But just look at his hair, LOOK! What was he thinking?!
What's Hot or Not Autumn 2006
This is in no particular order...
WHAT'S HOT
1. Punch
Preferably weak and then getting stronger as the night goes on...add some champagne...vodka...tequila...absinthe...jungle juice...and you end up wonderfully sloshed amongst fine company at a wonderful Canberra house party.
2. The back page of The Sydney Morning Herald
It's so darn funny. I spend all day...well 20 minutes anyway reading "Stay in Touch", "Heckler" and "Column 8".
3. Delta Goodrem Together we are one
Thank goodness they've woken up to themselves and are releasing this as a single. I got goosebumps while watching her at the Commonwealth Games. Come back to our shores if the Americans don't want you you silly tart.
4. Infernal coming to Australia
Oh how exciting is this! Very! I want to see sexy blonde chick and hot Danish guy LIVE please. My prayers have been answered. April 21 in Sydney.
5. Sex
It's not bad is it.
6. Today Tonight
Did I just say that? There are now more bogans on Neighbours than TT now. Today Tonight is roaring through the ratings and good on 'em. They do trash so WELL. It's worth watching just for Naomi Robson's little remarks.
7. The Biggest Loser
More trash done well. And it's Australian too! Go you good things. Especially Kristie...she's pretty!
8. Survivor - Panama
I hate Survivor. But wait...we found ourselves watching it tonight. Not just for Aras the yoga lavender-loving man but also the team names...YOUNGER MEN...YOUNGER WOMEN...OLDER MEN...OLDER WOMEN...unless you're into animals, there is something for EVERYBODY!!! It's like the ideal dating scene.
9. Coffee in Manuka on a warm sunny Sunday afternoon with the Sun-Herald.
Eat greasy chips, drink latte, get your feet red and read "S". It doesn't get much better.
10. Melbourne
Sexiest city in Australia.
WHAT'S NOT
1. Heaving buses roaring past on Constitution Avenue.
You smell! You are loud! And you are filled with people silly enough not to take a car to work!
2. Bridge works on Kings Avenue Bridge.
Over it!
3. Sunglasses combined with an mp3 player while walking around Canberra
The ultimate in "I'm not interested in social interaction with anyone at all...you can't speak to me, you can't see my eyes, you don't know where I'm looking but I'm not interested in you so I'm highly likely not looking at you even though you are staring at me."
I can't think of any more because I'm in a positive mood today. Might add some more when I'm in a bad mood (hopefully not this week!)
WHAT'S HOT
1. Punch
Preferably weak and then getting stronger as the night goes on...add some champagne...vodka...tequila...absinthe...jungle juice...and you end up wonderfully sloshed amongst fine company at a wonderful Canberra house party.
2. The back page of The Sydney Morning Herald
It's so darn funny. I spend all day...well 20 minutes anyway reading "Stay in Touch", "Heckler" and "Column 8".
3. Delta Goodrem Together we are one
Thank goodness they've woken up to themselves and are releasing this as a single. I got goosebumps while watching her at the Commonwealth Games. Come back to our shores if the Americans don't want you you silly tart.
4. Infernal coming to Australia
Oh how exciting is this! Very! I want to see sexy blonde chick and hot Danish guy LIVE please. My prayers have been answered. April 21 in Sydney.
5. Sex
It's not bad is it.
6. Today TonightDid I just say that? There are now more bogans on Neighbours than TT now. Today Tonight is roaring through the ratings and good on 'em. They do trash so WELL. It's worth watching just for Naomi Robson's little remarks.
7. The Biggest Loser
More trash done well. And it's Australian too! Go you good things. Especially Kristie...she's pretty!
8. Survivor - Panama
I hate Survivor. But wait...we found ourselves watching it tonight. Not just for Aras the yoga lavender-loving man but also the team names...YOUNGER MEN...YOUNGER WOMEN...OLDER MEN...OLDER WOMEN...unless you're into animals, there is something for EVERYBODY!!! It's like the ideal dating scene.
9. Coffee in Manuka on a warm sunny Sunday afternoon with the Sun-Herald.
Eat greasy chips, drink latte, get your feet red and read "S". It doesn't get much better.
10. Melbourne
Sexiest city in Australia.
WHAT'S NOT
1. Heaving buses roaring past on Constitution Avenue.
You smell! You are loud! And you are filled with people silly enough not to take a car to work!
2. Bridge works on Kings Avenue Bridge.
Over it!
3. Sunglasses combined with an mp3 player while walking around Canberra
The ultimate in "I'm not interested in social interaction with anyone at all...you can't speak to me, you can't see my eyes, you don't know where I'm looking but I'm not interested in you so I'm highly likely not looking at you even though you are staring at me."
I can't think of any more because I'm in a positive mood today. Might add some more when I'm in a bad mood (hopefully not this week!)
The Truth About The Truth About Diamonds
Holiday reading for PGC normally involves a light-hearted mix of essays by J.K. Galbraith, a couple of Joseph Conrad novels, and the occasional romance by Jean Genet. Imagine our surprise, then, to find a hefty volume entitled The Truth About Diamonds: A Novel A Novel A Novel wedged firmly in our Christmas stocking – a literary bottle-neck of exhausting proportions. Groan. Last year we were burdened with Paris Hilton’s emotionally taxing Confessions of an Heiress, which we barely finished in time for Christmas lunch. Here we were again, just twelve months later, with another weighty tome in our hands and not a Cliff’s Notes in sight. Having battled our way through TTAD: ANANAN, PGC feels it is only fair that we provide a comprehensive analysis of this important work for the benefit of future students of English literature. For Nicole Richie is a creative force likely to shape the course of modern fiction. Her style is so challenging, and her idiom so nuanced, she is at times difficult to follow. For those who persevere, however, TTAD: ANANAN is a rewarding experience.
The first hurdle for the novice reader to overcome is the confusing similarity between the novel’s protagonist, Chloe Parker, and the author’s own personal history. Derided by some critics as a shameless act of self-promotion, PGC hails this audacious foray into the th
ird person as a milestone in modern literature. One can only imagine the amount of ‘tweaking’ Richie’s raw, uncompromising prose would have required to neutralise its defamatory content if it had been written using the characters’ real names. Thus, it seems all the more plausible for Richie to retreat into the background, shielded from potential litigation as she cunningly positions herself in the authorial voice of ‘Nicole.’ Too subtle? We thought so. But then, Richie likes to play games with the English language that are still illegal in Queensland. In fact, PGC has not seen such an audacious attempt to disrupt and destabilise the literary status quo since Drew Barrymore’s controversial use of italics in the epic novel Little Girl Lost.
Critics are scrambling to discover where Richie learned her craft, and creative writing schools across the US are understandably desperate to claim Richie as an alumni. It will come as no surprise to PGC readers, though, to discover that Richie is largely self taught. She describes her tumultuous apprenticeship thus: ‘I went to the University of Arizona. I stopped because I went there for two years and I felt like I experienced college or whatever. I'm over it. I like Hollywood better.’ Instead, it seems Richie honed her creative talents developing semi-obscene tattoos to cram onto her cadaverous frame and scratching absurdist pop lyrics in rehab facilities. Part of the great mystery of Nicole Richie is how the publicity-shy actress found the strength to bare her soul so openly in a written form. As she ruminated once in a rare interview: ‘I've just gone through so much in my life that pulling my top up just doesn't seem like that big a deal.’
This remarkable capacity for self restraint is only too apparent in TTAD: ANANAN, as Richie’s brutally honest self-portrayal as a sturdy, responsible pillar of the Hollywood community unfolds: ‘When Chloe’s number popped up on my cell at mid-night one night, I was already being driven home after the opening of a good friend’s new boutique…I smiled, catching my own grin in the rear view mirror of my own limo.’ Richie’s brisk economy of words, punctuated with odd similes and unexplained pauses, not only saves paper, but vocabulary: ‘Saying “hi” like I did…with the gentleness of stroking a newborn kitten, was my way of apologising and
asking for another chance. Just…”hi.”’ Indeed, nowhere is Richie’s precocious talent more apparent than in her efficient command of the fullstop, which she flaunts repeatedly: ‘I discreetly excused myself and found the ladies’ room, which was like a palace of lavender marble. It truly was…something.’ PGC does not mind admitting that we were almost reduced to tears by this passage. Richie’s crisp prose, her economy of words and rhythmic timing all combine to make this emotionally-charged toilet scene almost…something. If you thought Richie’s only contact with toilets was throwing up in them, think again. Anyone who can cram the words ‘translucent,’ ‘diaphanous’ and ‘gak sak’ into a description of a toilet deserves to be taken seriously.Chloe’s enc
ounter with a pair of tabloid reporters in the opening scene also showcases Richie’s mastery of self-reflexiveness: ‘It turned out a paparazzo had been following them the entire time, and since neither of them were famous, they weren’t used to making sure they weren’t being tailed every ten seconds like I am.’ Chloe, we soon learn, is a Hollywood innocent on the cusp of celebrity with a penchant for street-level self defence and men with gastric by-passes. Astute readers will not fail to notice the depth of this characterisation intensify throughout the novel. At the start of Part One (titled Before): ‘Chloe’s mailing address might have been her mom’s place in Bel Air, but the place to find her – and more importantly the place where she was finding herself – was whatever party was hottest at the moment.’ By the end of Part Two, however, (titled, intriguingly, After): ‘…she was a grown woman with rehab under her Versace belted halter dress and a red-hot reality project that was making her a household name.’(Left) Red Hot Reality: Chloe.....errrr Richie appears at the MTV awards with rehab under her Versace belted dress
Reality projects notwithstanding, Richie strenuously avoids the temptation to launch militant attacks on her former associates. ‘Is anyone perfect?’ she demands testily in the preface, ‘No. Only a perfect diamond looks good that close up…All the people in this n
ovel are fictional, but like real people, they’re flawed. And even though I adore her…my diamond in the rough, Chloe is no exception.’ Neither, it would seem, are the other dramatis personae, particularly Chloe’s wayward childhood friend and red-hot-reality-co-star: Simone Westlake. Students of structuralism and semiotics worldwide remain baffled by this odd choice of pseudonym, and have requested the services of encryption experts to decode this oblique reference to Paris Hilton. Not only does this ingenious device provide Richie with an opportunity to take a couple of vicious swipes at Paris, it also provides a vehicle for her incisive wit. PGC particularly enjoyed the gripping scene where Chloe’s mother confronts her about her drug use: ‘”Who taught you to do this? To trip the lizard?” Chloe laughed before she could stop herself. “It’s chasing the dragon, Mom.” But the question was just as hilarious. Who had taught Chloe about drugs? The problem could be traced – as so many problems could be – back to Simone.’Among the accusations levelled at Paris (aka Simone) in TTAB we find murder (at a
ge four), followed by drug use (age 11), right-wing extremism (14), promiscuity (on-going), and - crushingly - poor taste in interior design. Read between the lines, though, and subtle references throughout the book point unmistakably to Hilton’s determined and repeated breach of copyright through the publication of artistic mobile phone images (‘I’m thinking of selling them to a British newspaper because they can show tits in the paper over there.’), her possible involvement in welfare fraud (‘Oh, yeah – and I’m not pregnant after all, so don’t worry about that either.’) and, most chillingly, her unconventional approach to breast augmentation (‘She was stuffing her bra with expensive silk scarves…warning Chloe never to use toilet paper for fear “your tits will smell like ass, and no guys will ever want to sleep with you.”’) Right: Cruel attacks on Paris Hilton take their toll....Like Paris Hilton’s Simone, Nicole Richie’s Nicole is also prone to philosophy, wryly observing that ‘…fame is hungry. In the same way girls like to chase their sweet with a little salt, fame requires a misery chaser to every ounce of joy.’ Part political satire, part penetrating socio-cultural critique, Richie’s dazzling flair for abbreviation captures the vernacular of her troubled teen characters so well, it is a mystery to PGC why she didn’t release the entire volume as one continuous SMS. W/E! One wonders how Richie plans to follow up this masterpiece. A scathing pod cast on former fiancée Adam Goldstein, dimly personified as ‘DJ Ray’? A couch-thumping appearance on Oprah’s book club? Or something more conspicuous? A Truth about diamonds and Reconciliation Commission is PGC’s suggestion, capped off with Richie making a dramatic birqua-clad dash down the steps of the court room when Hilton arrives to give evidence. (If, for no other reason, than to fling the garment across Hilton's nether regions as she exists the limo)
Like so many other ‘electrifying first novels’, Richie’s masterpiece resists a genre. Unless, of course ‘el
ectrifying first novels’ can be deemed a genre in itself. PGC initially considered TTAD to be an uneasy alliance between children’s literature and large print reading material for brain trauma outpatients. However, we now suspect that TTAD discloses all the hallmarks of the ‘drug-addled as a teenager/slim grasp of English as an adult’ genre, epitomized by Pamela Anderson in her ground-breaking work Starstruck: A Novel. Critics agree that this startling composition has raised the bar for Richie with its skilful blend of absurdist comedy and soft-core pornography, captured poignantly in the opening scene: ‘Why do my nipples hurt? was Star's first thought as she woke from a strangely deep sleep, her hands gliding along her naked body...’.But what does the literary establishment make of TTAD? How many karats is Richie’s masterwork fetching on the ruthless market of high-brow criticism? This is what the newspapers had to say:
–The New York Post"Shockingly entertaining."
–Chicago Tribune"[A] gem of a book."
Richie is also faring well online among the usually prickly under-12 demographic:
January 16, 2006
TheDivineMsF "*J.O.S.E*" (Philly, PA USA) writes on E-Bay Reviews and Guides:
'Nicole is my god, and this book really surprised me. I mean I know Nicole is awesome at things like shopping & making people laugh on the Simple Life when she isn't busy being the fabulous Socialite that she is...but I never expected her to be such a good writer. What can't this fashionista do? If you're a fan of Nicole or even if you're not this book will prove to be a good read. Buy it, it's worth it.'
Meanwhile, Erin Laporte, gives TTAD 4 out of 5:
‘I just finished reading her book and was totally satisfied with what I read. I bought the book with the intent of reading about fun parties, socialites, extremely wealthy young people, and light entertainment...Nothing heavy!! I am definitely not a huuuuuge Nicole Richie fan (although I like her way more than Paris) but after reading this book, I have more respect for Nicole and am happy that she decided to write this book.’
Step aside Gertrude Stein – literary cubism has a new poster child. As some random chick on a random internet review says, "Buy it!"
What's good about people earning more money than you...
...is when they say "No, I'll pay for you, I earn way more money than you."
PopGoesCanberra on Popjustice
PopGoesCanberra is now writing (unofficially) for esteemed music website Popjustice.com.
To be precise, you can see our entries in the A-Z of pop music, so far under K for Kate de Rouge, and Katie Underwood, S for Sydney and G for Gold Coast!
Can you think of anything else we should submit?
To be precise, you can see our entries in the A-Z of pop music, so far under K for Kate de Rouge, and Katie Underwood, S for Sydney and G for Gold Coast!
Can you think of anything else we should submit?
Album Review: Infernal "From Paris to Berlin"
I discovered the song From Paris to Berlin in March last year while listening to Swedish internet radio. Subsequently Radio Metro on the Gold Coast, the best radio station in Australia, picked it up. A few weeks after that Nova 969 in Sydney started playing it after a tip from the public. Central Station Records finally got a hold of it and released it around September/October. It had a decent chart run. The album From Paris to Berlin came out with little fanfare in October/November. I had it on order from JB Hi-Fi in Civic and it was waiting for me for a couple of months before I could pick it up just on Friday. Why the hell did I wait so long. I'm Always Right had told me it was frigging awesome. Why didn't I believe him? This album is awesome. Here's the detailed PopGoesCanberra review!
Cover
Sexy. It appears to be the blonde chick with lots of lipstick on, her lips are so shiny that there is a star shining off the bottom of it. She is kneeling and you can see a bit of a bikini that she is wearing. The hot Danish DJ guy appears to be having sex with her doggie-style and he appears to be enjoying it, as he has a sly smile. Do comment if you think this is not the case.
Booklet
Booklets are very important. They are the reason you pay for an album instead of downloading and burning the tracks. Well our reason anyway. The booklet continues the sexual theme. There's lots of black, neon lights in pretty colours, and sexy sexy pictures. On the first page there's a shot of the hot Danish DJ guy putting his hand around sexy blonde singer chick as though she has just said "be rough with me, I like it like that, boy" in an "our Mary" kind of accent. On the next page is the hot Danish DJ guy showing a bit of chest and looking alarmingly like Andreas from Alcazar and there is are fingers and fingernails on his shoulders, possibly indicating the hot blonde singer chick grabbing
him to ask for more (sex, that is). What follow are more sultry pics. There is a very Deborah Harry one where the hot blonde singer chick appears to have used up several tubes of mascara on her eyes. And she also appears to be quite flat chested. Or her boobs are pointing in a funny direction. The centrepiece shot is of a couple of hot guys looking lustfully at a girl kneeling seductively on a stage in frilly white bikini type outfits. The next page is the hot blonde singer chick feeling her tummy. Maybe she wasn't feeling well. Then there's a very Alcazar shot of the hot blonde singer chick looking bored while hot Danish DJ guy has a funny look on his face as though he's looking at a mobile phone, but there's no mobile phone! And he's wearing a hot white suit with a very very nice long green tie. It's kind of a bit like the one on the left, but not really. Much cooler.
The songs!
00 Big ride f*ckers (Intro)
I love intro tracks! tATu did it on Dangerous and Moving to admittedly very little effect, but this is good. No lyrics, so no swearing unfortunately. But there are lots of grunty car noises!
01 From Paris To Berlin
You know how good this song sounds! You know it makes you drive fast! You think of the video which features bikinis, pink and blue motorbikes, computers, and semen! The song itself is the perfect mix of lyrics, of melody, of attitude, of beat, of little cool synthy noises, of "wo-oh", of a "teasing" that sounds like a "seizing". It sounds great loud, or even sounds great soft over your work colleauge's tinny radio in the office that you think they shouldn't really have. And the middle 8 features the famous "ah, ah ah, ah, wo-oh, wo-oh, wo-oh" and then a little guitary bit and more funny noises and a quite little chorus before thumping back into it big-time.
02 I Took A Ride (Fairytale) feat. Adam Powers
Oooh! It's got fairytale and horseriding noises (not like in Belinda Carlisle's horsey track, less obvious than those ones). It's a DUET! A dance duet! It's all about a guy whose got a girl who may or may not have been faithful, people are saying stuff about her! But he enjoyed it anyway. That's why it's a fairytale. He starts off, and then hot blonde singer chick "Lina" comes in: I know sometimes I'm just out there/and I know sometimes I can flirt a bit too much [SLUT!]. She admits it! And then she has the cheek to say It's not up to me/if I'm somebody's fantasy. Ooh and then there's a great bit he sings Don't Lie! And she sings No I won't lie! Amazing!
03 Keen On Disco
Already been played in Australia on 105.7 Radio Metro on the Gold Coast where they know great fun summer dance music. Hot blonde singer chick knows her disco. It pulses. Oooh. And then there's the amazing lyric When you nibble my ear/the bass is softly bumpin' and caressin' my rear/you make me soft n sweet/and you're confusing me with every magic electric beat. SEX!
04 Cheap Trick - The silent movie (Intro)
Infernal are clever. They've got a little bit that sounds like a French cafe, to make you think you're in a French cafe! This is the first of several French touches on the album...
05 Cheap Trick Kinda' Girl Cult of Noise
This is an awesome track. The lyrics are simple. About a cheap trick kinda girl. Whatever that is. But it's pretty bad I think, cos she knows it's a sin. The tune is infectious and they've enlisted some famous accordian player to play the accordian, and it's pretty darn good.
06 Ultimate Control feat. John Rock
Well this is all very dramatic. There is thunder! It's about some kind of psycho guy. This chick you see, gave this guy her heart, her soul, she gave him all to make him whole but it's not enough girl. This song has an awesome little electroey beat. Fuck it's good.
07 Vienna
More European city name-dropping! Aren't you cool?!!! Well you've gotta forgive them, cos it's just perfect. Another night-driving song, cruise around Lake Burley-Griffin with this one playing and you'll feel like you're there, walking the cold winter streets of the Austrian capital. The lyrics remind me of Belinda Carlisle's La Luna: The warmth of your hand and a cold grey sky it fades to the distance. And there is a big exciting bit where you hear nothing to me about a hundred times and then hot blonde singer chick goes OHHHHHHHH VIENNAAAAAAAAA! and you can dance dance dance the night away. And then it goes all pretty at the end.
08 Dressed In Blue
This song is all about sex. Seriously. And is a bit ABBA-ish too. Always a good thing. It's all about sex, and I'm assuming they are naked, but possibly he still has some form of blue garment on. He likes to tie her up: No greater mood/than when I can't move at all/when tied by you/my servitude sets me free. It's about domination! It has haunting little choral bits! And more sexual lyrics!: I know when you cum round i've got to give in/when it glows/and it flows/and your fire breaks through/my every moan is for you. And then the whole song changes completely into the sort of French soccer anthem that silly French people sing at weddings, parties, etc. La la la la in a big chanty sort of way. Love it!
09 Careful With The Boys
Hot blonde singer chick passes on lessons to young females/gay men about their burgeoning sexuality! Ooh ooh gotta be careful with the boys/yeah be careful with the boys/cos they're more than just your toys...didn't your mama teach you that/they'll be coming back.
10 Deeper Still
Think Infernal doing Motorcycle's As the Rush Comes and you've got it. Perfect for a mild summer's night around Canberra's country roads. Has the lines Walls are morphine and feelin' oozy feelin high feeling lighter than a sigh. Great!
11 Bass driven Music
This doesn't have hot blonde singer chick, just some guy saying "bass driven music" a lot.
12 Balagan (Hava nagila) - feat. Uri
This one features a lot of name dropping - Infernal being chanted and then loads of silly French soccer fans singing la la la etc. It's pretty awful really but we at PopGoesCanberra forgive them!
13 Banjo Thing feat. Red$tar
Imagine a Vengaboys track or Steps 5678, with lots of lyrics about motherfuckers sung by a guy with a gruff voice! How rude!
14 Sunday Morning March
I think this is supposed to calm you down after all the excitement. I suppose it does!
VERDICT: You've got to buy this album. Please note that the tracklsting on the Australian album is completely wrong. Bit of a stuffup with the prnting/typesetting/whatever. The CD is fine though.
Cover
Sexy. It appears to be the blonde chick with lots of lipstick on, her lips are so shiny that there is a star shining off the bottom of it. She is kneeling and you can see a bit of a bikini that she is wearing. The hot Danish DJ guy appears to be having sex with her doggie-style and he appears to be enjoying it, as he has a sly smile. Do comment if you think this is not the case.
Booklet
Booklets are very important. They are the reason you pay for an album instead of downloading and burning the tracks. Well our reason anyway. The booklet continues the sexual theme. There's lots of black, neon lights in pretty colours, and sexy sexy pictures. On the first page there's a shot of the hot Danish DJ guy putting his hand around sexy blonde singer chick as though she has just said "be rough with me, I like it like that, boy" in an "our Mary" kind of accent. On the next page is the hot Danish DJ guy showing a bit of chest and looking alarmingly like Andreas from Alcazar and there is are fingers and fingernails on his shoulders, possibly indicating the hot blonde singer chick grabbing
him to ask for more (sex, that is). What follow are more sultry pics. There is a very Deborah Harry one where the hot blonde singer chick appears to have used up several tubes of mascara on her eyes. And she also appears to be quite flat chested. Or her boobs are pointing in a funny direction. The centrepiece shot is of a couple of hot guys looking lustfully at a girl kneeling seductively on a stage in frilly white bikini type outfits. The next page is the hot blonde singer chick feeling her tummy. Maybe she wasn't feeling well. Then there's a very Alcazar shot of the hot blonde singer chick looking bored while hot Danish DJ guy has a funny look on his face as though he's looking at a mobile phone, but there's no mobile phone! And he's wearing a hot white suit with a very very nice long green tie. It's kind of a bit like the one on the left, but not really. Much cooler.The songs!
00 Big ride f*ckers (Intro)
I love intro tracks! tATu did it on Dangerous and Moving to admittedly very little effect, but this is good. No lyrics, so no swearing unfortunately. But there are lots of grunty car noises!
01 From Paris To Berlin
You know how good this song sounds! You know it makes you drive fast! You think of the video which features bikinis, pink and blue motorbikes, computers, and semen! The song itself is the perfect mix of lyrics, of melody, of attitude, of beat, of little cool synthy noises, of "wo-oh", of a "teasing" that sounds like a "seizing". It sounds great loud, or even sounds great soft over your work colleauge's tinny radio in the office that you think they shouldn't really have. And the middle 8 features the famous "ah, ah ah, ah, wo-oh, wo-oh, wo-oh" and then a little guitary bit and more funny noises and a quite little chorus before thumping back into it big-time.
02 I Took A Ride (Fairytale) feat. Adam Powers
Oooh! It's got fairytale and horseriding noises (not like in Belinda Carlisle's horsey track, less obvious than those ones). It's a DUET! A dance duet! It's all about a guy whose got a girl who may or may not have been faithful, people are saying stuff about her! But he enjoyed it anyway. That's why it's a fairytale. He starts off, and then hot blonde singer chick "Lina" comes in: I know sometimes I'm just out there/and I know sometimes I can flirt a bit too much [SLUT!]. She admits it! And then she has the cheek to say It's not up to me/if I'm somebody's fantasy. Ooh and then there's a great bit he sings Don't Lie! And she sings No I won't lie! Amazing!03 Keen On Disco
Already been played in Australia on 105.7 Radio Metro on the Gold Coast where they know great fun summer dance music. Hot blonde singer chick knows her disco. It pulses. Oooh. And then there's the amazing lyric When you nibble my ear/the bass is softly bumpin' and caressin' my rear/you make me soft n sweet/and you're confusing me with every magic electric beat. SEX!
04 Cheap Trick - The silent movie (Intro)
Infernal are clever. They've got a little bit that sounds like a French cafe, to make you think you're in a French cafe! This is the first of several French touches on the album...
05 Cheap Trick Kinda' Girl Cult of Noise
This is an awesome track. The lyrics are simple. About a cheap trick kinda girl. Whatever that is. But it's pretty bad I think, cos she knows it's a sin. The tune is infectious and they've enlisted some famous accordian player to play the accordian, and it's pretty darn good.
06 Ultimate Control feat. John Rock
Well this is all very dramatic. There is thunder! It's about some kind of psycho guy. This chick you see, gave this guy her heart, her soul, she gave him all to make him whole but it's not enough girl. This song has an awesome little electroey beat. Fuck it's good.
07 Vienna
More European city name-dropping! Aren't you cool?!!! Well you've gotta forgive them, cos it's just perfect. Another night-driving song, cruise around Lake Burley-Griffin with this one playing and you'll feel like you're there, walking the cold winter streets of the Austrian capital. The lyrics remind me of Belinda Carlisle's La Luna: The warmth of your hand and a cold grey sky it fades to the distance. And there is a big exciting bit where you hear nothing to me about a hundred times and then hot blonde singer chick goes OHHHHHHHH VIENNAAAAAAAAA! and you can dance dance dance the night away. And then it goes all pretty at the end.
08 Dressed In Blue
This song is all about sex. Seriously. And is a bit ABBA-ish too. Always a good thing. It's all about sex, and I'm assuming they are naked, but possibly he still has some form of blue garment on. He likes to tie her up: No greater mood/than when I can't move at all/when tied by you/my servitude sets me free. It's about domination! It has haunting little choral bits! And more sexual lyrics!: I know when you cum round i've got to give in/when it glows/and it flows/and your fire breaks through/my every moan is for you. And then the whole song changes completely into the sort of French soccer anthem that silly French people sing at weddings, parties, etc. La la la la in a big chanty sort of way. Love it!
09 Careful With The Boys
Hot blonde singer chick passes on lessons to young females/gay men about their burgeoning sexuality! Ooh ooh gotta be careful with the boys/yeah be careful with the boys/cos they're more than just your toys...didn't your mama teach you that/they'll be coming back.
10 Deeper Still
Think Infernal doing Motorcycle's As the Rush Comes and you've got it. Perfect for a mild summer's night around Canberra's country roads. Has the lines Walls are morphine and feelin' oozy feelin high feeling lighter than a sigh. Great!
11 Bass driven Music
This doesn't have hot blonde singer chick, just some guy saying "bass driven music" a lot.
12 Balagan (Hava nagila) - feat. Uri
This one features a lot of name dropping - Infernal being chanted and then loads of silly French soccer fans singing la la la etc. It's pretty awful really but we at PopGoesCanberra forgive them!
13 Banjo Thing feat. Red$tar
Imagine a Vengaboys track or Steps 5678, with lots of lyrics about motherfuckers sung by a guy with a gruff voice! How rude!
14 Sunday Morning March
I think this is supposed to calm you down after all the excitement. I suppose it does!
VERDICT: You've got to buy this album. Please note that the tracklsting on the Australian album is completely wrong. Bit of a stuffup with the prnting/typesetting/whatever. The CD is fine though.
PopGoesCanberra GoesToTasmania Part 1
Insular, reclusive, paranoid. Terms used to describe the rogue states of North Korea and Tasmania appear all too frequently in the newspapers these days, conjuring up images of scrawny gymnasts, poor mobile phone reception and sports stadiums full of blue vein cheese samples. As one would expect, the competition between the two states in gourmet food, wood turning and political repression is fierce, with bitter rivalries rising to the surface every year at mass public events. In the case of Pyongyang – Kim Jong-il’s birthday celebrations. In Hobart – the Taste of Tasmania annual summer food and wine festival. This summer, Pop Goes Canberra ventures deep into the axis of evil to investigate this breath-taking phenomenon. The result? A heart-warming insight into the lives of ordinary Tasmanian citizens, struggling to survive in this former prison colony turned nanny-goat state. In this sensational posting, PGC will reveal how these stoic, southerly people are standing proud and resolute as Supre continues its invasion into their remote penal outpost, tightening its vice-like grip on the vulnerable inhabitants as we speak.
A Tasmanian woman clad in Supre combines military drill training with seaside activities, goose-stepping across the beach at a popular coastal resort. Until recently, national security experts at ANU believed that the prevalence of camouflage prints and khaki shades among Supre’s ‘southern summer range’ was a reliable gauge of Tasmania’s military aspirations. PGC can now reveal that the emphasis on blacks, corals and board shorts points to a new era of amphibious warfare.
The first evidence of Tasmania’s extreme isolationist policies came almost immediately as PGC emerged from Hobart airport, exhausted from relentless interrogation by intelligence officers who demanded to know if we had any fruit or vegetables we wished to dispose of before proceeding to the baggage collection area. Luckily, PGC had been warned in advance that such a request might be made, and had secreted a large stash of prunes in our boogie board bag before leaving Canberra. Such is the jealous fervour with which Tasmania guards its agrarian economy, it frequently rejects offers of international aid under the flimsy excuse of ‘quarantine.’
Border security - Tasmanian style. An expertly trained sniffer-Devil causes PGC angst at Hobart airport, lingering over our photographic equipment until a bribe of a free Qantas headset is offered to his handler. Then, in an amusing display of playfulness, the sniffer-Devil poses for a photograph with PGC. We understand that the devil was arrested shortly afterwards for fraternising with imperialist invaders and emulating Inspector Rex. His fate is unknown.
Criticised by many as an ostentatious display of culinary might designed to intimidate foreign visitors, the Taste of Tasmania showcases the finest tidbits of this quaint agrarian culture every year in a large barnyard situated in the demilitarised zone near the city centre. Peasants, workers and intellectuals mingle freely as they queue up to receive their rations of shitake mushroom pizza, Thai-crusted scallops and raspberry brulee. PGC was not to be fooled, however, by the rustic charm of the maritime setting, nor the unseasonally fine weather. As temperatures soared towards a searing 16°C, PGC’s attention was drawn to the ominous signs of political repression, demonstrated most poignantly by signs announcing the state-wide prohibition on slouching.
In a typical example of over-zealous state control on posture, signs prohibiting leaning against wooden structures appear throughout the festival venue. When PGC approached this Hobart local for comment, she refused to respond. PGC later learned that this woman was aged 25.
It is entirely possible that this woman had only recently been released from one of the many prison farms dotted throughout the country-side. Readers will not be surprised to learn that it has suspected for decades that political dissent is controlled in Tasmania by deporting suspected dissidents to rural locations for agrarian re-education. As PGC discovered, religious advocates, disgraced former athletes and disaffected journalists are more than likely responsible for producing some of the state’s most celebrated wines, compotes and soft cheeses.
PGC snatches a rare glimpse of a Tasmanian labour camp, where a middle aged man - a former university professor perhaps - places his life in danger by toiling diligently beneath a known ozone hole.
Those accused of more serious crimes against the state share a more ominous fate: forced participation in an alternative lifestyle retreat. Here, citizens suspected of posing an immediate threat to the leadership are isolated and purged of their ‘disloyalties’ in a controlled setting.
Information from Tasmanians who have managed to escape to the mainland after release from such institutions say inmates are subjected to punishing meditation regimes, exposed to dangerous auras and used as guinea pigs in controversial medical experiments involving kinesiology and interpretive dance.
Despite the ever present risk of arrest for leaning in a public place, Tasmanians continue to converge in their thousands on their capital city each year in a desperate attempt to impress their remote, laconic leader. PGC is unable to speculate why this is so. Brainwashing, say some analysts. Other commentators point to the ever present threat of deportation to a Crystals and Rainbows or, alternately, compulsory participation in ghost tours of Port Arthur.
The more likely answer, as far as PGC is concerned, is the tremendous charisma radiated by the Great Leader, Premier Paul Lennon, and his ability to mobilise vast sectors of the population with his boyish good looks and magnetic, paternal gaze.
Cult of the personality
Great Leader - The Hon Paul Lennon MHA was sworn in as Tasmania’s 42nd Premier on 21 March 2004. Premier Lennon, feared and admired by his constituents, marks his birthday every year by a state-wide holiday: an event for which Tasmanians commence preparing up to 12 months in advance.
Famine
The Great Leader’s stubborn insistence on the policy of ‘self-reliance’ is hindering attempts to diversify and develop the economy. Residents in rural areas are the most likely to suffer from food shortages due to bizarre agricultural policies during the 1990s that led to an over-reliance on gourmet foodstuffs, craft and pottery. ‘There’s only so much marinated feta and Anvers fudge your body can handle,’ PGC was told by a peasant labourer from the state’s southern provinces, who did not wish to be named. ‘After a while, you become so desperate you’ll consider eating almost anything just to get some variety into your diet.’ An Amnesty International spokesperson reported that this was a familiar scenario: ‘There are rumours of people in the remote southern highlands resorting to eating quince paste on plain water crackers. Our sources say that supplies of poppy seeds in the area are almost completely exhausted – although the government refuses to confirm or deny this.’ PGC was disturbed to learn that the food security situation is set to worsen over the coming winter. According to aid agencies and human rights advocates, production targets of staple food items such as leatherwood honey, truffles and smoked salmon are set to plummet despite desperate pleas by farmers for government assistance.
Pitiful offerings of aged Gewurztraminer and Pinot Gris characterise the typical Tasmanian diet, which WHO officials believe may be placing the population at risk of malnutrition.
Although PGC had braced ourselves for evidence of starvation, nothing could have prepared us for the scenes of depravity in the garment and footwear industries. The more squeamish among you should be warned that the following image contains signs of animal cruelty:
Young Tasmanian women resort to poaching Tasmanian tigers and fashioning primitive footwear out of their skins.
It would be all too easy to cast judgment on the citizens of Tasmania for their deplorable behaviour (although it would answer a few questions about the cause of the tiger’s extinction) and PGC resisted the temptation. After all, similar tales of wardrobe scavenging are common among reports by human rights activists and expatriates living abroad in exile. Harsh restrictions on fashion retailing triggered a resurgence in handicraft during the arduous march of the 1990s. But this trend appears to have been replaced by an even more sinister form of repression: Supre. Throughout the farthest reaches of this tiny island State, PGC found disturbing evidence of gratuitous accessorising, tasteless flounce and shameless short-shorts (apparently, a response to fabric rationing). A harmless coincidence? Or chilling example of totalitarian conformity?
Members of Hobart’s gilded youth bask in the sunshine, blissfully unaware of the autocratic power structure dictating their wardrobe options.
But the decaying grandeur of this orbiting satellite state was not lost of PGC – although the 
standard of accommodation was slightly below what we are accustomed to in Canberra. Nevertheless, after a few days in Hobart, PGC began to be seduced by the thin veneer of egalitarian bliss coating the state’s fine architecture: a dim reminder of the cradle-to-grave security so familiar to us as long-time residents of Canberra.
While the paranoid state claims to support freedom of association, membership of state-sanctioned organisations is widely regarded as essential for political and personal advancement.
As PGC edged further and further away from the city centre, opportunities to observe citizens in a less contrived environment became increasingly frequent. PGC visited a typical bookshop in the northern part of the capital. Here, we found jittery Hobartians perusing the shelves, desperate to gather any scraps of information about the outside world that may have escaped the attention of the censors.
In a typical nervous gesture, our subject wears dark glasses to evade recognition by neighbours, children and other informants as he scans the titles on offer, lending credence to the popular saying that in the book shops of Hobart, even the walls have hidden cameras.
Geopolitical Tensions
According to PGC’s sources, security analysts aver that the biggest test of Melbourne-Hobart realpolitik in 2006 may be airport and maritime security in the northern seaports of Burnie and Devonport, as Victoria attempts to stem the illegal migration of Tasmanians to mainland Australia. Official government documents – suppressed until now – describe the increasingly desperate tactics used by asylum seekers to reach Victorian territorial waters and recommend that security be increased at all northern points of international departure.
A father and son make a frantic dash for freedom in a hastily assembled catamaran, ill-suited to the choppy conditions of Bass Strait. Dreams of a better life in Victoria spur thousands of Tasmanians to attempt this method of escape every year - few survive the crossing. Analysts from mainland think-tanks suspect that the Sydney to Hobart yacht race has inspired many locals to undertake the perilous journey.
The heavily guarded seaport of Bridport is just one such example of the regime’s determination to fortify the passenger terminal and prevent the flow of would-be defectors across the maritime border. PGC was denied access to the interior of this austere military installation and was asked to leave the area shortly after this photograph was taken.
PopGoesCanberraGoesToTasmania...
...is coming up!
Both entities that make up PopGoesCanberra (including former guest writer ROBYN!) are doing the tour of Tassie's beaches this summer, and we will bring you all the action...
Where are the beaches better? Canberra or Tasmania? I predict a shoe-in from Tassie.
Where are the bogans better? Could be a tight one. Could be another winner from Tassie. Numerous visits to Northgate Glenorchy Shopping Centre and K-Mart in Launceston will be required. So far the award goes to the young Dad getting out of his car with two cigarettes in his mouth ready to hand one to his lady who was holding one of her babies under her arm.
Both entities that make up PopGoesCanberra (including former guest writer ROBYN!) are doing the tour of Tassie's beaches this summer, and we will bring you all the action...
Where are the beaches better? Canberra or Tasmania? I predict a shoe-in from Tassie.
Where are the bogans better? Could be a tight one. Could be another winner from Tassie. Numerous visits to Northgate Glenorchy Shopping Centre and K-Mart in Launceston will be required. So far the award goes to the young Dad getting out of his car with two cigarettes in his mouth ready to hand one to his lady who was holding one of her babies under her arm.
Kiss the Giss 2006 Demo Song
A demo version of Laura Gissara feat. Bomfunk MCs, Shirley Clamp and Enya "Down Under (The Aussie World Cup Song 2006)" has been produced.
I encourage you all to download and have a listen by clicking here.
Take note of the Finnish, Swedish, Australian, French and Gaelic influences. Now all it needs is that Italian Giss touch and sparkling production from Chanel, Tiffani and In-Grid's Bega Valley Studios (BVS).
What's Hot and What's Not: December 2005
What's Hot
1. Fyshwick Markets - Get Fresh!
The best place to shop in Canberra. Huge variety of people wandering around hot and sweaty looking for great meat, fish, cheese, fruit and vegies at great prices...and FINDING THEM! Yay for them! Asparagus for 99c a bunch...avocados 99c each...Russian garlic (blessed by tATu perhaps?) for $2.99 a bag...99c/kg
for fresh Fuji apples...$2.99 for 700g Free Range Eggs...29c/kg for watermelon...$39.90/kg Morbier cheese...2 BBQ chooks for $9.99...it's brilliant! And that's not even mentioning the seller men who shout at you things about mangoes and peaches and bananas and have funny "rhymes" like "lovely lovely... lovely...mangoes.... wanna try a mango...madam?...madam...na na na na na banana!" How cheery! Why go to Coles Manuka and get that ice maiden 15yo kid service when you get actual friendly 15yo kids and Asian women who know their vegies!
2. Warm weather
Don't go!
3. Madonna "Hung up"
Face it, it's brilliant. I'm not hearing it enough though around Canberra. More please! Still a James Blunt overdose here...
What's Not
1. Action Buses
You'd think I would have learned my lesson yeah? No. The other day I got a lift in to work and thought I might take the bus home. Surely I would be sitting amongst a normal crowd of people and not struck by some smelly man? Not on your life.
I sit down on the one empty seat and I'm opposite this man who sells pictures around the city...harmless enough, but going on and on about something or other using the word "domination" a lot. No idea why.
The smell on this bus, honestly, it was like teenage girl BO mixed with their cheapy Impulse deodorant or whatever it is they use these days mixed with mandarin peel mixed with cigarette smoke mixed with unwashed bums on seats x 10 years. Not hot!
2. Horrible corporate entities buying your gym
Imagine this...you're bending over swilling water from the water fountain during your workout when you realise (on reading the notice placed next to the fountain) that your quality independent classy $800 a year gym has just been taken over by a horrible "chain" gym and that "nothing will change!" Nothing! Yeah right! You are going to have to pay to get a professional program done, previously free. Oh but wait, they will have complimentary DVD hire! You join a gym, to go to the gym, and get fit, yet they won't give you
complimentary/included instruction on how to get fit, but they will give you a DVD to take home and watch. That's very sensible. The next day I'm on the gym floor and this guy walks in, he looks like a cross between a sleazy hotel concierge and a sleazy Cash Converters worker. Wearing all black. Long sleeved black shirt, in the gym. With then name of the gym chain in its girly branded glory on the back collar. How ridiculous. No more nice casual, sporty t-shirts. Just icky icky uniforms! And you know what, apparently they are going to install turnstiles! Lack of trust galore! And you know what, they've already put complaints forms on the counter, permanently. Like they are expecting complaints! Well you know what, they're gonna get some from PopGoesCanberra!
1. Fyshwick Markets - Get Fresh!
The best place to shop in Canberra. Huge variety of people wandering around hot and sweaty looking for great meat, fish, cheese, fruit and vegies at great prices...and FINDING THEM! Yay for them! Asparagus for 99c a bunch...avocados 99c each...Russian garlic (blessed by tATu perhaps?) for $2.99 a bag...99c/kg
for fresh Fuji apples...$2.99 for 700g Free Range Eggs...29c/kg for watermelon...$39.90/kg Morbier cheese...2 BBQ chooks for $9.99...it's brilliant! And that's not even mentioning the seller men who shout at you things about mangoes and peaches and bananas and have funny "rhymes" like "lovely lovely... lovely...mangoes.... wanna try a mango...madam?...madam...na na na na na banana!" How cheery! Why go to Coles Manuka and get that ice maiden 15yo kid service when you get actual friendly 15yo kids and Asian women who know their vegies! 2. Warm weather
Don't go!
3. Madonna "Hung up"
Face it, it's brilliant. I'm not hearing it enough though around Canberra. More please! Still a James Blunt overdose here...
What's Not
1. Action Buses
You'd think I would have learned my lesson yeah? No. The other day I got a lift in to work and thought I might take the bus home. Surely I would be sitting amongst a normal crowd of people and not struck by some smelly man? Not on your life.
I sit down on the one empty seat and I'm opposite this man who sells pictures around the city...harmless enough, but going on and on about something or other using the word "domination" a lot. No idea why.
The smell on this bus, honestly, it was like teenage girl BO mixed with their cheapy Impulse deodorant or whatever it is they use these days mixed with mandarin peel mixed with cigarette smoke mixed with unwashed bums on seats x 10 years. Not hot!
2. Horrible corporate entities buying your gym
Imagine this...you're bending over swilling water from the water fountain during your workout when you realise (on reading the notice placed next to the fountain) that your quality independent classy $800 a year gym has just been taken over by a horrible "chain" gym and that "nothing will change!" Nothing! Yeah right! You are going to have to pay to get a professional program done, previously free. Oh but wait, they will have complimentary DVD hire! You join a gym, to go to the gym, and get fit, yet they won't give you
complimentary/included instruction on how to get fit, but they will give you a DVD to take home and watch. That's very sensible. The next day I'm on the gym floor and this guy walks in, he looks like a cross between a sleazy hotel concierge and a sleazy Cash Converters worker. Wearing all black. Long sleeved black shirt, in the gym. With then name of the gym chain in its girly branded glory on the back collar. How ridiculous. No more nice casual, sporty t-shirts. Just icky icky uniforms! And you know what, apparently they are going to install turnstiles! Lack of trust galore! And you know what, they've already put complaints forms on the counter, permanently. Like they are expecting complaints! Well you know what, they're gonna get some from PopGoesCanberra!
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