Lyrical analysis of Guy Sebastian's "Elevator Love"

Prompted by the ridiculous faux-Swedishness of Guy Sebastian's latest effort, I was spurred into listening to the lyrics after trying to sing Since U Been Gone/4 Ever/Just Want You to Know/U+Ur Hand over the top of the melody.

I ripped these lyrics off a Christian blog that is quite popular (if only mine were so) and is quite a fan of Guy.

This isn't going to be very in-depth, I warn you.

If I could, I would
Do it again, I’d do it again


I wouldn’t change a thing

Kylie reference!

We have love, and lose love
And do it again, and do it again

Catchy bit again!

But that’s just how we are
We come back just to throw it all away

Delta Goodrem reference!

Tell me it’s over
So we can do it all again
I’m addicted to this elevator love

First reference to an elevator! Strange given that the video is set in an elevator, and the name of the song revolves around the elevator. Makes me think of that great episode of Police Rescue where there was a small earthquake in Sydney and the whole episode was set inside a lift shaft and it made my palms and feet sweat as a 10 year old!

Tell me you miss me
And I will come back for one more day
I’m addicted to this elevator love
Elevator love

Well he certainly loves his elevator lovin'! Good on you, Guy. Nothing wrong with public places. But there certainly is no graphic detail of your elevator love...

We laugh, we cry
And do it again, do it again
We go to hell and back
But there’s something ’bout you

Jamelia reference!

I can’t keep away
Just can’t keep away
We know we’ll crash down
But I don’t want it any other way

Over and over and over we fall
We go up to come down, just to turn it around
And face it all again

Boring bit...


Well that's all a bit boring isn't it! Reminds me a bit though of a great scene where Phil and Debbie were getting it on in the lift at St Hughes on The Bill. It was HOT. Guy should have done something like that in his clip. Or described it in the lyrics.

Really, this song is just a big disappointment. It attempts to be Swedish, yet fails in its mediocrity. The lack of depth in the lyrics points to crapness.

Like Anthony Callea, who for some silly reason went to Italy to write songs for his album, Guy should book a flight to Stockholm immediately. Or not, so as to leave space in the writing huts for Shirley Clamp, Linda Bengtzing, etc, etc.

Jangly piano appreciation

  • Ten Miles by Infernal - it feature's some great jangly piano!
  • Keane's album Hopes and Fears - wonderful jangly piano! I'm not sure if their second album features as much, but I hope so!
  • ABBA's If It Wasn't for the Nights - absolutely chock full of jangly piano!

Why not post your favourite jangly piano as a comment?

Things that have been exciting this year

I simply can't do the amazing sort of lists like I'm Always Right and Popjustice because a) I can't be bothered and b) I don't have enough money to buy loads of music and c) I no longer work in the music industry in any way, shape or form, so I a) haven't really got into music as much as usual this year and b) there hasn't REALLY been that much good stuff around. IMO.

So I thought I'd do a very casual little list about exciting things. And include movies. Yeah, that's a good idea.


Halcyon Days is an awesome album. It's not as exciting as Protoype, mainly because I find tracks 6, 7 and 8 to be a bit shit. But the rest is just amazing and they have kept coming up with some incredible videos. This is why they are greatest pop band around at the moment (click play!)

It has flying dogs and other cool stuff! Just amazing.

What's something else I enjoyed this year. Well Infernal were really slack and cancelled their tour to Australia, instead deciding to stay and promote From Paris to Berlin in the UK. Bastards. But they did come up with an amazing new cover of Self Control which has a great video featuring lots of liquids and things:

It's quite wonderful.

Oooh and I almost forgot - Lucky by Lucky Twice! Two random Swedish girls singing a happy song, and the video features glow-worms! And it features a great lyric: Even though you said it would never end it's over/You were smiling on my arm now you're crying on my shoulder, and "over" and "shoulder" is pronounced in that wonderful Swedish/American accent!

What else.

Girls Aloud, September, Da Buzz, Marie Serneholdt, Dannii Minogue etc were all still rather good, but everything I've listened to this year and really got into...was from last year. How disappointing really. I've just bought a Sony Walkman MP3 player, so maybe that will get me a bit more excited. But I can see myself listening to lots of old music really!

Well what's reasonably exciting at the moment. How about this song:

My Love by Justin Timberlake. It has all these little synthy sounds in it that just sound very cool. And it also has a line about Justin's toes in the sand! That would get any person who is into feet going for days, especially given that he brought sexy back.

I saw loads of good movies this year.

Matchpoint: this was quite sexual. Look at the photo! It was my first Woody Allen movie.
Jindabyne: it was quite exciting to see this movie, because I know the actual place Jindabyne quite well. It was very dreamy and made me feel all funny. Could have had a better ending. It was very exciting and now every time I see a horrible looking man driving a ute, I say it looks like a Jindabyne Car!

Over the Hedge: the first kids' movie I'd seen in AGES and I really enjoyed it. Despite the presence of Avril Lavigne.

The Da Vinci Code: yeah it wasn't as good as the book, but it really wasn't that bad. I hope they do Angels and Demons soon, because that should be way better.

Borat: very very very very funny. "Orange water panties" is my favourite line.
Little Miss Sunshine: oh gosh, this was just beautiful. Beautiful! I just BURST out crying when the guy finds out he can't be a fighter pilot because he is colourblind, because I would love to be a pilot and am also a bit colourblind.

Brokeback Mountain: well this made me cry when Heath smells the other bloke's shirt. So sad.

Charlotte's Web: I cried for half the movie. I just couldn't help myself.

Hidden: This was mysterious.

Flightplan: Ooh now this WAS enjoyable. I love planes.

Volver: This was just LOVELY and makes me want to go to Spain and tend my grave.

The Black Dahlia: I didn't understand HALF of it. But it was still quite good.

The Prestige: Oh now this was VERY good. Thoroughly enjoyable.

C-R-A-Z-Y: Now this was AMAZING. Loved it. Except the bit in the desert. That was silly.

Friends with Money: This was LOVELY. Not really a cinema movie but it was a lovely little tale.
V for Vendetta: Thorougly enjoyable!

Transamerica: Just LOVELY.

I've just realised I'd be a really CRAP film reviewer. But you get the gist surely?

Scourge of popular music

Sorry to be so negative, but really, I've had it up to here with these awful artists, they are desperately attempting to spoil my listening of the local radio station. They can all be lumped into the same category of hideousness:

Ben Harper

What a wanker. As soon as I hear a radio announcer say "here's a great new song from Ben Harper" I switch to ABC Newsradio. Ugh. Why listen to him when you could listen to Natalie Imbruglia's Come September?

Jack Johnson

Ugh. His cruisy laidback tones infuriate me. If someone offered me a free ride from Sydney to Brisbane and they said the soundtrack would be Ben Harper, no way would I accept. I have nothing against surfing mind you. His music is just awful. And he's so povo that he couldn't put off the photographer until a day when the weather was fine. Why listen to him when you could listen to Lisa Miskovsky's Sing to Me?

James Blunt

Just hideous. I mean really. Why listen to James Blunt when you could listen to Girls Aloud's Watch Me Go?






Dannii Minogue and Andrew O'Keefe, acoustic version of You Won't Forget About Me in front of Casino Canberra!

Selections for your viewing pleasure

The ultimate in lazy blogging - picking a whole bunch of video clips for you to watch....


Dramatic production but what annoys me about this is that you hardly see his feet. It's just WEIRD.



She sounds like a hideous lazy mutant of Missy Higgins and Kasey Chambers. Just hideous.

Sydney-Canberra trip

What's good:

  1. Great snack on the Dash-8 - King Island Camembert, Sundried tomato dip, biscuits, red wine and water.
  2. Getting there fast.
  3. Awesome Italian bistro in Surry Hills: cheap, amazing, homely food. Can't remember the name of it.
  4. Bills Woolhara for breakfast. Yummy scrambled eggs.
What's shit:

  1. Horrible snack on the jet - pretzels and rice crackers. Ugh.
  2. Planes with not one single person on it who you find sexy.
  3. Idiot travellers with huge cabin baggage meaning it takes ages to get on the plane.
  4. Funny smelling taxi drivers.
  5. Rain.

Mile High: in the air and up the mountain

On the coldest Canberra night in two years, the amazing UK drama/comedy Mile High returned to Australia's screens. What a pleasure.

Thank you Channel Seven for bringing this little touch of the wonderful FRESH lifestyle to us over this cold period. But why so late at night? This should be prime time viewing.

Meanwhile the ski resorts are finally open. Hurry up and open up Blue Cow and Guthega dear Perisher and I will be up there in a flash.

What's hot and what's not in Canberra food and drink

What's HOT

Deek's Bakery. Awesome grain-free, tasty, high protein breads, fresh pasta, lovely warm wooden feel, young multicultural looking, professional staff and all blessed by Robert deCastella.

Sabayon. Third in the Aubergine and Courgette restaurant trilogy, it offers beautiful food, beautiful (spunky staff) service, beautiful white tablecloths at value prices. Best place for guaranteed great experience in Civic.

Happys. Best after a few drinks on a Friday night and a little banquet with people you don't really know. Try not to start a food fight.

Jim Murphy's Market Cellars. Jim Murphy on the ad seems as though he's enjoyed quite a bit of his own wares. Great prices and spunky, genuinely friendly and helpful staff.

Gus'. Awesome soup, great on a winter's night, spunky, flirtatious staff.

What's NOT

. We had horrible food and horrible service there last year. Now the fact that it is awful has been picked up on by the fabulous Wendy Johnson of CityNews magazine. Word is spreading.

Canberra Centre Food Court. So sick of it. Lower the prices and up the choice please.

Ardeche. I felt sick after eating here. Icky. And it aint French.

Belgian Beer Cafe. Overpriced food and standoffish service.

MeccaBah. Nowhere near as much fun in the winter as the summer, the staff are a bit too friendly and the food is overpriced.

Basa fish. Anywhere. It's from the Mekong River and tastes like mud. And it's the only sort of fish you can get at most takeaway shops in Canberra. Disgusting.

Why don't pool parties like THIS happen in Canberra?

Well, probably because:

  • Canberra isn't exactly the Cote d'Azur
  • There aren't that many hot Swedes in Canberra
  • Canberrans don't listen to quality pop music like this (except PopGoesCanberra)

Here's a call for any Canberrans who have a pool like this and who love Da Buzz, do you wanna make tonight the night?

Rant rant rant: vintage cars and the Top 50

First of all, vintage cars SUCK. Yes they really do. I was trying to get home from the south coast yesterday in a decent amount of time, no intention of speeding, just a safe speed slightly under the limit to save petrol. There was this really annoying non-descript truck (with a concealed number plate I might add) that went at a decent speed on a straight flat bits, then crawled up hills. There were about twenty cars behind it, mine being one of them. So, to replicate the success of a short-cut I had taken coming down on Thursday, I zipped off through a side-street in Braidwood.


Worse short-cut ever!

I, along with several others who decided to follow, got stuck behind a horse and carriage! Hello! Why the HELL would you go on a horse and carriage in BRAIDWOOD???? Why? We have cars! It'll spoil the experience for you when you really want to go on a horse and carriage in Vienna (home of Inspector Rex), Salzburg, or somewhere equally romantic and Austrian, when you are pining for some clop clop on cobblestones.

To make it worse, being stuck behind the horse and carriage gave time for a whole FLEET of VINTAGE CARS to pull out onto the single-lane highway between Braidwood and Canberra. What is WRONG with these people? These cars are DANGEROUS. Go and drive on your own roads!!! What if I was trying to ge to the airport on time? What if I had a woman in labour in my car? You get in the way and people are already driving like nutcases on Easter Sunday and here you are, getting in the way in your little "hobbies." You might say I like vintage cars, you like Swedish pop music, each to their own. Well no, it doesn't work like that, because your hobby annoys thousands of other road users. Mine doesn't, I have the windows shut, thank you very much.

Now for the Top 50. I've decided to class the current ARIA singles chart into "Shit", "Not quite as shit" and "Not really very shit at all" categories. Just for fun.


LOVE GENERATION Bob Sinclar (derivative shit)
PUMP IT Black Eyed Peas
GRILLZ Nelly featuring Paul Wall, Ali & Gipp
ALL I HEAR Kate Alexa (you're not very good you Australian girl)
GOODBYE MY LOVER James Blunt (ultimate in shit)
NASTY GIRL Notorious B.I.G.
GASOLINA Daddy Yankee
ANYTHING FOR YOU Lee Harding (my WORD you are unattractive)
JUST FEEL BETTER Santana (just unbelievably hideous)
RUN IT! Chris Brown (you are too young to "run it", whatever that involves)
OPPORTUNITY Pete Murray (Jamie Durie wannabe)
WASABI Lee Harding (my word you are ugly, what is wrong with you little girls?)
FAR AWAY Nickelback
PUT YOUR RECORDS ON Corinne Bailey Rae (just because the papers say you are good doesn't mean you are)
IS IT JUST ME? The Darkness
WAKE UP The Living End
ONE CROWDED HOUR Augie March (Augie. Imagine being called Augie.)
REAL SOON Snoop Dogg


FLAUNT IT TV Rock (no comment)
BEEP The Pussycat Dolls Feat. Will.I.Am (I want to hear what's behind the beeps please!)
YOU RAISE ME UP Westlife (well at least it's pop)
STUPID GIRLS P!nk (not really very good, really)
TOUCH THE SKY Kanye West Feat. Lupe Fiasco (interesting)
L.O.V.E. Ashlee Simpson (no comment)
WALK AWAY Kelly Clarkson (too many good looking people in video clip, I don't agree)
LIFT Shannon Noll (much better after being made The Biggest Loser theme)


TOGETHER WE ARE ONE Delta Goodrem (heart-warming!)
WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART The Veronicas (is this Swedish written like the first two singles?)
FADED Kate DeAraugo (Kelly Clarkson-esque as Kate proclaims herself!)
WATCHING YOU Rogue Traders (I loved seeing Natalie on Thank God You're Here, she was so pretty)
SORRY Madonna (oh yes we know you're good)
NEVER SAY NEVER Vandalism (surprisingly saucy)
UGLY Sugababes
HUNG UP Madonna

I *heart* Kim Watkins: superstar

David Reyne and Kim Watkins along with their team of experts provide topical information, conversation and practical tools to get viewers through the day with warmth and humour. 9AM with David & Kim is "all about you".

It is indeed all about me! Me me me! I love David and Kim. Particularly Kim. She's such a champion. She's a race car driver you know, she came 3rd in the celebrity challenge at the Grand Prix this year. I love the way she puts her arm over the back of the couch. And she tossles and jossles with Dave and then smiles heartily, at the camera, saying to me "oh isn't he silly". Love it. Nothing better than getting in to work late and watching David and Kim bantering. Good on you guys for giving it a good go!

Sextuplet faker hair shock

The background is here.

But just look at his hair, LOOK! What was he thinking?!

What's Hot or Not Autumn 2006

This is in no particular order...


1. Punch

Preferably weak and then getting stronger as the night goes on...add some juice...and you end up wonderfully sloshed amongst fine company at a wonderful Canberra house party.

2. The back page of The Sydney Morning Herald

It's so darn funny. I spend all day...well 20 minutes anyway reading "Stay in Touch", "Heckler" and "Column 8".

3. Delta Goodrem Together we are one

Thank goodness they've woken up to themselves and are releasing this as a single. I got goosebumps while watching her at the Commonwealth Games. Come back to our shores if the Americans don't want you you silly tart.

4. Infernal coming to Australia

Oh how exciting is this! Very! I want to see sexy blonde chick and hot Danish guy LIVE please. My prayers have been answered. April 21 in Sydney.

5. Sex

It's not bad is it.

6. Today Tonight

Did I just say that? There are now more bogans on Neighbours than TT now. Today Tonight is roaring through the ratings and good on 'em. They do trash so WELL. It's worth watching just for Naomi Robson's little remarks.

7. The Biggest Loser

More trash done well. And it's Australian too! Go you good things. Especially Kristie...she's pretty!

8. Survivor - Panama

I hate Survivor. But wait...we found ourselves watching it tonight. Not just for Aras the yoga lavender-loving man but also the team names...YOUNGER MEN...YOUNGER WOMEN...OLDER MEN...OLDER WOMEN...unless you're into animals, there is something for EVERYBODY!!! It's like the ideal dating scene.

9. Coffee in Manuka on a warm sunny Sunday afternoon with the Sun-Herald.

Eat greasy chips, drink latte, get your feet red and read "S". It doesn't get much better.

10. Melbourne

Sexiest city in Australia.


1. Heaving buses roaring past on Constitution Avenue.

You smell! You are loud! And you are filled with people silly enough not to take a car to work!

2. Bridge works on Kings Avenue Bridge.

Over it!

3. Sunglasses combined with an mp3 player while walking around Canberra

The ultimate in "I'm not interested in social interaction with anyone at can't speak to me, you can't see my eyes, you don't know where I'm looking but I'm not interested in you so I'm highly likely not looking at you even though you are staring at me."

I can't think of any more because I'm in a positive mood today. Might add some more when I'm in a bad mood (hopefully not this week!)

The Truth About The Truth About Diamonds

Holiday reading for PGC normally involves a light-hearted mix of essays by J.K. Galbraith, a couple of Joseph Conrad novels, and the occasional romance by Jean Genet. Imagine our surprise, then, to find a hefty volume entitled The Truth About Diamonds: A Novel A Novel A Novel wedged firmly in our Christmas stocking – a literary bottle-neck of exhausting proportions. Groan. Last year we were burdened with Paris Hilton’s emotionally taxing Confessions of an Heiress, which we barely finished in time for Christmas lunch. Here we were again, just twelve months later, with another weighty tome in our hands and not a Cliff’s Notes in sight. Having battled our way through TTAD: ANANAN, PGC feels it is only fair that we provide a comprehensive analysis of this important work for the benefit of future students of English literature. For Nicole Richie is a creative force likely to shape the course of modern fiction. Her style is so challenging, and her idiom so nuanced, she is at times difficult to follow. For those who persevere, however, TTAD: ANANAN is a rewarding experience.

The first hurdle for the novice reader to overcome is the confusing similarity between the novel’s protagonist, Chloe Parker, and the author’s own personal history. Derided by some critics as a shameless act of self-promotion, PGC hails this audacious foray into the third person as a milestone in modern literature. One can only imagine the amount of ‘tweaking’ Richie’s raw, uncompromising prose would have required to neutralise its defamatory content if it had been written using the characters’ real names. Thus, it seems all the more plausible for Richie to retreat into the background, shielded from potential litigation as she cunningly positions herself in the authorial voice of ‘Nicole.’ Too subtle? We thought so. But then, Richie likes to play games with the English language that are still illegal in Queensland. In fact, PGC has not seen such an audacious attempt to disrupt and destabilise the literary status quo since Drew Barrymore’s controversial use of italics in the epic novel Little Girl Lost.

Critics are scrambling to discover where Richie learned her craft, and creative writing schools across the US are understandably desperate to claim Richie as an alumni. It will come as no surprise to PGC readers, though, to discover that Richie is largely self taught. She describes her tumultuous apprenticeship thus: ‘I went to the University of Arizona. I stopped because I went there for two years and I felt like I experienced college or whatever. I'm over it. I like Hollywood better.’ Instead, it seems Richie honed her creative talents developing semi-obscene tattoos to cram onto her cadaverous frame and scratching absurdist pop lyrics in rehab facilities. Part of the great mystery of Nicole Richie is how the publicity-shy actress found the strength to bare her soul so openly in a written form. As she ruminated once in a rare interview: ‘I've just gone through so much in my life that pulling my top up just doesn't seem like that big a deal.’

This remarkable capacity for self restraint is only too apparent in TTAD: ANANAN, as Richie’s brutally honest self-portrayal as a sturdy, responsible pillar of the Hollywood community unfolds: ‘When Chloe’s number popped up on my cell at mid-night one night, I was already being driven home after the opening of a good friend’s new boutique…I smiled, catching my own grin in the rear view mirror of my own limo.’ Richie’s brisk economy of words, punctuated with odd similes and unexplained pauses, not only saves paper, but vocabulary: ‘Saying “hi” like I did…with the gentleness of stroking a newborn kitten, was my way of apologising and asking for another chance. Just…”hi.”’ Indeed, nowhere is Richie’s precocious talent more apparent than in her efficient command of the fullstop, which she flaunts repeatedly: ‘I discreetly excused myself and found the ladies’ room, which was like a palace of lavender marble. It truly was…something.’ PGC does not mind admitting that we were almost reduced to tears by this passage. Richie’s crisp prose, her economy of words and rhythmic timing all combine to make this emotionally-charged toilet scene almost…something. If you thought Richie’s only contact with toilets was throwing up in them, think again. Anyone who can cram the words ‘translucent,’ ‘diaphanous’ and ‘gak sak’ into a description of a toilet deserves to be taken seriously.

Chloe’s encounter with a pair of tabloid reporters in the opening scene also showcases Richie’s mastery of self-reflexiveness: ‘It turned out a paparazzo had been following them the entire time, and since neither of them were famous, they weren’t used to making sure they weren’t being tailed every ten seconds like I am.’ Chloe, we soon learn, is a Hollywood innocent on the cusp of celebrity with a penchant for street-level self defence and men with gastric by-passes. Astute readers will not fail to notice the depth of this characterisation intensify throughout the novel. At the start of Part One (titled Before): ‘Chloe’s mailing address might have been her mom’s place in Bel Air, but the place to find her – and more importantly the place where she was finding herself – was whatever party was hottest at the moment.’ By the end of Part Two, however, (titled, intriguingly, After): ‘…she was a grown woman with rehab under her Versace belted halter dress and a red-hot reality project that was making her a household name.’

(Left) Red Hot Reality: Chloe.....errrr Richie appears at the MTV awards with rehab under her Versace belted dress

Reality projects notwithstanding, Richie strenuously avoids the temptation to launch militant attacks on her former associates. ‘Is anyone perfect?’ she demands testily in the preface, ‘No. Only a perfect diamond looks good that close up…All the people in this novel are fictional, but like real people, they’re flawed. And even though I adore her…my diamond in the rough, Chloe is no exception.’ Neither, it would seem, are the other dramatis personae, particularly Chloe’s wayward childhood friend and red-hot-reality-co-star: Simone Westlake. Students of structuralism and semiotics worldwide remain baffled by this odd choice of pseudonym, and have requested the services of encryption experts to decode this oblique reference to Paris Hilton. Not only does this ingenious device provide Richie with an opportunity to take a couple of vicious swipes at Paris, it also provides a vehicle for her incisive wit. PGC particularly enjoyed the gripping scene where Chloe’s mother confronts her about her drug use: ‘”Who taught you to do this? To trip the lizard?” Chloe laughed before she could stop herself. “It’s chasing the dragon, Mom.” But the question was just as hilarious. Who had taught Chloe about drugs? The problem could be traced – as so many problems could be – back to Simone.’

Among the accusations levelled at Paris (aka Simone) in TTAB we find murder (at age four), followed by drug use (age 11), right-wing extremism (14), promiscuity (on-going), and - crushingly - poor taste in interior design. Read between the lines, though, and subtle references throughout the book point unmistakably to Hilton’s determined and repeated breach of copyright through the publication of artistic mobile phone images (‘I’m thinking of selling them to a British newspaper because they can show tits in the paper over there.’), her possible involvement in welfare fraud (‘Oh, yeah – and I’m not pregnant after all, so don’t worry about that either.’) and, most chillingly, her unconventional approach to breast augmentation (‘She was stuffing her bra with expensive silk scarves…warning Chloe never to use toilet paper for fear “your tits will smell like ass, and no guys will ever want to sleep with you.”’) Right: Cruel attacks on Paris Hilton take their toll....

Like Paris Hilton’s Simone, Nicole Richie’s Nicole is also prone to philosophy, wryly observing that ‘…fame is hungry. In the same way girls like to chase their sweet with a little salt, fame requires a misery chaser to every ounce of joy.’ Part political satire, part penetrating socio-cultural critique, Richie’s dazzling flair for abbreviation captures the vernacular of her troubled teen characters so well, it is a mystery to PGC why she didn’t release the entire volume as one continuous SMS. W/E! One wonders how Richie plans to follow up this masterpiece. A scathing pod cast on former fiancĂ©e Adam Goldstein, dimly personified as ‘DJ Ray’? A couch-thumping appearance on Oprah’s book club? Or something more conspicuous? A Truth about diamonds and Reconciliation Commission is PGC’s suggestion, capped off with Richie making a dramatic birqua-clad dash down the steps of the court room when Hilton arrives to give evidence. (If, for no other reason, than to fling the garment across Hilton's nether regions as she exists the limo)

Like so many other ‘electrifying first novels’, Richie’s masterpiece resists a genre. Unless, of course ‘electrifying first novels’ can be deemed a genre in itself. PGC initially considered TTAD to be an uneasy alliance between children’s literature and large print reading material for brain trauma outpatients. However, we now suspect that TTAD discloses all the hallmarks of the ‘drug-addled as a teenager/slim grasp of English as an adult’ genre, epitomized by Pamela Anderson in her ground-breaking work Starstruck: A Novel. Critics agree that this startling composition has raised the bar for Richie with its skilful blend of absurdist comedy and soft-core pornography, captured poignantly in the opening scene: ‘Why do my nipples hurt? was Star's first thought as she woke from a strangely deep sleep, her hands gliding along her naked body...’.

But what does the literary establishment make of TTAD? How many karats is Richie’s masterwork fetching on the ruthless market of high-brow criticism? This is what the newspapers had to say:

The New York Post"Shockingly entertaining."

Chicago Tribune"[A] gem of a book."

Richie is also faring well online among the usually prickly under-12 demographic:

January 16, 2006
TheDivineMsF "*J.O.S.E*" (Philly, PA USA) writes on E-Bay Reviews and Guides:
'Nicole is my god, and this book really surprised me. I mean I know Nicole is awesome at things like shopping & making people laugh on the Simple Life when she isn't busy being the fabulous Socialite that she is...but I never expected her to be such a good writer. What can't this fashionista do? If you're a fan of Nicole or even if you're not this book will prove to be a good read. Buy it, it's worth it.'

Meanwhile, Erin Laporte, gives TTAD 4 out of 5:
I just finished reading her book and was totally satisfied with what I read. I bought the book with the intent of reading about fun parties, socialites, extremely wealthy young people, and light entertainment...Nothing heavy!! I am definitely not a huuuuuge Nicole Richie fan (although I like her way more than Paris) but after reading this book, I have more respect for Nicole and am happy that she decided to write this book.’

Step aside Gertrude Stein – literary cubism has a new poster child. As some random chick on a random internet review says, "Buy it!"

What's good about people earning more money than you... when they say "No, I'll pay for you, I earn way more money than you."

PopGoesCanberra on Popjustice

PopGoesCanberra is now writing (unofficially) for esteemed music website

To be precise, you can see our entries in the A-Z of pop music, so far under K for Kate de Rouge, and Katie Underwood, S for Sydney and G for Gold Coast!

Can you think of anything else we should submit?

Album Review: Infernal "From Paris to Berlin"

I discovered the song From Paris to Berlin in March last year while listening to Swedish internet radio. Subsequently Radio Metro on the Gold Coast, the best radio station in Australia, picked it up. A few weeks after that Nova 969 in Sydney started playing it after a tip from the public. Central Station Records finally got a hold of it and released it around September/October. It had a decent chart run. The album From Paris to Berlin came out with little fanfare in October/November. I had it on order from JB Hi-Fi in Civic and it was waiting for me for a couple of months before I could pick it up just on Friday. Why the hell did I wait so long. I'm Always Right had told me it was frigging awesome. Why didn't I believe him? This album is awesome. Here's the detailed PopGoesCanberra review!


Sexy. It appears to be the blonde chick with lots of lipstick on, her lips are so shiny that there is a star shining off the bottom of it. She is kneeling and you can see a bit of a bikini that she is wearing. The hot Danish DJ guy appears to be having sex with her doggie-style and he appears to be enjoying it, as he has a sly smile. Do comment if you think this is not the case.


Booklets are very important. They are the reason you pay for an album instead of downloading and burning the tracks. Well our reason anyway. The booklet continues the sexual theme. There's lots of black, neon lights in pretty colours, and sexy sexy pictures. On the first page there's a shot of the hot Danish DJ guy putting his hand around sexy blonde singer chick as though she has just said "be rough with me, I like it like that, boy" in an "our Mary" kind of accent. On the next page is the hot Danish DJ guy showing a bit of chest and looking alarmingly like Andreas from Alcazar and there is are fingers and fingernails on his shoulders, possibly indicating the hot blonde singer chick grabbing him to ask for more (sex, that is). What follow are more sultry pics. There is a very Deborah Harry one where the hot blonde singer chick appears to have used up several tubes of mascara on her eyes. And she also appears to be quite flat chested. Or her boobs are pointing in a funny direction. The centrepiece shot is of a couple of hot guys looking lustfully at a girl kneeling seductively on a stage in frilly white bikini type outfits. The next page is the hot blonde singer chick feeling her tummy. Maybe she wasn't feeling well. Then there's a very Alcazar shot of the hot blonde singer chick looking bored while hot Danish DJ guy has a funny look on his face as though he's looking at a mobile phone, but there's no mobile phone! And he's wearing a hot white suit with a very very nice long green tie. It's kind of a bit like the one on the left, but not really. Much cooler.

The songs!

00 Big ride f*ckers (Intro)

I love intro tracks! tATu did it on Dangerous and Moving to admittedly very little effect, but this is good. No lyrics, so no swearing unfortunately. But there are lots of grunty car noises!

01 From Paris To Berlin

You know how good this song sounds! You know it makes you drive fast! You think of the video which features bikinis, pink and blue motorbikes, computers, and semen! The song itself is the perfect mix of lyrics, of melody, of attitude, of beat, of little cool synthy noises, of "wo-oh", of a "teasing" that sounds like a "seizing". It sounds great loud, or even sounds great soft over your work colleauge's tinny radio in the office that you think they shouldn't really have. And the middle 8 features the famous "ah, ah ah, ah, wo-oh, wo-oh, wo-oh" and then a little guitary bit and more funny noises and a quite little chorus before thumping back into it big-time.

02 I Took A Ride (Fairytale) feat. Adam Powers

Oooh! It's got fairytale and horseriding noises (not like in Belinda Carlisle's horsey track, less obvious than those ones). It's a DUET! A dance duet! It's all about a guy whose got a girl who may or may not have been faithful, people are saying stuff about her! But he enjoyed it anyway. That's why it's a fairytale. He starts off, and then hot blonde singer chick "Lina" comes in: I know sometimes I'm just out there/and I know sometimes I can flirt a bit too much [SLUT!]. She admits it! And then she has the cheek to say It's not up to me/if I'm somebody's fantasy. Ooh and then there's a great bit he sings Don't Lie! And she sings No I won't lie! Amazing!

03 Keen On Disco

Already been played in Australia on 105.7 Radio Metro on the Gold Coast where they know great fun summer dance music. Hot blonde singer chick knows her disco. It pulses. Oooh. And then there's the amazing lyric When you nibble my ear/the bass is softly bumpin' and caressin' my rear/you make me soft n sweet/and you're confusing me with every magic electric beat. SEX!

04 Cheap Trick - The silent movie (Intro)

Infernal are clever. They've got a little bit that sounds like a French cafe, to make you think you're in a French cafe! This is the first of several French touches on the album...

05 Cheap Trick Kinda' Girl Cult of Noise

This is an awesome track. The lyrics are simple. About a cheap trick kinda girl. Whatever that is. But it's pretty bad I think, cos she knows it's a sin. The tune is infectious and they've enlisted some famous accordian player to play the accordian, and it's pretty darn good.

06 Ultimate Control feat. John Rock

Well this is all very dramatic. There is thunder! It's about some kind of psycho guy. This chick you see, gave this guy her heart, her soul, she gave him all to make him whole but it's not enough girl. This song has an awesome little electroey beat. Fuck it's good.
07 Vienna

More European city name-dropping! Aren't you cool?!!! Well you've gotta forgive them, cos it's just perfect. Another night-driving song, cruise around Lake Burley-Griffin with this one playing and you'll feel like you're there, walking the cold winter streets of the Austrian capital. The lyrics remind me of Belinda Carlisle's La Luna: The warmth of your hand and a cold grey sky it fades to the distance. And there is a big exciting bit where you hear nothing to me about a hundred times and then hot blonde singer chick goes OHHHHHHHH VIENNAAAAAAAAA! and you can dance dance dance the night away. And then it goes all pretty at the end.

08 Dressed In Blue

This song is all about sex. Seriously. And is a bit ABBA-ish too. Always a good thing. It's all about sex, and I'm assuming they are naked, but possibly he still has some form of blue garment on. He likes to tie her up: No greater mood/than when I can't move at all/when tied by you/my servitude sets me free. It's about domination! It has haunting little choral bits! And more sexual lyrics!: I know when you cum round i've got to give in/when it glows/and it flows/and your fire breaks through/my every moan is for you. And then the whole song changes completely into the sort of French soccer anthem that silly French people sing at weddings, parties, etc. La la la la in a big chanty sort of way. Love it!

09 Careful With The Boys

Hot blonde singer chick passes on lessons to young females/gay men about their burgeoning sexuality! Ooh ooh gotta be careful with the boys/yeah be careful with the boys/cos they're more than just your toys...didn't your mama teach you that/they'll be coming back.

10 Deeper Still

Think Infernal doing Motorcycle's As the Rush Comes and you've got it. Perfect for a mild summer's night around Canberra's country roads. Has the lines Walls are morphine and feelin' oozy feelin high feeling lighter than a sigh. Great!

11 Bass driven Music

This doesn't have hot blonde singer chick, just some guy saying "bass driven music" a lot.

12 Balagan (Hava nagila) - feat. Uri

This one features a lot of name dropping - Infernal being chanted and then loads of silly French soccer fans singing la la la etc. It's pretty awful really but we at PopGoesCanberra forgive them!

13 Banjo Thing feat. Red$tar

Imagine a Vengaboys track or Steps 5678, with lots of lyrics about motherfuckers sung by a guy with a gruff voice! How rude!

14 Sunday Morning March

I think this is supposed to calm you down after all the excitement. I suppose it does!

VERDICT: You've got to buy this album. Please note that the tracklsting on the Australian album is completely wrong. Bit of a stuffup with the prnting/typesetting/whatever. The CD is fine though.

PopGoesCanberra GoesToTasmania Part 1

Insular, reclusive, paranoid. Terms used to describe the rogue states of North Korea and Tasmania appear all too frequently in the newspapers these days, conjuring up images of scrawny gymnasts, poor mobile phone reception and sports stadiums full of blue vein cheese samples. As one would expect, the competition between the two states in gourmet food, wood turning and political repression is fierce, with bitter rivalries rising to the surface every year at mass public events. In the case of Pyongyang – Kim Jong-il’s birthday celebrations. In Hobart – the Taste of Tasmania annual summer food and wine festival. This summer, Pop Goes Canberra ventures deep into the axis of evil to investigate this breath-taking phenomenon. The result? A heart-warming insight into the lives of ordinary Tasmanian citizens, struggling to survive in this former prison colony turned nanny-goat state. In this sensational posting, PGC will reveal how these stoic, southerly people are standing proud and resolute as Supre continues its invasion into their remote penal outpost, tightening its vice-like grip on the vulnerable inhabitants as we speak.

A Tasmanian woman clad in Supre combines military drill training with seaside activities, goose-stepping across the beach at a popular coastal resort. Until recently, national security experts at ANU believed that the prevalence of camouflage prints and khaki shades among Supre’s ‘southern summer range’ was a reliable gauge of Tasmania’s military aspirations. PGC can now reveal that the emphasis on blacks, corals and board shorts points to a new era of amphibious warfare.

The first evidence of Tasmania’s extreme isolationist policies came almost immediately as PGC emerged from Hobart airport, exhausted from relentless interrogation by intelligence officers who demanded to know if we had any fruit or vegetables we wished to dispose of before proceeding to the baggage collection area. Luckily, PGC had been warned in advance that such a request might be made, and had secreted a large stash of prunes in our boogie board bag before leaving Canberra. Such is the jealous fervour with which Tasmania guards its agrarian economy, it frequently rejects offers of international aid under the flimsy excuse of ‘quarantine.’

Border security - Tasmanian style. An expertly trained sniffer-Devil causes PGC angst at Hobart airport, lingering over our photographic equipment until a bribe of a free Qantas headset is offered to his handler. Then, in an amusing display of playfulness, the sniffer-Devil poses for a photograph with PGC. We understand that the devil was arrested shortly afterwards for fraternising with imperialist invaders and emulating Inspector Rex. His fate is unknown.

Criticised by many as an ostentatious display of culinary might designed to intimidate foreign visitors, the Taste of Tasmania showcases the finest tidbits of this quaint agrarian culture every year in a large barnyard situated in the demilitarised zone near the city centre. Peasants, workers and intellectuals mingle freely as they queue up to receive their rations of shitake mushroom pizza, Thai-crusted scallops and raspberry brulee. PGC was not to be fooled, however, by the rustic charm of the maritime setting, nor the unseasonally fine weather. As temperatures soared towards a searing 16°C, PGC’s attention was drawn to the ominous signs of political repression, demonstrated most poignantly by signs announcing the state-wide prohibition on slouching.

In a typical example of over-zealous state control on posture, signs prohibiting leaning against wooden structures appear throughout the festival venue. When PGC approached this Hobart local for comment, she refused to respond. PGC later learned that this woman was aged 25.

It is entirely possible that this woman had only recently been released from one of the many prison farms dotted throughout the country-side. Readers will not be surprised to learn that it has suspected for decades that political dissent is controlled in Tasmania by deporting suspected dissidents to rural locations for agrarian re-education. As PGC discovered, religious advocates, disgraced former athletes and disaffected journalists are more than likely responsible for producing some of the state’s most celebrated wines, compotes and soft cheeses.

PGC snatches a rare glimpse of a Tasmanian labour camp, where a middle aged man - a former university professor perhaps - places his life in danger by toiling diligently beneath a known ozone hole.

Those accused of more serious crimes against the state share a more ominous fate: forced participation in an alternative lifestyle retreat. Here, citizens suspected of posing an immediate threat to the leadership are isolated and purged of their ‘disloyalties’ in a controlled setting.

Information from Tasmanians who have managed to escape to the mainland after release from such institutions say inmates are subjected to punishing meditation regimes, exposed to dangerous auras and used as guinea pigs in controversial medical experiments involving kinesiology and interpretive dance.

Despite the ever present risk of arrest for leaning in a public place, Tasmanians continue to converge in their thousands on their capital city each year in a desperate attempt to impress their remote, laconic leader. PGC is unable to speculate why this is so. Brainwashing, say some analysts. Other commentators point to the ever present threat of deportation to a Crystals and Rainbows or, alternately, compulsory participation in ghost tours of Port Arthur.

The more likely answer, as far as PGC is concerned, is the tremendous charisma radiated by the Great Leader, Premier Paul Lennon, and his ability to mobilise vast sectors of the population with his boyish good looks and magnetic, paternal gaze.

Cult of the personality
Billboards depicting grainy images of Premier Lennon, or the Great Leader as he is affectionately known by Tasmanians, adorned the roads leading from the airport into Hobart and featured prominently at sea passenger terminals in Burnie and Devonport. PGC understands that the giant red placards, which do not name Premier Lennon, but feature a "washout" image of his face looking dark and somewhat menacing, must be removed in the event that permission for their use is withdrawn by the Great Leader, under the strict rules of the Hare-Clark electoral system.

Great Leader - The Hon Paul Lennon MHA was sworn in as Tasmania’s 42nd Premier on 21 March 2004. Premier Lennon, feared and admired by his constituents, marks his birthday every year by a state-wide holiday: an event for which Tasmanians commence preparing up to 12 months in advance.


The Great Leader’s stubborn insistence on the policy of ‘self-reliance’ is hindering attempts to diversify and develop the economy. Residents in rural areas are the most likely to suffer from food shortages due to bizarre agricultural policies during the 1990s that led to an over-reliance on gourmet foodstuffs, craft and pottery. ‘There’s only so much marinated feta and Anvers fudge your body can handle,’ PGC was told by a peasant labourer from the state’s southern provinces, who did not wish to be named. ‘After a while, you become so desperate you’ll consider eating almost anything just to get some variety into your diet.’ An Amnesty International spokesperson reported that this was a familiar scenario: ‘There are rumours of people in the remote southern highlands resorting to eating quince paste on plain water crackers. Our sources say that supplies of poppy seeds in the area are almost completely exhausted – although the government refuses to confirm or deny this.’ PGC was disturbed to learn that the food security situation is set to worsen over the coming winter. According to aid agencies and human rights advocates, production targets of staple food items such as leatherwood honey, truffles and smoked salmon are set to plummet despite desperate pleas by farmers for government assistance.

Pitiful offerings of aged Gewurztraminer and Pinot Gris characterise the typical Tasmanian diet, which WHO officials believe may be placing the population at risk of malnutrition.

Although PGC had braced ourselves for evidence of starvation, nothing could have prepared us for the scenes of depravity in the garment and footwear industries. The more squeamish among you should be warned that the following image contains signs of animal cruelty:

Young Tasmanian women resort to poaching Tasmanian tigers and fashioning primitive footwear out of their skins.

It would be all too easy to cast judgment on the citizens of Tasmania for their deplorable behaviour (although it would answer a few questions about the cause of the tiger’s extinction) and PGC resisted the temptation. After all, similar tales of wardrobe scavenging are common among reports by human rights activists and expatriates living abroad in exile. Harsh restrictions on fashion retailing triggered a resurgence in handicraft during the arduous march of the 1990s. But this trend appears to have been replaced by an even more sinister form of repression: Supre. Throughout the farthest reaches of this tiny island State, PGC found disturbing evidence of gratuitous accessorising, tasteless flounce and shameless short-shorts (apparently, a response to fabric rationing). A harmless coincidence? Or chilling example of totalitarian conformity?

Members of Hobart’s gilded youth bask in the sunshine, blissfully unaware of the autocratic power structure dictating their wardrobe options.

But the decaying grandeur of this orbiting satellite state was not lost of PGC – although the standard of accommodation was slightly below what we are accustomed to in Canberra. Nevertheless, after a few days in Hobart, PGC began to be seduced by the thin veneer of egalitarian bliss coating the state’s fine architecture: a dim reminder of the cradle-to-grave security so familiar to us as long-time residents of Canberra.

While the paranoid state claims to support freedom of association, membership of state-sanctioned organisations is widely regarded as essential for political and personal advancement.

As PGC edged further and further away from the city centre, opportunities to observe citizens in a less contrived environment became increasingly frequent. PGC visited a typical bookshop in the northern part of the capital. Here, we found jittery Hobartians perusing the shelves, desperate to gather any scraps of information about the outside world that may have escaped the attention of the censors.

In a typical nervous gesture, our subject wears dark glasses to evade recognition by neighbours, children and other informants as he scans the titles on offer, lending credence to the popular saying that in the book shops of Hobart, even the walls have hidden cameras.

Geopolitical Tensions

According to PGC’s sources, security analysts aver that the biggest test of Melbourne-Hobart realpolitik in 2006 may be airport and maritime security in the northern seaports of Burnie and Devonport, as Victoria attempts to stem the illegal migration of Tasmanians to mainland Australia. Official government documents – suppressed until now – describe the increasingly desperate tactics used by asylum seekers to reach Victorian territorial waters and recommend that security be increased at all northern points of international departure.
A father and son make a frantic dash for freedom in a hastily assembled catamaran, ill-suited to the choppy conditions of Bass Strait. Dreams of a better life in Victoria spur thousands of Tasmanians to attempt this method of escape every year - few survive the crossing. Analysts from mainland think-tanks suspect that the Sydney to Hobart yacht race has inspired many locals to undertake the perilous journey.

The heavily guarded seaport of Bridport is just one such example of the regime’s determination to fortify the passenger terminal and prevent the flow of would-be defectors across the maritime border. PGC was denied access to the interior of this austere military installation and was asked to leave the area shortly after this photograph was taken.