OUTTA THE DIRT Butterfingers
REAL SOON Snoop Dogg
I'M SPRUNG T-Pain

NOT QUITE AS SHIT

FLAUNT IT TV Rock (no comment)
BEEP The Pussycat Dolls Feat. Will.I.Am (I want to hear what's behind the beeps please!)
YOU RAISE ME UP Westlife (well at least it's pop)
STUPID GIRLS P!nk (not really very good, really)
TOUCH THE SKY Kanye West Feat. Lupe Fiasco (interesting)
L.O.V.E. Ashlee Simpson (no comment)
WALK AWAY Kelly Clarkson (too many good looking people in video clip, I don't agree)
LIFT Shannon Noll (much better after being made The Biggest Loser theme)

NOT REALLY VERY SHIT AT ALL

TOGETHER WE ARE ONE Delta Goodrem (heart-warming!)
WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART The Veronicas (is this Swedish written like the first two singles?)
FADED Kate DeAraugo (Kelly Clarkson-esque as Kate proclaims herself!)
WATCHING YOU Rogue Traders (I loved seeing Natalie on Thank God You're Here, she was so pretty)
SORRY Madonna (oh yes we know you're good)
NEVER SAY NEVER Vandalism (surprisingly saucy)
UGLY Sugababes
HUNG UP Madonna

I heart Kim Watkins: superstar

2006-04-17T10:19:00.000+10:00

David Reyne and Kim Watkins along with their team of experts provide topical information, conversation and practical tools to get viewers through the day with warmth and humour. 9AM with David & Kim is "all about you".

It is indeed all about me! Me me me! I love David and Kim. Particularly Kim. She's such a champion. She's a race car driver you know, she came 3rd in the celebrity challenge at the Grand Prix this year. I love the way she puts her arm over the back of the couch. And she tossles and jossles with Dave and then smiles heartily, at the camera, saying to me "oh isn't he silly". Love it. Nothing better than getting in to work late and watching David and Kim bantering. Good on you guys for giving it a good go!

Sextuplet faker hair shock

2006-04-17T10:03:00.000+10:00

The background is here.

But just look at his hair, LOOK! What was he thinking?!

What's Hot or Not Autumn 2006

2006-03-28T20:52:00.000+11:00

This is in no particular order...

WHAT'S HOT

1. Punch

Preferably weak and then getting stronger as the night goes on...add some champagne...vodka...tequila...absinthe...jungle juice...and you end up wonderfully sloshed amongst fine company at a wonderful Canberra house party.

2. The back page of The Sydney Morning Herald

It's so darn funny. I spend all day...well 20 minutes anyway reading "Stay in Touch", "Heckler" and "Column 8".

3. Delta Goodrem Together we are one

Thank goodness they've woken up to themselves and are releasing this as a single. I got goosebumps while watching her at the Commonwealth Games. Come back to our shores if the Americans don't want you you silly tart.

4. Infernal coming to Australia

Oh how exciting is this! Very! I want to see sexy blonde chick and hot Danish guy LIVE please. My prayers have been answered. April 21 in Sydney.

5. Sex

It's not bad is it.

6. Today Tonight

Did I just say that? There are now more bogans on Neighbours than TT now. Today Tonight is roaring through the ratings and good on 'em. They do trash so WELL. It's worth watching just for Naomi Robson's little remarks.

7. The Biggest Loser

More trash done well. And it's Australian too! Go you good things. Especially Kristie...she's pretty!

8. Survivor - Panama

I hate Survivor. But wait...we found ourselves watching it tonight. Not just for Aras the yoga lavender-loving man but also the team names...YOUNGER MEN...YOUNGER WOMEN...OLDER MEN...OLDER WOMEN...unless you're into animals, there is something for EVERYBODY!!! It's like the ideal dating scene.

9. Coffee in Manuka on a warm sunny Sunday afternoon with the Sun-Herald.

Eat greasy chips, drink latte, get your feet red and read "S". It doesn't get much better.

10. Melbourne

Sexiest city in Australia.

WHAT'S NOT

1. Heaving buses roaring past on Constitution Avenue.

You smell! You are loud! And you are filled with people silly enough not to take a car to work!

2. Bridge works on Kings Avenue Bridge.

Over it!

3. Sunglasses combined with an mp3 player while walking around Canberra

The ultimate in "I'm not interested in social interaction with anyone at all...you can't speak to me, you can't see my eyes, you don't know where I'm looking but I'm not interested in you so I'm highly likely not looking at you even though you are staring at me."

I can't think of any more because I'm in a positive mood today. Might add some more when I'm in a bad mood (hopefully not this week!)

The Truth About The Truth About Diamonds

2006-02-25T15:38:00.000+11:00

Holiday reading for PGC normally involves a light-hearted mix of essays by J.K. Galbraith, a couple of Joseph Conrad novels, and the occasional romance by Jean Genet. Imagine our surprise, then, to find a hefty volume entitled The Truth About Diamonds: A Novel A Novel A Novel wedged firmly in our Christmas stocking – a literary bottle-neck of exhausting proportions. Groan. Last year we were burdened with Paris Hilton’s emotionally taxing Confessions of an Heiress, which we barely finished in time for Christmas lunch. Here we were again, just twelve months later, with another weighty tome in our hands and not a Cliff’s Notes in sight. Having battled our way through TTAD: ANANAN, PGC feels it is only fair that we provide a comprehensive analysis of this important work for the benefit of future students of English literature. For Nicole Richie is a creative force likely to shape the course of modern fiction. Her style is so challenging, and her idiom so nuanced, she is at times difficult to follow. For those who persevere, however, TTAD: ANANAN is a rewarding experience.

The first hurdle for the novice reader to overcome is the confusing similarity between the novel’s protagonist, Chloe Parker, and the author’s own personal history. Derided by some critics as a shameless act of self-promotion, PGC hails this audacious foray into the third person as a milestone in modern literature. One can only imagine the amount of ‘tweaking’ Richie’s raw, uncompromising prose would have required to neutralise its defamatory content if it had been written using the characters’ real names. Thus, it seems all the more plausible for Richie to retreat into the background, shielded from potential litigation as she cunningly positions herself in the authorial voice of ‘Nicole.’ Too subtle? We thought so. But then, Richie likes to play games with the English language that are still illegal in Queensland. In fact, PGC has not seen such an audacious attempt to disrupt and destabilise the literary status quo since Drew Barrymore’s controversial use of italics in the epic novel Little Girl Lost.

Critics are scrambling to discover where Richie learned her craft, and creative writing schools across the US are understandably desperate to claim Richie as an alumni. It will come as no surprise to PGC readers, though, to discover that Richie is largely self taught. She describes her tumultuous apprenticeship thus: ‘I went to the University of Arizona. I stopped because I went there for two years and I felt like I experienced college or whatever. I'm over it. I like Hollywood better.’ Instead, it seems Richie honed her creative talents developing semi-obscene tattoos to cram onto her cadaverous frame and scratching absurdist pop lyrics in rehab facilities. Part of the great mystery of Nicole Richie is how the publicity-shy actress found the strength to bare her soul so openly in a written form. As she ruminated once in a rare interview: ‘I've just gone through so much in my life that pulling my top up just doesn't seem like that big a deal.’

This remarkable capacity for self restraint is only too apparent in TTAD: ANANAN, as Richie’s brutally honest self-portrayal as a sturdy, responsible pillar of the Hollywood community unfolds: ‘When Chloe’s number popped up on my cell at mid-night one night, I was already being driven home after the opening of a good friend’s new boutique…I smiled, catching my own grin in the rear view mirror of my own limo.’ Richie’s brisk economy of words, punctuated with odd similes and unexplained pauses, not only saves paper, but vocabulary: ‘Saying “hi” like I did…with the gentleness of stroking a newborn kitten, was my way of apologising and asking for another chance. Just…”hi.”’ Indeed, nowhere is Richie’s precocious talent more apparent than in her efficient command of the fullstop, which she flaunts repeatedly: ‘I discreetly excused myself and found the ladies’ room, which was like a palace of lavender marble. It truly was…something.’ PGC does not mind admitting that we were almost reduced to tears by this passage. Richie’s crisp prose, her economy of words and rhythmic timing all combine to make this emotionally-charged toilet scene almost…something. If you thought Richie’s only contact with toilets was throwing up in them, think again. Anyone who can cram the words ‘translucent,’ ‘diaphanous’ and ‘gak sak’ into a description of a toilet deserves to be taken seriously.

Chloe’s encounter with a pair of tabloid reporters in the opening scene also showcases Richie’s mastery of self-reflexiveness: ‘It turned out a paparazzo had been following them the entire time, and since neither of them were famous, they weren’t used to making sure they weren’t being tailed every ten seconds like I am.’ Chloe, we soon learn, is a Hollywood innocent on the cusp of celebrity with a penchant for street-level self defence and men with gastric by-passes. Astute readers will not fail to notice the depth of this characterisation intensify throughout the novel. At the start of Part One (titled Before): ‘Chloe’s mailing address might have been her mom’s place in Bel Air, but the place to find her – and more importantly the place where she was finding herself – was whatever party was hottest at the moment.’ By the end of Part Two, however, (titled, intriguingly, After): ‘…she was a grown woman with rehab under her Versace belted halter dress and a red-hot reality project that was making her a household name.’

(Left) Red Hot Reality: Chloe.....errrr Richie appears at the MTV awards with rehab under her Versace belted dress

Reality projects notwithstanding, Richie strenuously avoids the temptation to launch militant attacks on her former associates. ‘Is anyone perfect?’ she demands testily in the preface, ‘No. Only a perfect diamond looks good that close up…All the people in this novel are fictional, but like real people, they’re flawed. And even though I adore her…my diamond in the rough, Chloe is no exception.’ Neither, it would seem, are the other dramatis personae, particularly Chloe’s wayward childhood friend and red-hot-reality-co-star: Simone Westlake. Students of structuralism and semiotics worldwide remain baffled by this odd choice of pseudonym, and have requested the services of encryption experts to decode this oblique reference to Paris Hilton. Not only does this ingenious device provide Richie with an opportunity to take a couple of vicious swipes at Paris, it also provides a vehicle for her incisive wit. PGC particularly enjoyed the gripping scene where Chloe’s mother confronts her about her drug use: ‘”Who taught you to do this? To trip the lizard?” Chloe laughed before she could stop herself. “It’s chasing the dragon, Mom.” But the question was just as hilarious. Who had taught Chloe about drugs? The problem could be traced – as so many problems could be – back to Simone.’

Among the accusations levelled at Paris (aka Simone) in TTAB we find murder (at age four), followed by drug use (age 11), right-wing extremism (14), promiscuity (on-going), and - crushingly - poor taste in interior design. Read between the lines, though, and subtle references throughout the book point unmistakably to Hilton’s determined and repeated breach of copyright through the publication of artistic mobile phone images (‘I’m thinking of selling them to a British newspaper because they can show tits in the paper over there.’), her possible involvement in welfare fraud (‘Oh, yeah – and I’m not pregnant after all, so don’t worry about that either.’) and, most chillingly, her unconventional approach to breast augmentation (‘She was stuffing her bra with expensive silk scarves…warning Chloe never to use toilet paper for fear “your tits will smell like ass, and no guys will ever want to sleep with you.”’) Right: Cruel attacks on Paris Hilton take their toll....

Like Paris Hilton’s Simone, Nicole Richie’s Nicole is also prone to philosophy, wryly observing that ‘…fame is hungry. In the same way girls like to chase their sweet with a little salt, fame requires a misery chaser to every ounce of joy.’ Part political satire, part penetrating socio-cultural critique, Richie’s dazzling flair for abbreviation captures the vernacular of her troubled teen characters so well, it is a mystery to PGC why she didn’t release the entire volume as one continuous SMS. W/E! One wonders how Richie plans to follow up this masterpiece. A scathing pod cast on former fiancée Adam Goldstein, dimly personified as ‘DJ Ray’? A couch-thumping appearance on Oprah’s book club? Or something more conspicuous? A Truth about diamonds and Reconciliation Commission is PGC’s suggestion, capped off with Richie making a dramatic birqua-clad dash down the steps of the court room when Hilton arrives to give evidence. (If, for no other reason, than to fling the garment across Hilton's nether regions as she exists the limo)

Like so many other ‘electrifying first novels’, Richie’s masterpiece resists a genre. Unless, of course ‘electrifying first novels’ can be deemed a genre in itself. PGC initially considered TTAD to be an uneasy alliance between children’s literature and large print reading material for brain trauma outpatients. However, we now suspect that TTAD discloses all the hallmarks of the ‘drug-addled as a teenager/slim grasp of English as an adult’ genre, epitomized by Pamela Anderson in her ground-breaking work Starstruck: A Novel. Critics agree that this startling composition has raised the bar for Richie with its skilful blend of absurdist comedy and soft-core pornography, captured poignantly in the opening scene: ‘Why do my nipples hurt? was Star's first thought as she woke from a strangely deep sleep, her hands gliding along her naked body...’.

But what does the literary establishment make of TTAD? How many karats is Richie’s masterwork fetching on the ruthless market of high-brow criticism? This is what the newspapers had to say:

–The New York Post"Shockingly entertaining."

–Chicago Tribune"[A] gem of a book."

Richie is also faring well online among the usually prickly under-12 demographic:

January 16, 2006
TheDivineMsF "*J.O.S.E*" (Philly, PA USA) writes on E-Bay Reviews and Guides:
'Nicole is my god, and this book really surprised me. I mean I know Nicole is awesome at things like shopping & making people laugh on the Simple Life when she isn't busy being the fabulous Socialite that she is...but I never expected her to be such a good writer. What can't this fashionista do? If you're a fan of Nicole or even if you're not this book will prove to be a good read. Buy it, it's worth it.'

Meanwhile, Erin Laporte, gives TTAD 4 out of 5:
‘I just finished reading her book and was totally satisfied with what I read. I bought the book with the intent of reading about fun parties, socialites, extremely wealthy young people, and light entertainment...Nothing heavy!! I am definitely not a huuuuuge Nicole Richie fan (although I like her way more than Paris) but after reading this book, I have more respect for Nicole and am happy that she decided to write this book.’

Step aside Gertrude Stein – literary cubism has a new poster child. As some random chick on a random internet review says, "Buy it!"

What's good about people earning more money than you...

2006-02-11T01:09:00.000+11:00

...is when they say "No, I'll pay for you, I earn way more money than you."

PopGoesCanberra on Popjustice

2006-01-31T22:03:00.000+11:00

PopGoesCanberra is now writing (unofficially) for esteemed music website Popjustice.com.

To be precise, you can see our entries in the A-Z of pop music, so far under K for Kate de Rouge, and Katie Underwood, S for Sydney and G for Gold Coast!

Can you think of anything else we should submit?

Album Review: Infernal "From Paris to Berlin"

2006-01-22T20:57:00.000+11:00

I discovered the song From Paris to Berlin in March last year while listening to Swedish internet radio. Subsequently Radio Metro on the Gold Coast, the best radio station in Australia, picked it up. A few weeks after that Nova 969 in Sydney started playing it after a tip from the public. Central Station Records finally got a hold of it and released it around September/October. It had a decent chart run. The album From Paris to Berlin came out with little fanfare in October/November. I had it on order from JB Hi-Fi in Civic and it was waiting for me for a couple of months before I could pick it up just on Friday. Why the hell did I wait so long. I'm Always Right had told me it was frigging awesome. Why didn't I believe him? This album is awesome. Here's the detailed PopGoesCanberra review!

Cover

Sexy. It appears to be the blonde chick with lots of lipstick on, her lips are so shiny that there is a star shining off the bottom of it. She is kneeling and you can see a bit of a bikini that she is wearing. The hot Danish DJ guy appears to be having sex with her doggie-style and he appears to be enjoying it, as he has a sly smile. Do comment if you think this is not the case.

Booklet

Booklets are very important. They are the reason you pay for an album instead of downloading and burning the tracks. Well our reason anyway. The booklet continues the sexual theme. There's lots of black, neon lights in pretty colours, and sexy sexy pictures. On the first page there's a shot of the hot Danish DJ guy putting his hand around sexy blonde singer chick as though she has just said "be rough with me, I like it like that, boy" in an "our Mary" kind of accent. On the next page is the hot Danish DJ guy showing a bit of chest and looking alarmingly like Andreas from Alcazar and there is are fingers and fingernails on his shoulders, possibly indicating the hot blonde singer chick grabbing him to ask for more (sex, that is). What follow are more sultry pics. There is a very Deborah Harry one where the hot blonde singer chick appears to have used up several tubes of mascara on her eyes. And she also appears to be quite flat chested. Or her boobs are pointing in a funny direction. The centrepiece shot is of a couple of hot guys looking lustfully at a girl kneeling seductively on a stage in frilly white bikini type outfits. The next page is the hot blonde singer chick feeling her tummy. Maybe she wasn't feeling well. Then there's a very Alcazar shot of the hot blonde singer chick looking bored while hot Danish DJ guy has a funny look on his face as though he's looking at a mobile phone, but there's no mobile phone! And he's wearing a hot white suit with a very very nice long green tie. It's kind of a bit like the one on the left, but not really. Much cooler.

The songs!

00 Big ride f*ckers (Intro)

I love intro tracks! tATu did it on Dangerous and Moving to admittedly very little effect, but this is good. No lyrics, so no swearing unfortunately. But there are lots of grunty car noises!

01 From Paris To Berlin

You know how good this song sounds! You know it makes you drive fast! You think of the video which features bikinis, pink and blue motorbikes, computers, and semen! The song itself is the perfect mix of lyrics, of melody, of attitude, of beat, of little cool synthy noises, of "wo-oh", of a "teasing" that sounds like a "seizing". It sounds great loud, or even sounds great soft over your work colleauge's tinny radio in the office that you think they shouldn't really have. And the middle 8 features the famous "ah, ah ah, ah, wo-oh, wo-oh, wo-oh" and then a little guitary bit and more funny noises and a quite little chorus before thumping back into it big-time.

02 I Took A Ride (Fairytale) feat. Adam Powers

Oooh! It's got fairytale and horseriding noises (not like in Belinda Carlisle's horsey track, less obvious than those ones). It's a DUET! A dance duet! It's all about a guy whose got a girl who may or may not have been faithful, people are saying stuff about her! But he enjoyed it anyway. That's why it's a fairytale. He starts off, and then hot blonde singer chick "Lina" comes in: I know sometimes I'm just out there/and I know sometimes I can flirt a bit too much [SLUT!]. She admits it! And then she has the cheek to say It's not up to me/if I'm somebody's fantasy. Ooh and then there's a great bit he sings Don't Lie! And she sings No I won't lie! Amazing!

03 Keen On Disco

Already been played in Australia on 105.7 Radio Metro on the Gold Coast where they know great fun summer dance music. Hot blonde singer chick knows her disco. It pulses. Oooh. And then there's the amazing lyric When you nibble my ear/the bass is softly bumpin' and caressin' my rear/you make me soft n sweet/and you're confusing me with every magic electric beat. SEX!

04 Cheap Trick - The silent movie (Intro)

Infernal are clever. They've got a little bit that sounds like a French cafe, to make you think you're in a French cafe! This is the first of several French touches on the album...

05 Cheap Trick Kinda' Girl Cult of Noise

This is an awesome track. The lyrics are simple. About a cheap trick kinda girl. Whatever that is. But it's pretty bad I think, cos she knows it's a sin. The tune is infectious and they've enlisted some famous accordian player to play the accordian, and it's pretty darn good.

06 Ultimate Control feat. John Rock

Well this is all very dramatic. There is thunder! It's about some kind of psycho guy. This chick you see, gave this guy her heart, her soul, she gave him all to make him whole but it's not enough girl. This song has an awesome little electroey beat. Fuck it's good.
07 Vienna

More European city name-dropping! Aren't you cool?!!! Well you've gotta forgive them, cos it's just perfect. Another night-driving song, cruise around Lake Burley-Griffin with this one playing and you'll feel like you're there, walking the cold winter streets of the Austrian capital. The lyrics remind me of Belinda Carlisle's La Luna: The warmth of your hand and a cold grey sky it fades to the distance. And there is a big exciting bit where you hear nothing to me about a hundred times and then hot blonde singer chick goes OHHHHHHHH VIENNAAAAAAAAA! and you can dance dance dance the night away. And then it goes all pretty at the end.

08 Dressed In Blue

This song is all about sex. Seriously. And is a bit ABBA-ish too. Always a good thing. It's all about sex, and I'm assuming they are naked, but possibly he still has some form of blue garment on. He likes to tie her up: No greater mood/than when I can't move at all/when tied by you/my servitude sets me free. It's about domination! It has haunting little choral bits! And more sexual lyrics!: I know when you cum round i've got to give in/when it glows/and it flows/and your fire breaks through/my every moan is for you. And then the whole song changes completely into the sort of French soccer anthem that silly French people sing at weddings, parties, etc. La la la la in a big chanty sort of way. Love it!

09 Careful With The Boys

Hot blonde singer chick passes on lessons to young females/gay men about their burgeoning sexuality! Ooh ooh gotta be careful with the boys/yeah be careful with the boys/cos they're more than just your toys...didn't your mama teach you that/they'll be coming back.

10 Deeper Still

Think Infernal doing Motorcycle's As the Rush Comes and you've got it. Perfect for a mild summer's night around Canberra's country roads. Has the lines Walls are morphine and feelin' oozy feelin high feeling lighter than a sigh. Great!

11 Bass driven Music

This doesn't have hot blonde singer chick, just some guy saying "bass driven music" a lot.

12 Balagan (Hava nagila) - feat. Uri

This one features a lot of name dropping - Infernal being chanted and then loads of silly French soccer fans singing la la la etc. It's pretty awful really but we at PopGoesCanberra forgive them!

13 Banjo Thing feat. Red$tar

Imagine a Vengaboys track or Steps 5678, with lots of lyrics about motherfuckers sung by a guy with a gruff voice! How rude!

14 Sunday Morning March

I think this is supposed to calm you down after all the excitement. I suppose it does!

VERDICT: You've got to buy this album. Please note that the tracklsting on the Australian album is completely wrong. Bit of a stuffup with the prnting/typesetting/whatever. The CD is fine though.

PopGoesCanberra GoesToTasmania Part 1

2006-01-17T21:48:00.000+11:00

Insular, reclusive, paranoid. Terms used to describe the rogue states of North Korea and Tasmania appear all too frequently in the newspapers these days, conjuring up images of scrawny gymnasts, poor mobile phone reception and sports stadiums full of blue vein cheese samples. As one would expect, the competition between the two states in gourmet food, wood turning and political repression is fierce, with bitter rivalries rising to the surface every year at mass public events. In the case of Pyongyang – Kim Jong-il’s birthday celebrations. In Hobart – the Taste of Tasmania annual summer food and wine festival. This summer, Pop Goes Canberra ventures deep into the axis of evil to investigate this breath-taking phenomenon. The result? A heart-warming insight into the lives of ordinary Tasmanian citizens, struggling to survive in this former prison colony turned nanny-goat state. In this sensational posting, PGC will reveal how these stoic, southerly people are standing proud and resolute as Supre continues its invasion into their remote penal outpost, tightening its vice-like grip on the vulnerable inhabitants as we speak.

A Tasmanian woman clad in Supre combines military drill training with seaside activities, goose-stepping across the beach at a popular coastal resort. Until recently, national security experts at ANU believed that the prevalence of camouflage prints and khaki shades among Supre’s ‘southern summer range’ was a reliable gauge of Tasmania’s military aspirations. PGC can now reveal that the emphasis on blacks, corals and board shorts points to a new era of amphibious warfare.

The first evidence of Tasmania’s extreme isolationist policies came almost immediately as PGC emerged from Hobart airport, exhausted from relentless interrogation by intelligence officers who demanded to know if we had any fruit or vegetables we wished to dispose of before proceeding to the baggage collection area. Luckily, PGC had been warned in advance that such a request might be made, and had secreted a large stash of prunes in our boogie board bag before leaving Canberra. Such is the jealous fervour with which Tasmania guards its agrarian economy, it frequently rejects offers of international aid under the flimsy excuse of ‘quarantine.’

Border security - Tasmanian style. An expertly trained sniffer-Devil causes PGC angst at Hobart airport, lingering over our photographic equipment until a bribe of a free Qantas headset is offered to his handler. Then, in an amusing display of playfulness, the sniffer-Devil poses for a photograph with PGC. We understand that the devil was arrested shortly afterwards for fraternising with imperialist invaders and emulating Inspector Rex. His fate is unknown.

Criticised by many as an ostentatious display of culinary might designed to intimidate foreign visitors, the Taste of Tasmania showcases the finest tidbits of this quaint agrarian culture every year in a large barnyard situated in the demilitarised zone near the city centre. Peasants, workers and intellectuals mingle freely as they queue up to receive their rations of shitake mushroom pizza, Thai-crusted scallops and raspberry brulee. PGC was not to be fooled, however, by the rustic charm of the maritime setting, nor the unseasonally fine weather. As temperatures soared towards a searing 16°C, PGC’s attention was drawn to the ominous signs of political repression, demonstrated most poignantly by signs announcing the state-wide prohibition on slouching.

In a typical example of over-zealous state control on posture, signs prohibiting leaning against wooden structures appear throughout the festival venue. When PGC approached this Hobart local for comment, she refused to respond. PGC later learned that this woman was aged 25.

It is entirely possible that this woman had only recently been released from one of the many prison farms dotted throughout the country-side. Readers will not be surprised to learn that it has suspected for decades that political dissent is controlled in Tasmania by deporting suspected dissidents to rural locations for agrarian re-education. As PGC discovered, religious advocates, disgraced former athletes and disaffected journalists are more than likely responsible for producing some of the state’s most celebrated wines, compotes and soft cheeses.

PGC snatches a rare glimpse of a Tasmanian labour camp, where a middle aged man - a former university professor perhaps - places his life in danger by toiling diligently beneath a known ozone hole.

Those accused of more serious crimes against the state share a more ominous fate: forced participation in an alternative lifestyle retreat. Here, citizens suspected of posing an immediate threat to the leadership are isolated and purged of their ‘disloyalties’ in a controlled setting.

Information from Tasmanians who have managed to escape to the mainland after release from such institutions say inmates are subjected to punishing meditation regimes, exposed to dangerous auras and used as guinea pigs in controversial medical experiments involving kinesiology and interpretive dance.

Despite the ever present risk of arrest for leaning in a public place, Tasmanians continue to converge in their thousands on their capital city each year in a desperate attempt to impress their remote, laconic leader. PGC is unable to speculate why this is so. Brainwashing, say some analysts. Other commentators point to the ever present threat of deportation to a Crystals and Rainbows or, alternately, compulsory participation in ghost tours of Port Arthur.

The more likely answer, as far as PGC is concerned, is the tremendous charisma radiated by the Great Leader, Premier Paul Lennon, and his ability to mobilise vast sectors of the population with his boyish good looks and magnetic, paternal gaze.

Cult of the personality
Billboards depicting grainy images of Premier Lennon, or the Great Leader as he is affectionately known by Tasmanians, adorned the roads leading from the airport into Hobart and featured prominently at sea passenger terminals in Burnie and Devonport. PGC understands that the giant red placards, which do not name Premier Lennon, but feature a "washout" image of his face looking dark and somewhat menacing, must be removed in the event that permission for their use is withdrawn by the Great Leader, under the strict rules of the Hare-Clark electoral system.

Great Leader - The Hon Paul Lennon MHA was sworn in as Tasmania’s 42nd Premier on 21 March 2004. Premier Lennon, feared and admired by his constituents, marks his birthday every year by a state-wide holiday: an event for which Tasmanians commence preparing up to 12 months in advance.

Famine

The Great Leader’s stubborn insistence on the policy of ‘self-reliance’ is hindering attempts to diversify and develop the economy. Residents in rural areas are the most likely to suffer from food shortages due to bizarre agricultural policies during the 1990s that led to an over-reliance on gourmet foodstuffs, craft and pottery. ‘There’s only so much marinated feta and Anvers fudge your body can handle,’ PGC was told by a peasant labourer from the state’s southern provinces, who did not wish to be named. ‘After a while, you become so desperate you’ll consider eating almost anything just to get some variety into your diet.’ An Amnesty International spokesperson reported that this was a familiar scenario: ‘There are rumours of people in the remote southern highlands resorting to eating quince paste on plain water crackers. Our sources say that supplies of poppy seeds in the area are almost completely exhausted – although the government refuses to confirm or deny this.’ PGC was disturbed to learn that the food security situation is set to worsen over the coming winter. According to aid agencies and human rights advocates, production targets of staple food items such as leatherwood honey, truffles and smoked salmon are set to plummet despite desperate pleas by farmers for government assistance.

Pitiful offerings of aged Gewurztraminer and Pinot Gris characterise the typical Tasmanian diet, which WHO officials believe may be placing the population at risk of malnutrition.

Although PGC had braced ourselves for evidence of starvation, nothing could have prepared us for the scenes of depravity in the garment and footwear industries. The more squeamish among you should be warned that the following image contains signs of animal cruelty:

Young Tasmanian women resort to poaching Tasmanian tigers and fashioning primitive footwear out of their skins.

It would be all too easy to cast judgment on the citizens of Tasmania for their deplorable behaviour (although it would answer a few questions about the cause of the tiger’s extinction) and PGC resisted the temptation. After all, similar tales of wardrobe scavenging are common among reports by human rights activists and expatriates living abroad in exile. Harsh restrictions on fashion retailing triggered a resurgence in handicraft during the arduous march of the 1990s. But this trend appears to have been replaced by an even more sinister form of repression: Supre. Throughout the farthest reaches of this tiny island State, PGC found disturbing evidence of gratuitous accessorising, tasteless flounce and shameless short-shorts (apparently, a response to fabric rationing). A harmless coincidence? Or chilling example of totalitarian conformity?

Members of Hobart’s gilded youth bask in the sunshine, blissfully unaware of the autocratic power structure dictating their wardrobe options.

But the decaying grandeur of this orbiting satellite state was not lost of PGC – although the standard of accommodation was slightly below what we are accustomed to in Canberra. Nevertheless, after a few days in Hobart, PGC began to be seduced by the thin veneer of egalitarian bliss coating the state’s fine architecture: a dim reminder of the cradle-to-grave security so familiar to us as long-time residents of Canberra.

While the paranoid state claims to support freedom of association, membership of state-sanctioned organisations is widely regarded as essential for political and personal advancement.

As PGC edged further and further away from the city centre, opportunities to observe citizens in a less contrived environment became increasingly frequent. PGC visited a typical bookshop in the northern part of the capital. Here, we found jittery Hobartians perusing the shelves, desperate to gather any scraps of information about the outside world that may have escaped the attention of the censors.

In a typical nervous gesture, our subject wears dark glasses to evade recognition by neighbours, children and other informants as he scans the titles on offer, lending credence to the popular saying that in the book shops of Hobart, even the walls have hidden cameras.

Geopolitical Tensions

According to PGC’s sources, security analysts aver that the biggest test of Melbourne-Hobart realpolitik in 2006 may be airport and maritime security in the northern seaports of Burnie and Devonport, as Victoria attempts to stem the illegal migration of Tasmanians to mainland Australia. Official government documents – suppressed until now – describe the increasingly desperate tactics used by asylum seekers to reach Victorian territorial waters and recommend that security be increased at all northern points of international departure.
A father and son make a frantic dash for freedom in a hastily assembled catamaran, ill-suited to the choppy conditions of Bass Strait. Dreams of a better life in Victoria spur thousands of Tasmanians to attempt this method of escape every year - few survive the crossing. Analysts from mainland think-tanks suspect that the Sydney to Hobart yacht race has inspired many locals to undertake the perilous journey.

The heavily guarded seaport of Bridport is just one such example of the regime’s determination to fortify the passenger terminal and prevent the flow of would-be defectors across the maritime border. PGC was denied access to the interior of this austere military installation and was asked to leave the area shortly after this photograph was taken.

PopGoesCanberraGoesToTasmania...

2006-01-02T12:53:00.000+11:00

...is coming up!

Both entities that make up PopGoesCanberra (including former guest writer ROBYN!) are doing the tour of Tassie's beaches this summer, and we will bring you all the action...

Where are the beaches better? Canberra or Tasmania? I predict a shoe-in from Tassie.

Where are the bogans better? Could be a tight one. Could be another winner from Tassie. Numerous visits to Northgate Glenorchy Shopping Centre and K-Mart in Launceston will be required. So far the award goes to the young Dad getting out of his car with two cigarettes in his mouth ready to hand one to his lady who was holding one of her babies under her arm.

Kiss the Giss 2006 Demo Song

2005-12-10T22:59:00.000+11:00

A demo version of Laura Gissara feat. Bomfunk MCs, Shirley Clamp and Enya "Down Under (The Aussie World Cup Song 2006)" has been produced.

I encourage you all to download and have a listen by clicking here.

Take note of the Finnish, Swedish, Australian, French and Gaelic influences. Now all it needs is that Italian Giss touch and sparkling production from Chanel, Tiffani and In-Grid's Bega Valley Studios (BVS).

What's Hot and What's Not: December 2005

2005-12-10T14:21:00.001+11:00

What's Hot
1. Fyshwick Markets - Get Fresh!

The best place to shop in Canberra. Huge variety of people wandering around hot and sweaty looking for great meat, fish, cheese, fruit and vegies at great prices...and FINDING THEM! Yay for them! Asparagus for 99c a bunch...avocados 99c each...Russian garlic (blessed by tATu perhaps?) for $2.99 a bag...99c/kg for fresh Fuji apples...$2.99 for 700g Free Range Eggs...29c/kg for watermelon...$39.90/kg Morbier cheese...2 BBQ chooks for $9.99...it's brilliant! And that's not even mentioning the seller men who shout at you things about mangoes and peaches and bananas and have funny "rhymes" like "lovely lovely... lovely...mangoes.... wanna try a mango...madam?...madam...na na na na na banana!" How cheery! Why go to Coles Manuka and get that ice maiden 15yo kid service when you get actual friendly 15yo kids and Asian women who know their vegies!

2. Warm weather

Don't go!

3. Madonna "Hung up"

Face it, it's brilliant. I'm not hearing it enough though around Canberra. More please! Still a James Blunt overdose here...

What's Not

1. Action Buses

You'd think I would have learned my lesson yeah? No. The other day I got a lift in to work and thought I might take the bus home. Surely I would be sitting amongst a normal crowd of people and not struck by some smelly man? Not on your life.

I sit down on the one empty seat and I'm opposite this man who sells pictures around the city...harmless enough, but going on and on about something or other using the word "domination" a lot. No idea why.

The smell on this bus, honestly, it was like teenage girl BO mixed with their cheapy Impulse deodorant or whatever it is they use these days mixed with mandarin peel mixed with cigarette smoke mixed with unwashed bums on seats x 10 years. Not hot!

2. Horrible corporate entities buying your gym

Imagine this...you're bending over swilling water from the water fountain during your workout when you realise (on reading the notice placed next to the fountain) that your quality independent classy $800 a year gym has just been taken over by a horrible "chain" gym and that "nothing will change!" Nothing! Yeah right! You are going to have to pay to get a professional program done, previously free. Oh but wait, they will have complimentary DVD hire! You join a gym, to go to the gym, and get fit, yet they won't give you complimentary/included instruction on how to get fit, but they will give you a DVD to take home and watch. That's very sensible. The next day I'm on the gym floor and this guy walks in, he looks like a cross between a sleazy hotel concierge and a sleazy Cash Converters worker. Wearing all black. Long sleeved black shirt, in the gym. With then name of the gym chain in its girly branded glory on the back collar. How ridiculous. No more nice casual, sporty t-shirts. Just icky icky uniforms! And you know what, apparently they are going to install turnstiles! Lack of trust galore! And you know what, they've already put complaints forms on the counter, permanently. Like they are expecting complaints! Well you know what, they're gonna get some from PopGoesCanberra!

More Kiss the Giss 2006 updates coming soon

2005-11-29T21:56:00.000+11:00

...including details of the promotional campaign for the song! You'll be able to set your VCRs (how quaint) several months in advance!

Also coming: Bar Review: The Julep Lounge, Car Parks Review: Civic, Woden, Belconnen, Linda Bengtzing hits Canberra.

This is going to be WORLDWIDE

2005-11-27T19:07:00.000+11:00

Numerous numerous numerous and MANY blogs around Australia are now supporting Kiss the Giss 2006. Of course there is the original, CFBGoesPop, but there's also:

Ausculture
Fop
I'm Always Right

Australian World Cup 2006 Song nomination launched!

2005-11-20T11:54:00.000+11:00

Thanks to CFBGoesPop's foresight in starting up the bandwagon, and Fop's jumping on the bandwagon, PopGoesCanberra is now running desperately behind the bandwagon, trying to catch up.

And in what a way!

PopGoesCanberra has formulated the winning combination (kicked the winning goal, etc., etc.) for the ideal Australian World Cup 2006 song. In PopGoesCanberra's opinion, the best two soccer-"themed" songs have been Bomfunk MCs feat. Jessica Folker I Know There's Something Going On (yes, the chorus covers Frida from ABBA's amazing solo track produced by Phil Collins) and Shirley Clamp's (We Will Be) Champions (featuring the lyrics "Yellow and blue/just like the sun in heaven/the magic eleven)

Therefore, the "ideal" Australian pop song, as suggested by Alyson from CFBGoesPop, is "Land Down Under." But not some boring cover. No. This will be an AMAZING super cover.

The official, full title wil be "Bomfunk MCs featuring Laura Gissara and Shirley Clamp with Special Guest Enya, Land Down Under (The Aussie World Cup Song)"

It's a mouthful, but necessary.

The Bomfunks, Shirley and Enya will fly Lauda Air to Sydney and then take Murrays Coaches to Bega. Laura will travel to Bega by Limousine. They will record at Tiffani, Chanel and In-Grid's Bega Valley Studios (BVS) at a discounted rate ($100 000 per day), which will provide the ideal collaborative musical environment in a pleasant Australian bush setting.

The lyrics are yet to be completely formulated, but the basic structure will be as such:

[Bomfunk MCs do total rehashed "world game" Finnish version of the Men at Work Classic - Verse 1]

You know yeah
We're travelling
Speed of light
Woh
Kombi head full of zombie
Aaah!
I met a strange lady
She kicked a ball
I said is that all
And she said

[Laura and Shirley - Chorus]

Do you come from a land down under
Where women glow and men plunder
Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder
You better run, you better take cover
That green and gold
Just like the wattle on the trees
The Aussies are the bees' knees

[Bomfunk MCs - Verse 2]

[Laura and Shirley - Verse 3]

[Bomfunk MCs - Middle 8]

[Laura and Shirley - various "wo oh" noises to indicate up-coming drama]

[Enya - Breakdown - second Middle 8 - mixture of French and Gaelic - Enya critical ingredient with big beats and strings arranged by Richard Carpenter, guitar by Sting, Sinead O'Connor is OK alternative if Enya unavailable. This came to PopGoesCanberra while doing Sun Salutations at Les Mills BodyBalance]

[Laura, Shirley and Enya- Chorus x 3, two key changes and clean finish, plus jingly chimes in the wind to fade out]

Please get behind this song idea. It's the ideal world game song, at it's heart it's Australian, but features Swedish, Finnish, Celtic, Italian, French and American influences. It will be perfect and will outsell Shannon and Anthony COMBINED. The video will feature Sydney nightclub scenes, Sydney Harbour shots, Western Suburbs Tyre Yard scenes, Uluru, and interspliced with shots of the Australia vs Uruguay game from Wednesday night.

I've got two things to say to you....

2005-10-31T20:43:00.000+11:00

Mary Bryant

1. There was an awful lot of sex in 1788, wasn't there...

Australian Idol

2. Skip the show, read the blog, it's much more entertaining.

Spring 2005: What's Hot and What's Not

2005-10-30T16:34:00.000+11:00

What's Hot

Cocktail parties with ample supplies of lemon, lime, vodka, peach schnapps, soda water, midori, fun people who just wanna dance and drink and make conversation that isn't about work, blue cheese, quince paste, pink lights, potato salad, choolate dipped strawberries, pistachio nuts, comfy couches and decent music!
Saying "fuckin' wanker" in an Irish accent
BioZet washing powder. It smells so fresh.
Bhutan, Croatian Coastline, Tasmanian beaches
September (the Swedish pop singer, not the month)
tATu - again
Fyshwick Fresh Food Markets - great atmosphere, good looking people, good looking fruit and veg, good prices, all in Australia's porn capital! It can't GET better!
Green grass and grass clippings

What's Not

Spiders that bite you in the middle of the night on not just one but two toes and make them hurt and itch all day. Canberra spiders. The face of evil in an arachnid.
Knightsbridge, Braddon - great furnishings etc, and free wine tasting once a month - great idea but pity the wine is pretty crap and the people serving it scowl at you when you actually want to taste some but not buy any due to the fact it's crap
Non-stop rain
Closed car parks that mean you have to walk a kilometre to get to work if you don't want to pay $7 for parking
Australian Idol - who the hell came up with the idea that they are the best contestants ever? What a load of crap. I feel nothing for them. Vacuous is the word!
Coles Supermarkets - no thank you Lisa McCune.

Sunday Afternoon

2005-10-09T16:22:00.000+10:00

What awful weather. Bloody cold. Canberra, bring on summer, please. Hurry up. Leaves and flowers etc are here. Please match with warm temperatures. This is starting to get me down. Real sit inside and listen to White Lillies Island and Counting Down the Days weather. I even went as far as listening to most of Delta's Innocent Eyes. I must admit, I really do like Delta. Born to Try is absolute rubbish, but Innocent Eyes, Not Me Not I and Lost Without You all added the requisite element of drama to Gold Coast radio just when it needed it. All The Things She Said, Bring Me to Life and Lost Without You really all came along one after the other and it was rather good really. The only problem with Delta is she's not Swedish. And it is very uncool to like her. Even in pop-liking circles.

Canberra Summer Fashion Review : the latest TV wear

2005-10-05T21:30:00.000+10:00

PopGoesCanberra's roving reporter Robyn has caught up with the latest in fashion trends for you, our cherished reader...

Like every other young Canberran with an eye for fashion, I certainly wasted no time getting down to my local Kmart store as soon as I heard the latest collection from ‘Home and Away’ had been released. And this exciting range of ready-to-wear Diamontee Hoodies and Sunset Tanks has kept me on my toes ever since. With confusing names like ‘Denim Surf’ and ‘Active Sun,’ these zany outfits have brought me no end of glee: on weeknights as I mince down London Circuit to join the queue outside Mooseheads - and, on weekends, all the sun damage I can handle.

Diamontee Hoodie
· Set a trend in this cute hoodie, casual with a hint of shine. Also available in pink.
· 100% cotton french terry.
· Shown here: Dusty egg combo with turquoise print and pale blue diamontees.

Mini Terry
· Cute and comfy, this terry skirt is perfect over bathers. Also available in white.

· Urban Mini
· This chic mini is a wardrobe essential this season. Also available in pink.

But the good news is that there’s another collection in the pipeline! Heavily influenced by Bec Cartwright’s ground-breaking take on teenage maternity wear, industry insiders anticipate an emphasis on bump-concealing peasant tops, the aptly named Love Surf Hoodie, and heavily fortified support hose. But if you thought Summer Bay had exhausted the fashion potential of strappy singlets, ethnic style sandals and undersized polos, then think again. Because the word from Milan Fashion Week is that this intriguing prêt-a-porter range is set to expand for European summer 06 to include not only a selection of men’s boat shoes and slides, but also a controversial ‘ageing Australia’ wardrobe.

Indeed, stew no more over stocking fillers for Dad this Christmas: the Alf Stewart range is coming to a Kmart near you. Complete with cream coloured slacks, special edition SES uniforms and crisp, sensible shirts, your middle-aged male relatives will never crave for style again. Rumour has it that the designers even plan to release a limited edition range of home-wares for the man about the Bay. Playfully dubbed ‘flamin heck!’ this premier collection will transform your uncle’s study into the Surf Club in no time once it’s crammed full with cheap wicker furniture, sun and moon cushions and mismatched bar stools.

If Georgie Parker’s demure range of sleepwear and undergarments (‘Georgie’) were too hot to keep under wraps last year, try to imagine the industry fervour surrounding the neatly pressed chinos and shaker knit jumpers expected to grace the catwalks when David Suzuki’s ‘The Nature of Things’ finally goes live with its much
anticipated ‘David’ collection. And stubbies, blundstones and sensible socks are set for a come-back with the ‘Bush Tucker Man’ series, due for release early next year. Grey nomads of Australia, get your shopping bags ready!

But why stop there? Mature ladies will be champing at the bit to get into this fun range of pant-suits when the ‘Murder She Wrote’ collection hits our stores later this season. Our country cousins aren’t forgotten either: ABC’s ‘Landline’ plans to release a sultry range of RM Williams and slinky Akubras in time for the Christmas rush. And rumour has it that the producers of ‘Compass’ are gearing up for a solid dose of retail therapy following the launch of a new fragrance by Geraldine Doogue, expected in time for the Spring Racing Carnival.

Down the road at SBS, producers and wardrobe personnel are deep in brainstorming mode, leaping onto the bandwagon with a playful twist on personal care in the ‘George Negus’ range of grooming accessories. Meanwhile, ‘Storyline Australia’ and ‘World News Tonight’ are expected to follow suit in early December with a series of tightly fitting chokers, asphyxiating jackets and ‘fair trade’
cosmetics designed to produce the most dramatic, assymetrical hair styles to grace the family Christmas dinner table.

Talking points indeed! My only regret is that Ailsa and Roo are no longer around to mix some true blue Aussie style into the Summer Bay fashion palate. Now there’s a couple of ladies who knew how to dress.

Long Weekend

2005-10-03T20:58:00.000+10:00

Why Canberra is great:

It's only 90 minutes from this beautiful place!

Why Canberra is shit:

90 minutes is still too far from the beautiful Eurobodalla Coast and its country charm.

Chalk ‘n Cheese – the saga continues

2005-09-05T16:38:00.000+10:00

PopGoesCanberra's professional photographer, Robyn, recently visited the nether regions of the Australian Capital Territory and surrounds with companion, Eugene...

Continuing on from the Woden Food Court, to the Deep Space Tracking Station, I felt like a small Siberian husky strapped into a satellite hurtling through the outer reaches of the universe, to a galaxy far, far away. But Tidbinbilla’s no place for a space traveler on empty stomach, so I was glad I’d packed the Pal chunks in jelly dog food, just to keep me going. Didn’t look much different to the stuff they feed the astronauts anyway.

It was a bit naïve, I suppose, to actually think that they’d let me have a seat at the console and a twiddle of the equipment. But hey, I’ve got a steady hand, I could be trusted with Voyager for a day – or even Mars Express. No such luck. This is about as close as you get to the action(Below).

One lap of the visitor’s centre later, and I was glad to see that even astronauts take group photos of themselves before they head off in their rockets. Pity there’s no Japanese astronauts amongst the group, sticking their fingers up in a ‘V’ behind each other’s helmets.

(Above)The final twelve: Australia, you decide who gets to come back

But even more intriguing was the glass case display of outfits worn by previous astronauts whilst gadding about in the outer reaches. Fortunately, there seems to be a dedicated wardrobe team on hand, so that everyone’s looking their best when the count-down’s over and it’s finally time for blast off.

It was also pleasing to find that the modern lady astronaut never lets her hair and make-up slip when she’s on a mission.

Getting from to know each other in the interplanetary sense is never a problem for these young bucks, as they cruise from first base to third in their convertible moon buggies.

Home renovations are high on every astronaut’s ‘to-do’ list: I bet Noni and the team from Better Homes & Gardens would have a fit if they saw the mess the Apollo team had made with their cladding (Below right).

And after a hard day rounding up all the chimps, mice and guinea pigs blasted off into space by well-meaning NASA scientists over the years, there’s always time to put up a flag or two.

If all this makes you hungry, just remember, they can pack more food into that café than you’d need to last you all the way from Earth to Mir.

But gaze at those dishes for long enough, and you’ll start to think about filling them with a family size paella. They must get good reception out there, too. I dare say you could pick up Triple MMM with that antenna.

After surveying this troubling scene, all I can say is: watch out stray space dogs of Canberra! Get yourself a licence and a muzzle or you’ll be bundled into a rocket and blasted off from Tidbinbilla. The scientists are getting ready for you as we speak, sewing tiny space suits and freeze-drying the meaty bites.

On the other hand, if you’re already bunkering down for the holocaust, and country driving’s more your thing (or you’re just sick and tired of being drag-raced up Mort street when all you’re trying to do is find a Caltex open on a Thursday night) then get along to the social whirl of down-town Gundaroo.

University entrance score not high enough? Not to worry, the Gundarro public library and literary institute is still taking enrolments for second semester.

While all you ANU graduates may scoff, and think the campus has seen better days, I think this particular state of the art facility should be enough to convince you that Canberra may not be all it’s cracked up to be over the summer, and that you should definitely relocate to the Yass valley to further your life education.

Dogs and all other ex-space-shuttle animals, please bring a plate.
See your careers counselor today!

Woden, the Evil Temptress

2005-09-05T15:53:00.000+10:00

"How can I resist you?" ABBA said in their hit Mamma Mia. And in relation to Woden Plaza Shopping Centre, I can DEFINITELY give an answer to their question. "By thinking about how bloody awful you are. By thinking about my most recent Woden experience...."

Downtown Manuka has a distinct lack of Woolworths supermarkets. You see there is a Coles in Manuka, and Coles have really dodgy fresh produce. So I thought, how about I head down to Woden to the Woolworths there? I avoided the Woolworths at Dickson due to numerous horrible Dickson experiences.

The drive to Woden took longer than expected. It's a bloody long way. And Tuggeranong is even further than Woden. Imagine how long it would take to get there! [Left: A young woman stranded in Woden frantically re-enacts the new tATU video. "Help get me out of here!"]

I proceeded to park in the Car Park, indicated by a "P" sign. What a delight, I didn't have to pay! My excitement was soon reduced as I was informed by a woman escaping the Plaza that I should have driven around the other side of the Plaza, and that walking to Woolworths from where I had parked was a "shit way to go."

She was right. I had to cross the [lack of] ACTION bus interchange, where the infamous no. 38 bus starts its run towards Narrabundah College and beyond. I made speed to avoid run-ins with the sorts of people who take buses in Canberra. I reached the entrance of the plaza and was struck by a blast of hot air from one of those awful "air curtain" machines, as though I was literally walking into Southern Canberra Hell. [ABOVE: Irene from Home and Away spotted in Woden Plaza]

I made my way past closed up shops, their barriers down. Distantly I could see "da boiz" in the mobile phone shop having a little after work bonding session, and a lone Flight Centre woman slaving away trying to organise some helpless person's tour around Europe. Finally I reached Woolworths.

The aim of my trip to Woolworths was to buy some salmon. It was on special, you see. The "boy" who was, literally, a boy, came and served me. I said "I'd like a nice piece of salmon." He said "which one?" I said "you pick one, you're the expert." He said "I don't eat fish." [ABOVE: Customers at JB Hi-Fi Woden inspect the selection of car stereos on offer]

Grrrr. I hate these situations. He works serving fish all day and he doesn't eat fish. He said it was because he went to boarding school. Tough titties, or floppy fish, I don't care. It's like going to a bottle shop and the silly chick there doesn't drink wine. Fuck off!

I picked my own piece. My next move was to try to find a catalogue, as you do, to pick up anything else that was on special. Bad move. There was not a catalogue to be found in the store. I asked the chirpy Asian girl at the cigarette counter, who then put an older bloke and a bosomous short woman on to the case of finding me a catalogue. Ten minutes later, a lone catalogue was found from that infamous place, "out the back."

I proceeded to buy some pasta sauce. Done! Next, some mince to go with the pasta sauce. It was on special too :) But no, it wasn't to be. The premium beef mince that I wanted was not present in the fridge. I enquired. Tough titties again they said! Missing mince more like it! [ABOVE: Stunning selection of music on offer in Woden]

I was fuming. I stormed out of Woden Plaza, fearing that they may have locked me in. I'll be darned it, they had. I went out the "Emergency Exit Only" door. It was an emergency. I had to get out of that granite-floored, donut-king, K-Mart clothing smelling megalith. I zoomed out of the car-park towards my lakeside sanctuary, swearing never to return. My choice of car music was appropriate, Alizee's J'en ai marre.

"All Wodened Out" (Restaurant Review: Woden Plaza Food Court)

2005-08-09T21:40:00.000+10:00

Our special guest writer, Robyn, has been made permanent! To celebrate this exciting occasion, the talented photographer/journalist headed down to Woden Plaza to partake of the famed southern Canberra cuisine.

The first rays of spring-like sunshine penetrated the backyard last Saturday, and my hunger pangs were chiming with an intensity I had not known before. As it was such a beautiful day, we decided to DINE OUT at Woden plaza!

Less than twenty minutes later we descended into the valley, which seemed to be bathed in a ghostly shimmer, and I was immediately struck how the delicate winter hues of the Woden countryside shaded delicately into the village style architecture of the town centre – or ‘plaza.’

As the strains of piped music (a folk-song that I was unable to detect the origins of, except that it seemed to be inspired by the theme to EStreet) ushered us from the multi-level carpark and into the foreground of the dining area, I began to sense some trepidation from my dining companion. With interior design values reminiscent of the highly acclaimed VLine/Countrylink school of waiting room design, the entrance to the Food Court dazzled with its heady mix of fluorescent lighting and bustling ambience.

Narrowly dodging a three-tier toddler carriage device, my dining companion headed directly to the nearest branch of his favourite bank, while I surveyed the scene before me. Waiting to be seated took some time, so I allowed myself the indulgence of lingering by the bain marie at the curry corner, anxious to discover some of the chef’s spice-laden secrets.

Indeed, the culinary history of Woden valley is a finely chequered one, with regional styles expressing themselves in variations on traditional dishes, such as the ‘wrap’ and the ‘supersize.’ Modes of presentation also differ between postcodes, as my dining companion discovered after requesting the the ‘junior size’ lasagna, only to find the minimalist tableware (hastily selected at the beginning of the queue) unable to support the dish’s heavy meat content. Equally disappointing were the Bauhaus style cutlery dispensers, inappropriately placed next to ‘Sizzle Bento.’ A more suitable method of condiment display, I felt, could be found in many modern venues around Canberra:

Skipping the entrée sized chicken nuggets preferred by diners slavishly adhering to the a la carte menu at Kingsley’s, I pursued the main course first, opting for a mid-size Bento box with petals of shaved ginger and rosette of Wasabi. This dish was nicely complemented by the delicate ‘Wild Berry’ coloured Slush Puppy, which I selected after a lengthy decision making process, accompanied by some gentle prodding from the maître d'.

For dessert, we decided to sample the exquisite patisserie items from KFC’s exciting new range of Sara Lee cheesecakes and, while the dining experience was enhanced by a delightful al fresco setting with views across the car park, I still wonder whether the Chocolate Bavarian flavour coupled with no-name lemonade beverage was ultimately too subtle for the common palate.

As with all fine dining experiences, the hosts were able to infuse the Food Court with an ambience of relaxed sophistication. The presence of Irene from Home and Away, diligently filling orders at a nearby tobacconist, certainly impressed upon me (if I needed any further convincing) that it IS possible to marry Oriental chic with quaint Summer Bay charm – not least, in Woden valley. All things considered, I give the Woden Food Court minus two and a half Michelin stars. My dining companion quibbled with the half star rating on the way back to the car park – but, as I told him (quietly, once we were in the car), the assault on the collective senses occasioned by the experimental lighting display near the entrance warranted nothing less.

[Editor's note: Many more wonderful photographs were taken on this jaunt. Stay tuned for "The Secret Life of JB Hi-Fi" and "Woden Folk feat. Geri Halliwell and Lynne McGregor (Supre's Newsagency Mix)"]

Russian lesbians set to hit Canberra once more!

2005-08-04T19:47:00.000+10:00

Fake Russian lesbians will rule the world once more. And, Canberra being a significant part of the world means that tATu will ("will" meaning highly unlikely that they will, but in an ideal world will) be hitting the Canberra Theatre on 1 December 2005. They will perform an epic showcase concert complete with miming and live sequences, Richard Carpenter will guest on guitar and Trevor Horn will be driving them around. Canberra teens will riot otside the Park Hyatt Canberra while Julia and Lena pretend to have sex and break stuff inside. It will be momentous.

The song itself is All About Us. I have obtained a 30 second clip that is supposedly what the Japanese management released as a mobile ring tone. It sounds amazing WITHOUT bass. What will it be like WITH bass? It sounds like All The Things She Said mixed with a touch of ABBA and a pinch of Sugababes.

ANALYSIS: Swedes very apologetic:

2005-08-02T14:39:00.000+10:00

Is it possible that Swedish songwriters are over-apologetic? Do they apologise more than their fare share? Do they have reason to apologise so much?

Swedes make unquestionably the greatest pop music to grace the latter period of the 20th century and continue to do so today. What do they have to apologise for? Making the rest of the planet feel bad for not being as good at them at it?

Da Buzz and the A*Teens are a couple of the most apologetic groups to stem from Sweden. An analysis of their most lyrically regretful tracks follow:

Da Buzz Sorry Baby

This track was passed on to PopGoesCanberrra by the amazing Fop. It starts with a very sorry "ha-ah aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh." Definitely the kind of self-condemantory noise one makes when they are sorry. A truly shamefacedly brilliant into follows with a soft "sorry sorry" becoming a huge wall-of-sound style "SORRY BABY!", setting the theme for the rest of the track.

The lovely blonde from Da Buzz, we learn, is "lying flat out on my bed" as she ponders how very heavyhearted she feels about the whole situation. She's "thinking about the things" she said. Apparently she went "this time too far." It's all about the usual Swedish misunderstandings, trying to rush things, etc, etc. The chorus arrives with a wollomph of a "SORRY BABY!" She's said some things she didn't mean and it seems that this guy's heart is broken. Snapped in two, perhaps! Oh dear.

It all continues like that right up until the very Da Buzz middle 8 where she asks the guy to forgive her, followed by the computerisedy voices of the Dz Buzz boys. When you hear them, you know things are very serious.

It all ends with a big "SORRY BABY!" How much can one really apologise! All this is a bit too direct, one could criticise, and doesn't really explain why she is sorry, where is she coming from. For that reason, Sorry Baby must come a close second to another track....

A-Teens For All That I Am

Pure guilt-ridden brilliance, but with crystal-clear shades of over-wrought "it's going to be OK" happiness. Add in what sounds like a Swedish Christmas Gay Gospel Choir, a key-change, Britney "Stronger"/"Lucky" style middle-8/chorus bit, and you have an amazingly apologetic pop track.

It all starts off with a few casual crisp "sorry, made you feel sorry"s. But then the story telling starts. You picture the evil A-Teens coming home late to the Swedish summer house. The grumptious mother is standing there in her dressing gown, wondering, do my South American pop scene conquering teenagers really love me? Should I really love them she says? Should I only love the money-making booty shaking bits, or the should I love ALL OF THEM? Even the coming home "bugged me" bits? So really, this song is coming from two points of view, not just the A-Teens' aspect, but the parents'!!!!!!

It gets dramatic. It really does. I'm getting shivers just writing this. It has pretty "I know" and "that I love you" chiming in bits....but that's just the start! There are woooshy bits in the middle of the second verse. You can feel the frustration of the miscommunication that takes place in pubescent Sweden!!!! "What I'm trying to say!" She's trying to say it, but is it getting across? That is the question. Then the pretty, regretful, "deep down" bit, then then the "heat comes down" - this is getting serious. What kind of heat do they experience in Sweden? Climate-wise, nothing severe. This is emotional heat. The A-Teens' parents will be there for them. But these kids feel sooo bad about the way they've treated them, that they are willing to say sorry! And to ASK the parents to continue loving them! Isn't that WONDERFUL??? You won't hear that going on in Ricki-Lee's "Hell No." It's all hate. Hate hate hate.

It doesn't stop there. No. More cheesy sad guitar, some "oooooh-oooh--ooooh " and the choir comes in! A nerve-shimmering "Sorry! Made you feel sorry!" and a repeat of the chorus till the end. It's truly inspirational. The kids voices only just make it. This is desperation. And that's the end. We don't KNOW what happens! The kids grow up into well adjusted adults with their New Arrival, etc, so we can assume that their family lives managed to cope with this drama.

Anyway, the point is, these two "Sorry" tracks are great examples of Swedish apologeticness and there really is never too much apologising in this world.

Canberra's Cock(ington) is Green says Robyn

2005-07-15T21:59:00.000+10:00

PopGoesCanberra for the first time welcomes guest writer. She's a full-time servant of the Public, and part-time Swedish Robyn of "Be Mine" and "Show Me Love" fame impersonator.

Oompa Loompa, Oompa-di-doo. Cockington Green, open from Mondays to mini-Mondays, is a wonderful interlude on the Canberra miniature theme park itinerary. ‘Strange,’ I thought, as we wandered past the miniature turnstile in the miniature entry, after paying the not-so-miniature admission fee, ‘This place looks so much smaller than when I was here last...’ Ahh, like sand through the hourglass… Like all those things that were wondrous and normal sized when you were a toddler, now they’re miniature and – strangely camp. I couldn’t help but wonder, as we gazed over the miniature English scene before us, what the bus-load of Chinese tourists who entered before us made of all this miniature stuff. Seems a bit odd, surely, for the nation’s capital to have an English village scene painstakingly reproduced in miniature on its outskirts. And the ‘Australian architectural icons’ in the ‘International’ section. Sounds like a country ready to snap, if you ask me. But, miniature camera poised, I rushed headlong into the Lilliputian world, ready to conquer any miniature obstacles in my path.

The first one was the rather crudely placed sign, surrounded by miniature Australian flags, announcing that the PRIME CAUSE of all damage to Cockington Green was perpetrated by children. While we reeled back in shock at these statistics – otherwise known as THE FACTS – I paused to consider that this miniature world was not, in fact, built with a juvenile clientele in mind. Juvenile in spirit maybe, I thought to myself, as I kicked over a Cornish village and turned to survey the Kentish Oast house. Yes, you read correctly: ‘Oast.’ Built to house oats, according to the miniature signage. No one ever accused the British of having miniature brains, did they? In fact, looking over at all the wee little houses, stuffed with tiny people falling out of the windows in various stages of undress, it suddenly dawned on me why my ancestors decided to emigrate from England in the first place. Too cramped, obviously. Too cosy. Too quaint.

Swiftly maneuvering our way past the miniature bog and miniature housing project, we paused by the miniature British Rail train, marooned half a metre from the local Cockington Green station. ‘Mind the gap,’ I quipped half-drunkenly to myself, taking another tiny gulp from my miniature bottle of Baileys. ‘Look! A bee in a flower,’ shrieked my mother, training her camera on a gigantic insect. Momentarily unaware that the bee was the same size as the animals grazing on the lawn nearby, we crowded around the ordinary spectacle, attracting a large group of Chinese onlookers, recording the event with their minicams. Embarrassed by the attention, I scurried over to the miniature Stonehenge installation, where tiny druids sipped mulled wine and drew truncated straws to see who was sacrificed next. Ritual murder on my mind, I pushed past the infants in blocking my path and tripped up the stairs to decode the mini-maze, trimmed by hand (according to the sign) with nail scissors and tweezers. ‘Shudder to think of the sciatica,’ murmured my mother, grimacing, ‘And the arthritis…the RSI.’ Yes indeed – occupational health and safety – an issue for the miniature theme park workers of the country. What’s their union called, anyway? The miscellaneous miniature model-makers and associated shrunken and sundry workers?

Social commentary is never far from ones mind when traversing Cockington Green – this was all too clear as we paused in front of the ball match, replete with soccer hooligans, streaker and overtures from the Barmy Army on miniature loudspeakers. The fox hunting diorama followed, just around the corner, and we flushed with embarrassment at the scene depicting a black ball-boy scurrying after a shuttlecock on the badminton green. ‘Not to worry,’ we cheered ourselves, ‘the International section is over yonder.’ And there it was: enough bonsai trees to make Mr Miyagi snap his chopsticks in excitement. I couldn’t help but pluck out the camera and capture the scenes before me: a diminutive Slovenian farmhouse, miniature Croatian castle, tiny Lithuanian village. ‘Present this to the next Schengen visa rule-making committee,’ I thought to myself, ‘there’s no way they won’t let you in!’ Charming. Simply charming. Tiny trains puffed past, belching tiny clouds of smoke into the atmosphere, and I began to lose all the inhibitions of the EU member states’ installations. Rushing headlong into a made-to-measure Columbian village scene, my dad raised one eyebrow and quipped (loudly) ‘Bet it’s not just coffee they’re harvesting there, eh? More likely a bit of the old marching powder!’ Only to have the slightly dark woman standing behind us sigh loudly and remark (in an obviously Columbian accent – not that I would know) ‘Oh, this scene makes me homesick.’

Cheeks burning, we turned to the more obviously narcotically inspired Inca temple, the Bhuddist worshipful installation, and the blatantly offensive South African villa. ‘Good to see that racism has a place in the miniature world,’ I thought to myself, and made a mental note for my future memoirs: ‘Cockington Green combines the grimly ironic with the morbidly amusing.’ Yes, that about sums it up. The miniature servings of food in the miniature café followed next, although I note the miniature human at the table next to me produced not-so-miniature shrieks and squeals while I tried to focus on the gift shop. Much to my disgust, the fridge magnet purchased by my father for $4.95 managed to disappear among the tiny (empty) bottles of alcohol in my pocket and I spent the next half hour scrabbling about on my hands and knees in the car park, looking for it. Then ransacking the campervan while my parents looked on in miniature middle-aged bemusement. ‘Some people just don’t get it’ I thought ruefully. And the same goes for Cockington Green. For all the myopic viewing pleasure, I just don’t understand why they don’t butch it up a bit. Sideline the St Mary Mead diorama, I reckon, it’s time to step it up a notch. For my part, I’d like to suggest a miniature Pine Gap military installation, or a miniature Lucas Heights nuclear reactor. Hell – let’s go with a miniature LNG refinery – just to show the Chinese what we’re all about. A scale model of the Big Banana wouldn’t go astray, either. And a miniature Big Pineapple just for good measure. Dare I say it? A miniature Giant Earthworm? It’s all a bit academic, really, isn’t it? A bit academic.

PopGoesCanberra EXCLUSIVE: Chanel, Tiffani and In-Grid tell ALL on their South Coast hideaway!

2005-07-06T20:48:00.000+10:00

EXCLUSIVE: After the revelation on Fop that Chanel Cole, Tiffani Wood and In-Grid have moved in together, CFBGoesPop revealed that not only were they living together, but they were living together in a flat!

Now PopGoesCanberra can reveal that Chanel, Tiffani and In-Grid also have a sublime NSW South Coast GETAWAY. You may have seen its modern, angular design before on the reverse of the A*Teens Teen Spirit album cover. That's right. Chanel, Tiffani and In-Grid's country estate was used by the A*Teens when they visited Australia to take shots for their Teen Spirit album cover. That's not the only connection they have with the Swedish foursome. The A*Teens producers are now leasing the home to the girls in the hope that their inspiration will flow and a new Aussie/Mediterrannean girl group with a Swedish flavour will be formed! But have the hopes instilled in the Swedish pop svengalis' lease agreement reaped rewards? The girls tell all....

Chanel Cole reclines in a sumptuous lounge chair whose creamy tones would not be out of place underneath the ample girth of Maggie Tabberer. She looks out over her homeland, the lush, green Bega Valley. "I love this place. The cheese. The photographics shop. The cows. But now it's a lot more. It's like...I've found my place...with these two girls." She pauses. She has a certain air about her. A freshness that wasn't to be found in any other Idol finalists, nor in the likes of Hayley Aitkin, Brooke McClymont or Hannah of No Relief fame. An originality that would certainly work wonders in a new Australo Swedish "Med" trio.

Tiffani Wood sighs as she stands on the deck that sits high above the shiny grass that Rex Hunt mows once a week. "Rex and I met at the Bega Cup. I saw the fire in his eyes. Maybe it was the devil in his soul. It wasn't love. It was a connection that just said to me, 'You must mow my lawn.' And so he did."

There is a certain bitterness that Tiffani tries to hide, but PopGoesCanberra sees through it. We ask her about the choice to release the crappy rock version of her new single. "It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted the pop version. But it wasn't to be." I can see that tensions still run high, so I let be.

In-Grid comes out on the deck with a Campari and Orange Juice. "The oranges are from western News South Wales, the orchard district, " she notes, in her lilting Italian tones, "...but the Campari is ALL Italian." The girls laugh and giggle together. A touch of tATu? No, these girls are Red Blooded Women, "count backwards five, four, three, two, one" they chime as Rex shouts from below "I'm heading down to Tathra Wharf to catch you sheilas some big ones!" In-Grid runs to the kitchen to prepare a Mediterrannean feast that her mother back home would cook. "I miss my family. My man in his convertible. The coastline. But you know, the Australian lifestyle is not that bad. Not since I met these two." She nods her head in the direction of Chanel and Tiff. How did they meet, I ask In-Grid. "I was tango-ing alone, la la la. And then they joined in." What simplicity. She returns to her olive de-pipping and sun-dried tomato drying.

While the aperitifs are pleasant and the laughter convivial, I know there is something these girls are hiding.

"So, tell me about the music..."

Silence befalls the open-plan lounge as the lights of Bega sparkle in the distance. I can almost hear cow-bells, but cows in Australia don't wear bells.

Tiffani takes charge, as she often does. "It's scary you know. Knowing you have the next big thing in the palm of your very hands. But it's a dream excitin', and it's over ridin'." Chanel motions with her hands and her bosom bounces as she smiles excitedly. "When Daniel and I are making love on a deserted South Coast beach, I feel just...amazing. And that's the same way I feel when we're working in our studio. Making amazing pop. Think Da Buzz. Think In-Grid's previous work. Think Kate Ceberano Love Dimension. Think me on Idol. Think big baby." I laugh. I almost choke on an unshelled pistachio nut. In-Grid cuts in- "Chanel no one is supposed to savoir that we have our very own atelier here in the hills outside Bega." PopGoesCanberra speaks enough French to know that that means that these three ordinary young women are working on the most extraordinary of projects. The fusion of three art-forms. Think Chanel Cole meets Tiffani Wood meets In-Grid. In my head, as these girls bouffe their antipasto feast along with Rex's fresh snapper Napoli style, I try to fathom ways to think what these girls' musical style will be like. Swedish-Australian-French/Italian. Robyn + Kylie + Johnny Halliday? Alcazar + Missy Higgins + Gigi d'Agostino? I have a feeling that the sum will be greater than its parts.

A light knocking can be heard at the door. I feel this may be my cue to exit. I pick up my things to leave, overwhelmed at the possibilities that await the Australian recording industry. A renaissance!

Chanel answers and greets a familiar looking face. It's Shirley Clamp! Shirley and I last saw each other in Stockholm at a Christmas party, fresh off the stage. So much has happened since then, the terrible loss of Att Alska Dig at Melodifestivalen, and a career and climate change, doing the weather and kids TV for Prime in country New South Wales. "Hej" she manages to exclaim in delight, shocked from seeing me at her friends' pad. "How do you ladeez know each other?" I ask. "She's doing backing vocals for our album" they chime as they kiss, Mediterranean style of course. They don't even notice as I slip out the door, my heat beating like a drum. Dam Dam Dam.

"The Bill" Webpage review

2005-06-05T14:27:00.000+10:00

If you are a fan of The Bill, then this webpage is a must visit. Just read what the site's creator writes about it!

THE BILL IS THE BEST AND THIS WHY I AM MAKIN A HOME PAGE FOR THE BILL I HOPE YA ALL ENJOY MY HOME PAGE AND I HOPE YA WILL SIGN MI GEST BOOK THANKS FOR LOOKIN AT MY WEB PAGE BYE

www.matmice.com/ home/thebillthebest

Pop meets Canberra Ice Skating: Friday Night Video Disco Review at Phillip Ice Skating Centre

2005-06-05T12:44:00.000+10:00

After being ripped off (nothing unusual) by the ACTION bus driver on the no. 38 service to Woden, I stepped off into Canberra suburban teenage hell: the Woden Plaza and Bus Interchange. Greeting me were a gang of unruly youths smoking beside an overturned shopping trolley. Next up was a fat young girl eating fast food while walking beside her ugly boyfriend. I looked ahead to the bright lights of Hoyts Cinemas, McDonalds, et. al. I heard my name called - the friends who I had gone to meet were there. As they had not eaten dinner, I was required to do the unthinkable. That is, frequent the Woden Plaza Food Court.

Woden under construction in 1968. Doesn't look much better now.

It was packed. Is this the best that people can do for a Friday night meal? There were hideous teenagers posing everywhere. Don't they realise just how gross this place is? It's like Fountaingate Shopping Centre without the amusingness of Kath and Kim to roam about with Kylie and Dannii Bolton throwing a bit of chaos into the mix.

Finally we escaped and were on our way to the Phillip Ice Skating Rink.

It also serves as an outdoor swimming complex in the summer. There were more gangs of teenagers outside. I said "why don't they go inside and skate, rather than standing around on the steps?". My friend served up the pearl of wisdom, "they are waiting for their friends." Indeed. On closer inspection, these teenagers were of the rather inocuous 12 and 13 year old churchyouthgroup species, rather than the evil 15 and 16 year old Iwanttocausetrouble species.

Despite this being called Friday night Video Disco, I was fully prepared for an onslaught of "So Fresh The Hits of Autumn 2005" or something in that style, you know, shit like Usher, 50 Cent, Linkin Park, Nitty, etc. And I was right to be prepared, for that is what was offered. Not a disco beat in sight for the first hour. The closest I got to disco while developing blisters on my left foot was singing along to Sarah Connor's "Bounce", my favourite lyric being "I called your pager and your 2-way boy but no repsonse/start looking and I found you in some other woman's arms". I was the only one who knew the words, surprisingly. It seemed to me that these kids just don't seem to like music any more. Even the crap songs that you think they'd love, you didn't see any young girls screaming "oh i love this song" or anyone (besides me) mouthing along to the lyrics of anything, not even Anthony Callea or Delta's Out of the Blue (which I must admit both sound GREAT at the ice rink).

Finally Michael Gray's "The Weekend" was served up and disco arrived for three or four short songs. A highlight was Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone." What a great track, you can just tell a Swede had a hand in that one.

Now, to the ice. It was choppy and it looked like they were about to smooth it out with their big machine, but then...they didn't. Cue me falling and gtting all wet.

Meanwhile there were the skaters. Every ice rink in Australia has about two of these. Kids who can really skate. There was a slutty looking girl showing off her skills, looking all of 14 years old and attempting to lure every male with her backward skating.

Then there was the ridiculously cute brilliant skater 14 year old dark handsome rosy cheeks bright eyes big muscles Canadian looking little jacket wearing then taking off to black singlet top beautiful boy skater who everyone secretly or not so secretly envied deliriously. Why can't I be him? Or at least be his "friend." Not fair! Bet he doesn't know Bodies Without Organs though. Suck on that.

This Canberra Ice Skater, I discovered through Google, is very keen on Mandy Moore and Dawson's Creek. Good on you mate!

All up, my score? Ice skating keeps you young and in touch with the youth while doing some moderately strenous and embarassing exercise. Seven out of Ten.

Bodies Without Organs "Prototype" Review

2005-05-27T21:16:00.000+10:00

We promised a review of this after a more thorough listening, so here it is.

And boy have we listened. BWO has been ROCKING the streets of Canberra. "Rocking the boat" on Lake Burley Griffin if one wanted to be witty,

and "burning the tarmac at Canberra International Airport."

Kicking off the album is Sixteen Tons of Hardware. The best bit is obviously the ABBA reference and the acapella(ish) bit near the end that sounds bloody powerful. This song is about sex.

Conquering America is next. Probably the best song of 2004, it references Kylie Minogue, and American men who chew gum and smoke cigarettes, IN FRENCH! Perfection.

Next track is Son of a Gun. This is bloody awesome track. The best line is of course "And he fights like a son of a gun/son of a gun/aah aah/oh oh oh oh oh oh/son of a gun". Pure brilliance. The "aah aah" is orgasmic. I have no idea what a "son of a gun" is, but whenever I think someone is great, that they can walk the walk, then I tell them they are a "son of a gun." Even if they are a girl.

Open Door is next. It's grown on me. And what a great video!

But I've just got to get to Walking the Night. Who else but Alexander Bard would put in a lyric like "Planting my seed under street lights/cause passion is the root to my groove." That incidentally is one of the best bits of the song too.

Voodoo Magic is genius, especially "oh ooooh" and "You must have been the angel/who lost the grace of God/cos I can't stop repeating/your sweet hymn on my iPod."

Sunshine in the Rain is ridiculously catchy, particularly the terribly chirpy "When I'm in Berlin you're off to London/When I'm in New York you're doing Rome."

Riding Through the Night is my current FAVE. It's so DRAMATIC. "Rain! Thunder rolls! Pain! The night is cold!" And they name check themselves! Perfection!

Say I Love You is almost too dramatic. If Swedish Glamour was an Official Religion, then this track, and Alcazar's Dance with the DJ are its principal hymns.

Rhythm Divine - skip. Sounds like Ace of Base had diarrohea.

European Psycho - brilliant lyrics, crap song.

Living in a Fantasy - it references brilliant sunken liners, astrology, frosty weather and the important issue of global warming! Gotta love it!

Gone! What a load of dog's bottoms! It's still Bodies Without Organs though isn't it!

Liner notes - brilliant.

Choice of DVDs in the Big Brother Reward Room

2005-05-27T21:04:00.000+10:00

Do the producers of Big Brother, as well as the contestants themselves, have some kind of movie choice impediment? Because Kate and Michelle just went in to the Rewards room and have been inspecting their choice of DVDs to watch. The titles she reels off as she flicks through the cases reads like a who's who of awful movies...."Oh look at all the DVDs! BRAVEHEART! Electra! Daredevil! Alien vs Predator! Dodgeball! [admittedly that is quite a funny one] That awful disaster movie whose name I can't remember [that's me who can't remember]" and get this, Kate then goes "BRILLIANT BRILLIANT BRILLIANT BRILLIANT BRILLIANT." Ever heard of a decent movie, like Muriel's Wedding? Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amelie Poulain? Dancer in the Dark? Love Actually? American Beauty? Debbie Does Dallas?

They're just movies OK? Now get into that rose petal filled bath!

Cafe Review: Cafe Essen

2005-05-14T18:27:00.000+10:00

When I arrived in Canberra, everyone seemed to say "let's go to Cafe Essen, it's really cool." And it's in a rather busy little cafe area, and always seemed to have loads of people, so I've given it a bit of a chance. But what a heap of crap! Seriously.

Experience 1

Invited by a friend, we were sitting outside. From my memory:
- The water they gave us had little floatie bits in it
- Scruffy looking boy smoked in my face
- Uncomfortable metal chairs

Experience 2

This time we were sitting inside, but by the window. It was rather busy. The water had not floatie bits in it. A plus! Then the downsides:

- Hoping for loads of beautiful people at this place is a mistake. The place is fully of scruffy leftie types, like young Tims off Big Brother 5. Why can't the lefties there be good looking, clean ones, like Fop?
- They were all smoking. The worse one was a table full of them. Gawd they were ugly. I think they were Star Wars fans as they all looked very disparate but similar. They had some kind of box with a Darth Vader reference on it. There was a guy, I didn't see his face, but I assumed he was ugly, because he had icky black hair, with red at the front and looked pasty and was smoking clouds of disgustingness over the whole place. Other patrons were getting pissed off. I just coughed very loudly to draw attention to the issue. My coffee companion was suitably embarassed :)

- I spotted a couple of things on the menu that I liked the look of, namely the New York Cheesecake and the Cherry Ripe Tart. When I asked about them the waitress acted like she hadn't heard of them and as though I was an idiot for suggesting they would ever have such things at Cafe Essen, despite the fact they're on the menu. She then went on some kind of rant to the other staff members "why does Chris put those on there bla bla bla" Yes, blame this faceless "Chris"!

Anyway we had the Blueberry and Ricotta Cheesecake, and admittedly, it was very good.

My dining companion made a very pertinent comment as we were leaving. "You would think that these "alternative" people who "care" so much about humanity etc wouldn't smoke, wouldn't you."

The trip to Civic was topped off by the usual bus trip, pleasant up to the point where the usual "Canberra bus traveller" gets on and stinks like fucking awfulness. I mean for fucks sake, they all smell the same. Like cigarette smoke, mixed with unwashedness, unwashed clothes, unwashed hair, and general stinkiness. It's very difficult to describe, other than that it's smoky and it's stifling. Get a peg if you want to travel on a bus. The older buses have no ventilation, and if you attempt to open a window, some cool dude will shut it. Excuse the rant.

Remembering: AlleyCat

2005-05-03T14:49:00.000+10:00

I used to love this game so much when I was 6 years old. I particularly loved the bit where the cat has to swim around in the bowl with the electric eels. I never understood how to eat the food from the dog bowls until many years later. The dogs ALWAYS attacked me, the noise from the tiny speaker in my IBM compatible computer armed with MS DOS always scared the SHIT out of me!

Party Review: Cops and Robbers

2005-05-01T15:29:00.000+10:00

A few weeks ago PopGoesCanberra attended a Cops and Robbers party.

Because PopGoesCanberra was too lazy-arsed to go to any trouble to get all dressed up for the party, we wrote a badge for ourselves saying that we were a "male prostitute working an illegal brothel on a boat on Lake Burley Griffin." This is an extremely witty reference to mid-90s soapie, Pacific Drive. The lowly people at the party didn't really notice it. They missed out.

Then night proceeded in a hot and sweaty fashion. Lots of people in a small space, an extreme lack of food and music, but plenty of drink, which I don't feel like drinking. Didn't feel like getting red wine tipped all over me by a silly TART either, so I left. The end.

Le voisin qui vient de l'enfer

2005-04-30T14:34:00.000+10:00

Imagine being so afraid of your neighbour that you run to the bathroom at the slightest sound of the jangle of a key, or, God forbid, a ring of the bell or a knock at the door. The excuse "I'm in the shower, I'm in the shower" goes through your head a thousand times as you turn on the cold water and wipe wipe wipe wipe down the tiles.

This is the life that PopGoesCanberra is living. He's not a bad neighbour.

Not "bad" in the sense that he means well.

But if you open that door,

Then he will talk and talk and talk and talk. About how hard he works, about his car, about bloody everything. And he'll give you candy and chips. Beware.

After the incident this morning, I only found comfort when I sat on the toilet and did a big poo while listening to Natalie Imbruglia's latest album, Counting Down the Days.

What's Hot in Canberra

2005-04-21T20:06:00.000+10:00

1. Elize Automatic

A huge Dutch track that is blowing PopGoesCanberra's mind. It's so in your face. It's like Dannii Minogue meets some crazy Dutch chick. With great lyrics at the end of the pumping chorus like "I'm talking to you/she'll make a slave out of you/but you can't help it boy so it's OK".

2. Infernal From Paris to Berlin

A huge Danish track that is blowing PopGoesCanberra's mind. It's so in your face. It's like Dannii Minogue meets some crazy Danish chick and hot Danish guy. With great lyrics in the pumping chorus, that even features the word "pumping" like "From Paris to Berlin/In Every Disco I get in/My heart is pumping for love/pumping for love". It name checks two hot Euro cities and sounds totally Euro. No wonder 105.7 Radio Metro on the Gold Coast and Nova 96.9 in Sydney can't stop playing it.

3. Verve at Manuka

Great coffee. Pleasantly snobby, including champagne-quaffing "doctor's wives" who have blonde hair and flirt with waiters in their late 20s. It's almost like we're on Tedder Avenue, Main Beach on the Gold Coast! Very good-looking staff. Beautiful toilets. Only downpoints? The shades are sometimes down when it's sunny, and there is a tap in the men's toilets that doesn't turn off properly. What a terrible waste of water.

4. Canberra Autumn Leaves

The weather has been perfect, and the leaves are red. They fall onto the ground and one can crunch them under the leaves and play like a child. How lovely.

5. Seven's Amazing Thursday My Restaurant Rules, Lost and The Amazing Race

Who could have even imagined Thursdays in 2005 could be this good for television?

PopGoesCanberra *hearts* Evan and Bella

and we have a soft spot for Fracesca at Louvre because she can sing and has funny glasses!

and we are NOT a fan of "The Sweat" from the West. Would it be cruel to say "stick some deodorant on your forehead!" Yes it would, but we'll say it anyway. PopGoesCanberra does NOT work at DFAT, therefore we are not diplomatic like some.

and we miss Deb :(

We think Kris and Jon are nice nice nice. And we are very jealous of how Jon's hair always looks good even when has a silly visor on and whether he is the wilds of Ethiopia, downtown Shanghai, the total and utter class of Stockholm's Gamla Stan or the tundra of Iceland. And if we were female we would be very jealous Kris' beautiful breasts.

We think Freddie and Kendra are not particularly attractive and not particularly nice.

We miss Lori and "Bow-low"

Bodies Without Organs hits Canberra

2005-04-06T22:22:00.000+10:00

Wednesday 6 April 2005 signalled the arrival of Bodies Without Organs' debut album Prototype in Pop Goes Canberra's mailbox. Wowee.

Initial comments?

Pop Goes Canberra, and consequently the Australian Capital Territory as a whole desperately needs this Swedish electro-pop music. The album kicks off with the marvellous ABBA-referencing Sixteen Tons of Hardware. The highlight is of course the amazing Conquering America, the video of which we have all seen. It features bodily parts in jars, blood, and sexy mobile phones and hip thrusting on couches and weird little shorts. Great album tracks include Voodoo Magic and Sunshine in the Rain. This album will grow on me I think, though it already is brilliant. Let the strains of Bodies Without Organs ring over Lake Burley Griffin and beyond.

Roads review: Canberra

2005-04-06T21:42:00.000+10:00

Pros of Roads in Canberra:

- They are nice and wide
- They are pleasantly tree-lined and that is great at the moment because it is autumn and the leaves are turning red and blowing on the road and making pleasant crunchy noises when one drives/rides/steps on them

Cons of Roads in Canberra:

- The drivers. What utter wankers. The roads being nice and wide, and fairly quiet too, they just tear round corners, not thinking that there might be pedestrians around the corner.
- The traffic lights. They don't seem to have those little pressure pads under the road so that you sit there in your car and have to wait and wait and wait for them to change. I have a life to lead you bastards.
- The lighting. There is none. And I have a story. Tonight I was riding my bike near Deakin when I was obeying the road rules apart from the fact that it was pitch dark and I don't have a light on my bike. I almost ran into a guy in a ute/a guy in a ute almost ran into me (kinda) and he screamed out the window "Dickhead! Get a light, Fuckwit!"

Wasn't that charming? I hate it when people tell me things I already know. I am a dickhead for not having a light on my bike. But if I could afford a light, I would have a decent bike. Rather than something that looks like what Emma Bunton would ride on her album cover if her stylist said "Get her on a bike! A blue one, rather than a pink one as you might expect."

Or I might even get a car. In any case, I'm a dickhead, but I wouldn't go as far as fuckwit. In any case, you have no idea what my personal circumstances are. My mother could be on her death bed and I was riding my only available transport to her house to say goodbye. Yeah, fuck you. I wasn't, but it could have been! I'd rather not of course. But it could have been! Then how would you have felt, angry man in ute!?

World Exclusive: Shirley Clamp escapes to Australia after Melodifestivalen shame

2005-03-31T23:18:00.000+10:00

Pop Goes Canberra! is proud to present the first world exclusive shots of a new, less busty Shirley Clamp on the set of her new job at Prime ACT, where she hosts the night-time weather segment.

Shirley was obviously disappointed at the 4th placing of her 2005 Melodifestivalen entry Att Alska Dig, and subsequently fled Sweden in tears. She then recuperated at an unknown location, most likely Cable Beach Resort at Broome, or perhaps as some South Coast plumbers are suggesting, Nicole Kidman's new beach pad near Moruya Airport on the South Coast of New South Wales. She has since snared the prize job of Weatherwoman (Japanese movie style of course) on Channel 7 (home of Desperate Housewives, Lost, and of course, Dancing with the Stars, particularly Nikki Webster) affiliate, Prime.

Here are the photos of the new Shirley, taken tonight shortly after the end of The Amazing Race.

In happier times, still basking in the limelight of a 2nd place finish at Melodifestivalen 2004 with what was perhaps the best pop song of 2004, Min Karlek, this shot of Shirley being "held" by Andreas and Magnus from Alcazar was taken backstage at Nacka Strand, Stockholm on 22 December, 2004.

Transportation Review: Canberra Buses

2005-03-31T22:54:00.000+10:00

ACTION is the name of the Canberra bus company.

Great things about Canberra buses:

- They run pretty much on time
- They aren't hideously old

Horrible things about Canberra buses:

- They are cesspools of infection. This morning, someone sneezed behind me. I hate that. I held my breath. Then, someone sneezed in front of me. I hate that. I held my breath, a bit Destiny's Child style. But they lost it, I held it. Then someone was coughing heaps. I hate that. Especially when you can hear the pghlegm, etc. (Are there too many 'g's there?) You know what, while watching the amazing The Amazing Race tonight, I started coughing. You what caused it? Those nasty people on the bus. The lesson? If you're sick, STAY AT HOME AND WATCH BERT etc!
- There is this kid that sits there looking so cool. He has an iPod with a little blue cover. He manages to look way cool even in his school uniform, though his white jacket does have a funny yellow stain on it. He is about 15 though, so that could be normal. His hair is perfectly coiffed. It's unneverving how cool someone can be.
- There is this rather clumsy man with a funny box who gets on the bus when it is already quite full, and there is something just very very clumsy about him. And the "cool" school kids don't want him to sit with them. But then because it's not a rough bus and these kids were probably actually brought up quite well and they are trying to rebel by being kinda mean in an attempt to be cool, they let him sit next to them by very slowly taking their bags off the seat. It's all very uncomfortable to watch.

I really can't be bothered going into all the business about the total dropkicks who catch the bus at other times besides 8:15am, I'll leave that for the next instalment.

Canberra - Australia Day Collage

2005-03-27T17:55:00.000+10:00

Here you can see the wonderful Sandra Sully feeling her body while standing next to the Prime Minister, you can see the crowd against the backdrop of the War Memorial. And what is more Australian than a blurry Gretel Killeen and some blurry Idols in front of Parliament House?

Pop music trends in Canberra vol. 1

2005-03-27T16:54:00.000+10:00

Given that Canberra has no radio stations that play my brand of quality popular music this section will only ever discuss what is playing in my house. If you are considering starting up a radio station in Canberra, how about making it sound like Rix FM or Radio Metro or Hot Tomato...

Currently blaring on the stereo here are the Melodifestivalen 2005 tracks (particularly Refrain Refrain by Pay TV and Alcastar by Alcazar), Kelly Osbourne's brilliant latest, One Word (it features French talky bits, it has to be good), and a few Melody Club tracks.

Venue Review: Minque

2005-03-27T16:42:00.000+10:00

I went out last night to Minque. It's a lounge/bar/club located in trendy Manuka, on the southside of Canberra.

Initial impressions: faint vomit/strong cigarette smoke smell, good looking but try-hardish patrons. Bar staff have very gay hair but are definitely not gay. In the skunkish sense.

Drinks: I could hardly taste the vodka in my mixer drink, and it wasn't top shelf vodka.

Toilets: Reasonably clean, and ever so slightly innovative. Urinal is made out of granite. Tap over marble sloping sink did not work very well, but water was cold. Good thing.

Music: generic housey shit blaring into the street.

Clientele: my companion commented that the crowd gets younger, druggier and woggier as the night progresses.

Atmosphere: very smokey, generally making one feel sick for the following few days.

All in all, a good night was had!

A new era in blogging...

2005-03-27T16:05:00.000+10:00

...well not EXACTLY but I'll give it a go. This will be a genuine attempt to create a trully brilliant and very very witty blog.

My inspiration? Fop and his "affilliates." When I say "affilliates" I mean all the sites that he links to, because they are classy.

Pop Goes Canberra!

Visit to Canberra (by guest Qld-based blogger)

Share our Story

Spaghetti straps, complex woven hair arrangements, and cropped tees. All permitted items of female leisurewear in the liberal enclave of Summer Bay, known in legal circles as the ‘New Amsterdam of New Holland.’

Australia Day Live 2008: review

"My Family": Worst British comedy ever?

Seen at Coles Manuka.... (#2)

Seen at Coles Manuka...

Coming to you from a hot and steamy Canberra couch....

This is quite amazing

Callum off "Are you smarter than a 5th grader?"

PopGoesCanberra's famous mega chart rubbish wrap-up

Great stuff: Fireman Sam

Great stuff: The Flying Doctors

The Public Sector Informant - the most boring newspaper ever?

Summer is coming - Mamma Mia, give me a sangria!

What's Not (hot)

What's Hot

What's Hot

What if Canberra were actually Poland?

Coles Manuka: Worst supermarket in Canberra?

As It Is In Heaven

Can you see why PopGoesCanberra loves the Gold Coast?

Epic new BWO video

Natalie Barr from Seven Sunrise gropes budget airline guest

Napisan Tragedy

Crap Food on Qantas flights: an update

Lovely Canberra Autumn Evening - a haiku by PopGoesCanberra

Would you just look at Tina Arena!

Crap food on Qantas flights

Bogans in a park

Would you like something to suck on?

Måns Zelmerlöw Fever

Dream (but realistic) Australia Day Live Concert

Things I love #1

Things I hate #1

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer

Cheesy Italian Crime Show on SBS this summer

Lazy ARIA Top 50 round-up

Lyrical analysis of Guy Sebastian's "Elevator Love"

Jangly piano appreciation

Things that have been exciting this year

Scourge of popular music

Selections for your viewing pleasure

Sydney-Canberra trip

Mile High: in the air and up the mountain

What's hot and what's not in Canberra food and drink

Why don't pool parties like THIS happen in Canberra?

Rant rant rant: vintage cars and the Top 50

I *heart* Kim Watkins: superstar

Sextuplet faker hair shock

What's Hot or Not Autumn 2006

The Truth About The Truth About Diamonds

What's good about people earning more money than you...

PopGoesCanberra on Popjustice

Album Review: Infernal "From Paris to Berlin"

PopGoesCanberra GoesToTasmania Part 1

PopGoesCanberraGoesToTasmania...

Kiss the Giss 2006 Demo Song

What's Hot and What's Not: December 2005

More Kiss the Giss 2006 updates coming soon

This is going to be WORLDWIDE

Australian World Cup 2006 Song nomination launched!

I've got two things to say to you....

Spring 2005: What's Hot and What's Not

Sunday Afternoon

Canberra Summer Fashion Review : the latest TV wear

Long Weekend

Chalk ‘n Cheese – the saga continues

Woden, the Evil Temptress

"All Wodened Out" (Restaurant Review: Woden Plaza Food Court)

Russian lesbians set to hit Canberra once more!

ANALYSIS: Swedes very apologetic:

Canberra's Cock(ington) is Green says Robyn

PopGoesCanberra EXCLUSIVE: Chanel, Tiffani and In-Grid tell ALL on their South Coast hideaway!

"The Bill" Webpage review

Pop meets Canberra Ice Skating: Friday Night Video Disco Review at Phillip Ice Skating Centre

Bodies Without Organs "Prototype" Review

Choice of DVDs in the Big Brother Reward Room

Cafe Review: Cafe Essen

I heart Kim Watkins: superstar